Handicapping American Idol 2009
Well it’s that time of year again folks. Yup, it’s my American Idol 2009 preview. Now for those of you who are new to the Stool, let me give you a little history lesson. I have successfully picked the winner of American Idol before the first elimination show has even aired 6 out of the last 7 years. It’s a streak so impossible, so unprecedented, so unfathomable that American Idol has actually changed the rules this year just to mess with me. But it won’t matter. Nothing can stop undisputed king of American Idol. So without further ado, here are my 2009 predictions...
Alex Wagner-Trugman – 1,000 - 1
Why am I not surprised that this kid has three names? Honestly dork your just wasting everybody’s time. I never get how guys like this make it to the Finals. I mean would anybody pay money to see this kid sing? Maybe I’d pay to watch somebody beat him up and steal his lunch money but that’s about it. Seriously go back to the glee club kid where you belong.
Von Smith 200-1
There are always a couple people who just piss me off during American Idol. Guys I just want to punch in the nose and watch bleed. Von Smith is one of those guys. Total waste.
Tatiana Nicole Del Toro - 125 -1
Easily the most despicable human being ever to be on American Idol. I honestly have no idea how she made it this far unless they just wanted a train wreck for the first show. There is absolutely nothing remotely redeemable about her. She’s not cute. She’s not funny and her voice is painful to listen to. In fact according to Wikipedia she has already risen to the #1 person most hated person in this country. Pretty impressive for somebody nobody heard of two weeks ago.
Casey Carlson 100 -1
People are saying Casey Carlson is the hottest American Idol contestant of all time. How quickly they forget. Umm, doesBecky O’Donohue ring a bell? And if history has taught us anything it’s that for whatever reason sex doesn’t sell on American Idol. In fact Becky O’Donohue got eliminated in the first round. I remember because I didn’t eat for like 2 weeks after that. Unfortunately Casey Carlson could be heading down the same path. She sucked all through Hollywood Week and I expect a big case of the nerves for her in the beginning which should spell doom. Because as much as I don’t agree with it, tits and ass don’t get votes in American Idol
Matt “Bathroom Break” Breitzke' – 99 -1
There is an outside chance I went to college with this kid. Or at least somebody who looked exactly like him. I wasn’t impressed by that dude in school and I’m still not impressed with him. Listen I’m sure Matt is a nice guy , but I’m just not looking to watch some ugly dude who looks old enough to be my dad sing to me. I can go to Bell In Hand for that.
Felicia Barton 90 - 1
Honey did you just get out of bed or something before this photo shoot? Seriously is this bitch even wearing makeup? There are a lot of things that I can live with in this world but a chick who doesn’t even try to make me hard is not one of them.
Jesse Langseth 85 -1
Ugh. Honey the glamorous look is not for you. Don’t worry though the world needs ditch diggers too. Simon had it right when he said this chick had no chance.
Nathaniel Marshall 79-1
Listen everybody knows the key to American Idol is being different and having a unique personality. Somewhere along the like Nathaniel got that confused with crying every two seconds. Seriously he and Tatitana have to be the two most annoying contestants in the history of American Idol. I will literally move to Canada if he’s not voted off before the Final 24.
Kris Allen 64 -1
Blah. There is nothing worse than being blah in American Idol. You better be pretty, orca fat, ultra dorky or something. You need to stand out from the competition. Kris Allen is the guy whose name you can’t remember at your high school reunion.
Jorge Nunez – 57 - 1
American Idol said they were looking for good singers with accents this year. Enter Jorge Nunez. Our first gay Puerto Rican contestant in the history of the show. And if this was Gay Puerto Rican Idol I’d say win hands down. Unfortunately this is American Idol and he’s going to get killed with the Hillbilly vote who probably will confuse him with Osama Bin Laden.
Jackie Tohn 55 -1
Somebody needs to tell Jackie Tohn that bubbly and cute only works if you’re hot. If you try and mix bubbly and cute with ugly, people will vote your ass off so fast you won’t even know what happened and that is exactly what we’re going to get here.
Mishavonna Henson – 54 - 1
Paging Kathrine McPhee…paging Katherine Mcphee. Ok here is the problem with looking exactly like a former contestant who did well. Everybody is going to make the comparisons and if you can’t hang vocally or looks wise you’ll get torn apart. Nobody wants to vote for a 2nd rate version of somebody else. It’s Idol 101 really.
