The Greatest Things I Ever Invented
Maybe this happens to everybody, but for whatever reason lately, I’m starting to notice people saying and/or doing things that I could’ve sworn I invented. You may be guilty yourself. Listen, I certainly never claimed to have the greatest memory in the world, all I know is there's a bunch of things I’m pretty sure I came up with. Now some of these you definitely have heard of, some of them probably not. So without further ado, here are the Greatest Things I Ever Invented...
1. The expression “Never heard of it.” – You know I’m hearing more and more people say this and I want to make sure everyone knows I invented the expression “Never heard of it”. It was back in college during a hotly contested Trivial Pursuit game where “Russia”, I believe, was the answer to a question my team had gotten wrong. I responded, “Russia? Never heard of it.” And so the expression was born. Then it died for a few years before enjoying a “Don’t Stop Believing”-like resurgence in the summer of 2004, where, at the infamous Playboy Party at Felt, each and every model in the bar replied “Never heard of it” when I told them I worked for Barstool Sports.
2. Not Picking a QB Until the End of the Fantasy Draft – This is unbelievable, everybody and their mother nowadays waits until the end to select a quarterback in their Fantasy Football Drafts and it drives me crazy. People don’t know this, but I invented waiting until the end of the draft to select a QB way back in ’98. It was my first ever draft when I shocked the world by passing up on Kordell Stewart for Terrell Davis at #2, not picking a QB until the 10th round, and then in Week 2, trading Ricky Dudley for Randall Cunningham and a box of porn. It was a phenomenal trade for me. Dudley was a bust, the porn I still have, and Cunningham threw for 34 touchdowns on his way to the Pro Bowl. Next to Lou Brock for Ernie Broglio, experts say it was the most lopsided deal in the history of sports.
3. Playing All the 3’s in Keno – Some kid did this the other day and I looked at him like he just stole my bike. What the f*ck? Those are my numbers. You can’t bet the 3’s. I invented betting the 3’s. Usually it’s just 3-13-23-33-73. But regardless, this plagiarizing punk was all fired-up at a local convenience store when he hit paydirt on 4 of my numbers. This obviously upset me, first of all because I didn’t bet that game, but more importantly because I haven’t seen those numbers come out in 10+ years.
4. Retiring Without Any Money Before Age 30 – We’ve all heard stories of “dot-commers” who cashed in before the Internet broke in 1999 and retired a multi-gazillionaire at age 27. Not me. I retired from working in the summer of ’01 at age 25 with barely $9,000 to my name. No, it was not a smart move at all, but nevertheless, I still invented it. And for whatever reason if you try pulling this kind of stunt here in the summer of ’07, just keep in mind that you’re copying me.
5. Donbaylor.com – I just checked this website the other day to see if it actually existed, and it does, barely, but the concept of “donbaylor.com” was invented by me around the turn of the century. It was a website for traveling dudes on the road for business to find “wingmen” in various cities throughout North America. Basically you’d go to the website, select a city and voila, a list of a few local “team players” would appear willing to hook up, on demand, with absolutely anything that night at the local Applebees. Obviously if you’re home you'd just call “Your Buddy Who’s Willing to Hook Up with Anything”, but on the road can be a tough proposition. Most likely you don’t know anybody in Cedar Rapids eager to do this kind of thing. That’s where donbaylor.com comes in. Just a few clicks and you’re all set.
(Note: The name of Don Baylor was used, of course, because at the time he was the all time hit-by-pitch leader in Major League Baseball, and thus, the best at “taking one for the team.”)
6. Gun sculpting at work – Unfortunately this was popularized by the film “Anchorman” in 2004, but I invented lifting weights at my desk back in the fall of ’00. Here’s the story: one of my co-workers had this 12 lb. dumbbell that he used as a footrest, and before he quit, passed it off to me. I then started lifting it, ala Burgundy in the movie, except ohhhh, 5 years before hand. The problem was, after the movie came out I actually had to decrease my reps because people were thinking I was copying the movie and I ended up losing a few feet at the plate in softball. True, you won’t see my name anywhere in the credits, but I invented gun sculpting at work, not Ron Burgundy.
7. The Mexican Gambit – Ironically spawned during my retirement without any money before age 30, the “Mexican Gambit” was a chess opening I invented where you moved your King up 1 square on the second move of the game. That’s right, the KING up 1 square. Questionable, sure. But you try this play and tell me the look on your opponent’s face isn’t pure terror. Remember, more than likely these chess geeks will have absolutely nothing programmed in their extra-logical/anti-social brains to counter it. And for whatever reason, maybe level of difficulty, The Mexican is one of the few things on this list I actually haven’t seen repeated.
8. The term “Stokke Show” – A lot of people lately, including my fellow writers here at The Stool, keep botching the usage on this term so I’m going to have to re-clarify. "Stokke Show" is a nickname I invented back in May, specifically to describe Internet pole vaulting sensation Allison Stokke; not for anyone else. Everyone else is still a regular old “smoke show”, but when referring to Stokke, she, and only she, is a “Stokke Show”.
I'm sure everyone has a list of things they claim to have invented. These were some of mine. In fact, I think we can add another -- making a list of things I invented. No one's ever done this before, right? Regardless, if you have something you think is yours, feel free to send it along. But just remember, once again, I invented that.