Jeanine Vailes 50-1 (Wild Guess)
Who the fuck is this bitch?
Ricky Braddy 43 -1
10 bucks to anybody who can prove this guy was even on the show. He may be the first guy since the Duke of Dorchester to have the BORING chant broken out on him.
Ann Marie Boskovich 40-1
The worst thing anybody can say about you in American Idol is that you’re boring and that is exactly what Ann Marie Boskovich is. I can’t remember one thing she said or did on the show expect that every time they showed her I took a quick snooze. And considering the fact that she’s pretty that’s almost impossible to do. Just no way she makes any noise in this thing. Just no way.
Michael Sarver 38 - 1
Again with the working class family man. I’m sure the Oil Rigger guy is a nice guy. Maybe I’d watch him if this was World’s Most Dangerous Jobs or something, but it’s not. Nobody wants to see guys like this sing. Sorry wrong show dude.
Taylor Vaifanua – 32 -1
Okay the first thing I do when handicapping American Idol is I look at all the contestants and rule out the ones that I can’t remember from Hollywood week or the auditions. There is nothing worse in American Idol than being forgettable and Taylor Vaifanua
is forgettable. She is the classic midmajor. I have no idea whether she can sing or not and frankly it doesn’t really matter, does it?
Brent Keith 26 -1
Not a bad singer. Not a bad looking guy. Boring as hell. 2 weeks after he’s gone nobody will ever believe him he was on American Idol in the first place.
Kai Kalama 20 -1
The thinking man’s Sanjaya. Maybe a different year and Kai Kalama rides his sick mother right card right into the top 10. Sure the antagonists will say who is taking care of his mom now, but either way he is overshadowed by the blind guy and the guy whose wife died. Unfortunately that makes Kai a middle of the road singer who poses no real threat to do anything in this competition.
Arianna Afsar 19 -1
It’s not a good sign when you’re attractive and I don’t really remember you from auditions. Kind of reminds me of that cute Asian chick from last year who was a pretty good singer but could only sing slow songs. The second she had to speed it up she fell to pieces. It wouldn’t shock me if the same thing happened with her.
PS -Anybody who doesn’t think Anoop Desai is going to roofie this chick before the competition is over is kidding themselves.
Alexis Grace – 16-1
I’ve heard a couple people whispering in my ear about Alexis Grace saying she may be somebody to keep my eye on, but I’m not sold. I didn’t even know who she was until the final elimination night. And when you have pink shit in your hair and I still don’t notice you that can’t be a good sign. She’s probably hang around for a little while as all the people who clearly don’t belong get bounced, but still not a real threat at all.
Ju'Not Joyner 18-1
Can somebody please look up what place Chikese came in last year. Ditto whatever that is for this guy.
Stevie Wright 17-1
Stevie Wright can sing. Now if only this picture didn’t make me puke when I saw it.
Allison Irahata – 15-1
I was fairly impressed by Allison during Hollywood weeks. She came out stomping around on stage acting like she owned the place. Very impressive for a 16 year old. It sort of reminded me of a small conference team that isn’t intimidated by the big boys and wanted to show it right away. Still there is a reason she didn’t get recruited to play for a power conference. Just too raw and unpolished around the edges. I expect Allison to hang tough for a while but eventually fall around the final 12.
Kendall Beard 14 -1
I think Kendall is going to conjure up the spirit of blond American Idols past like Kelly Picker and Kristy Lee Cook to make a decent run during this competition. She just gives of that same I’ll let you give me a facial if you vote for me vibe that America seems to like.
Kristen McNamara – 12 -1
This girl must be fucked in the head or just one mean bitch because everybody seems to hate her. I mean the judges called her ugly. Paula said her whole look was “off-putting” which for Paula is fighting words. Her fellow contestants tried to beat her up during group day. I don’t know what the deal is because she always seemed okay to me and she can clearly sing. In fact I actually think she’s got a chance to be top 10 material as long as she doesn’t get stabbed in the heart or something first.
Matt Giraud 10 -1
The only year that I didn’t correctly pick the winner was when I picked a kid who looked like Justin Timberlake. I won’t make that mistake twice. Don’t get me wrong I think Matt is going to go a long way, but fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.
Nick Mitchell – 10-1
What can you say about Nick Mitchell? He’s probably the most unique contestant in the history of American Idol. And when I say unique it’s because the thing that makes him different isn’t that he’s blind, has a death in the family, a single father or anything like that. It’s that he literally puts on an act during his song. He cares just as much about making people laugh as he does having good vocals. Now you can say whatever you want about this guy but I’m looking forward to watching him go and that is generally a very good sign in terms of staying power. I’m sure Simon is going to kill him every week but as long as he sticks with the funny and doesn’t go serious he has top 10 maybe top 5 written all over him. Just don’t let the judges convince you to serious with a slow song because then it will be lights out Alabama.
Lil Rounds – 9 -1
Sorry Fantasia. You can’t win twice.
Scott MacIntyre 9 -1
Okay here is the question on everybody’s mind. Could we be looking at another Johnny Fourplay here? I mean Is Scott MacIntyre really blind? Because his eyes look good to me. It’s almost like he hatched some diabolical plan the like of which American Idol has never seen in order to capture the sympathy vote. Either way there is just no predicting how American is going to react to him. It’s a known fact Americans are suckers for blind people so even if he puts together the worst performances in the history of American Idol he’s a shoe in for the top 10. But I don’t think he is going to win the whole thing. Somewhere down the line he’s going to slip up and spot a penny on the ground and reach to pick it up and the gig is going to be up.
PS – If he is really blind how is he going to do the group routines? That’s a big part of the show!
Stephen Fowler – 8-1
An absolute dark horse in this competition. You know how you can tell when you are really good? When you totally fuck up in Hollywood week, forget the words to your song, slam your keyboard and storm off the stage and you don’t get eliminated. Well that’s exactly what Stephen Fowler did. Mark it down. This kid will have a recording contract after this season ends.
Anoop Desai - 6-1
Ah, Anoop Desai. Man, what an interesting contestant this dude is. Simon had him pegged exactly right during audition week. He looks like he should be at MIT doing math problems instead of singing. But the guy can blow. Maybe the 2nd best voice in the competition. Plus he has a tad of Taylor Hix in him with the weird body gyrations thing. But as much as I like him he just is too big of a nerd realistically have a chance to win this whole thing. I mean look at this picture of him. Is that really the best he can do? His eyes are like going in 70 different directions. So I don’t care how many pairs of sunglasses they hang on his shirt, it’s still not going to be enough for him to shake the geek vibe. Bottom-line is chicks don’t vote for nerds. Dudes don’t vote for nerds. And nerds are too busy doing chemistry projects to watch American Idol. Don’t get me wrong he is a sure fire top 10 finalist but he just doesn’t have the muscle to go the whole way.
Jasmine Murray 5-1
Jasmine Murray flat out scares me. I just don’t feel like I have enough info to make an informed decision on her. They really didn’t show much of her during Hollywood which kind of pissed me off because she was devastating during her audition and she is pretty hot. Keep in mind we’ve never had a hot black chick win this thing before so it may be time. I mean look at Obama. I just wish I got to see her solo audition so I know how she did. Don’t worry though I have my Interns going through her trash as we speak trying to give me clues on what her deal is. Needless to say I think she is a major threat.
Megan Corkrey 4-1
An absolute wildcard. The only time we got to see this chick sing was during auditions and she was awesome. But I’m totally confused with this picture. She kind of looks like Mother Theresa or something. I think she has to play up the fact she just left her deadbeat husband, she has a kid, some serious tattoos and will fuck at the drop of a hat. Because I don’t think the sweet and innocent routine will play for her. She needs to embrace the role of the bad girl. So it will be interesting to see what Megan Corkrey shows up come game time. Nothing would surprise me with her. Literally nothing.
Danny Gokey 3-1
You don’t need to be an American Idol expert to know that this guy is a major threat. Not only can he sing and do the judges love him, but his wife died right before the competition. Cha Ching! Seriously he is going to ride that sympathy card right to the final 3. In fact if that blind guy wasn’t there stealing all his mojo he actually may win this thing.
Adam Lambert - 2-1
Let’s get one thing straight. Adam Lambert doesn’t like me and I don’t like him. If I saw him in the street, I’d probably give him the stink eye something fierce and tell him to go back to playing at the Harvard Square T station. But you can’t argue with talent and this guy has it dripping out of his eyeballs. He can do things with his voice that nobody else in the competition can do. So sure the blind guy, the guy whose wife died, Anoof, Norman Gentile will all hang around for a couple quarters but when push comes to shove this guy can take over a game anytime he wants to. He’s like UNLV in 1990. So as long as he doesn’t go totally Goth on us I just don’t see anybody who can stop him.