3 Great Ones
I'm about to turn 27 years old and the soldiers are falling fast. Some of my best friends are already married and the others are clearly dating the chicks that they are going to end up marrying. My wingmen to prowl the streets of Boston with is dwindling at an alarming rate. What may be more worrisome than is that as all these single guys disappear, they are taking all the normal, cute chicks with them. As Sonny told C in 'A Bronx Tale',every guy gets to meet 3 great ones in their lifetime. Personally, I'm down to one: I've already blown through two. One is married, the other may or may not be reading this paper. The bottom line is this.... have I passed my expiration date for the third 'great one'? It seems like most of the chicks I meet now have some type of tragic flaw that comes out after a few dates. After all, it's simple mathematics. As more and more guys settle down, they take all the cute normal ladies with them. So what does it take to be a great one? Are there any left in their late 20s? The staff of Barstool Sports has put together a list of the minimum requirements needed to have a chance of becoming Mrs. Barstool Sports. (Not to be confused with Ms. Barstool Sports, which is a totally different set of criteria)
1. The Past
Obviously, this is one of the great controversies of all-time. A guy can sleep with as many chicks as they want, while if the girl sleeps with too many guys than she gets a reputation as a tramp. Despite how hard Lindsay Lohan is working to change the rules on this one, this stigma is here to stay. The tricky part is deciding how many relationships are too many. I'd say once you start running out of fingers, you are into a real danger zone. Of course the older you get, the harder it becomes to find girls who can slide under the Mendoza line. But it almost becomes a catch-22. If you meet a girl in her late 20s who is cute but is way under the 10 finger rule, than either you have found a diamond in the rough/late bloomer or there is something weird going on. A lot of times you end up making excuses for her, like Drew Bledsoe fans tend to do. I mean if a chick has had 5 serious boyfriends, than there is five hits right there. The real
problem comes in with the one-night stands and things of that nature. No man worth his salt can stomach the fact that his girlfriend slept around. Every time you go out, you're waiting for a "Best in Show" type situation where you run into a former guy who had his way with your girlfriend. It is no way to live.
2. Handling the Friends
My circle of friends really don't have too many nice things to say to each other. Our world is made up of insults and more insults. It's really not personal, just our way of being. If you can't bust balls than you probably won't fit in that well. In order to for a girl to become a "great one", she needs to be able to hold her own with your friends. For example, a buddy of mine (we'll call him "Harry") was dating a very cute girl a few months ago. We went out for a couple pops and I ended up in a conversation with his girlfriend, Lisa. She started asking me about how our friends rate chicks on a scale of 1-10. Obviously not a conversation that you really want to get into, but she kept pushing me and if you push me, I'll give you the truth. I told her that every guy has a different scale. For example, my buddy O'Hara will say that a chick is a 9 when she is clearly a 5. Whenever he rates a chick, we just slash 4 points right off the top to know what we are dealing with. Some guys take personality into the mix. Well, "Harry" reserves 10s only for famous actresses and runway models. This means that no chick he runs into at a bar can be a 10, unless he sees
Halle Berry or somebody famous like that. It's just the way his scale
works, nothing personal. Anyway, back to the story. So I told "Harry's" girlfriend that she could never be a 10 in Harry’s book because "she isn't in Hollywood, so she's probably a nine or something." I said it in a way that every guy on the planet would know it was a joke of sorts. Well, at 3am in the morning my phone rang and Harry and I had this exchange.
Harry: "David, I'm with Lisa right now. We are having a disagreement. Did you tell her that she couldn't be a ten in my book?"
Me. "Yes"
Harry: "Did you mean that as a joke or were you intentionally trying to hurt Lisa's feelings?"
Me:" I meant it as a joke."
Harry: Thank you.
Needless to say, Harry called me the next morning and told me what I already knew. Lisa clearly wasn't a great one. The great ones are able to bust balls with the boys.
3. Crazy
This is possibly, no, definitely the most male chauvinistic thing we've ever written in this newspaper, but I swear most chicks are crazy. And if you meet one that isn't crazy than she is probably taken. That's why as you get older, you become more skeptical about the cute girls that you meet. You just know that lurking around the corner is some weird trait waiting to be unleashed on you. Has she slept with 594 guys or is she just plain nuts? The thing about guys is that we are predictable. I know with my buddies exactly how far I can push them until they are ready to break. For some reason, chicks aren't nearly as predictable. Maybe that's why they are always fighting with each other and their groups of friends rarely exceed six. Girls don't really know how far they can push each other without a fight breaking out. Guys on the other hand know exactly when they have stepped over the line. One sure sign that you may have met a great one is if you know exactly what you can and can't say without causing a melee.
4. Meeting a Great One?
Another problem with getting older is that it gets increasingly difficult to meet a great one. I mean in college, you can't walk two feet without bumping into a cute girl and you can meet them in normal circumstances. But as you get older, it becomes more difficult to meet cute, normal chicks that you can trust. We all have rigid schedules where we see the same people over and over. I'm a firm believer that you don't meet a great one at a bar. When my buddies and I go out for the night, we aren't looking to meet Mrs. Barstool Sports. We are looking to pick up pseudo-tramps that are ready to party. The last thing we want is Mrs. Barstool Sports to be a chick who could fall victim to a cheesy pick up line at a bar. So if you can't meet a great one at a bar, where can you meet her?
5. How she handles the bottle?
Anytime you meet a potential great one, a big test is the first time that she really gets loaded. This will go a long way in telling whether you can really trust this chick. We all know chicks who put on the "good girl" routine and then you are shocked when you see them go out for a big night of drinking. Cute little Stacey turns into a sexual machine, flirting and grinding with every dude in the bar. Then the next day it's almost as if nothing happened. If you call cute little Stacey on it she may even say that she can't remember and that she never gets that drunk. Very bad sign. A great one needs to have her wits about her at all times. I don't buy the drunken excuse or the blackout excuse. Great ones are great at all times.
6. Guy Friends
As a general rule of thumb, if a girl has lots of guys friends that means trouble. I'm sure there are exceptions to every rule, but I think this one is a pretty good one to live by. The bottom line is that as a guy we all know that there is only one situation in which we'd rather hang out with a chick over a buddy. That one reason is deathly obvious and it involves sex. For some reason, not all chicks understand this. They think it's normal to have lots of guy friends, and go dancing with them and stuff like that. Well it's not normal. The only reason a chick could have lots of guy-friends is if these guys either have already hooked up with the girl in question or they think there is very real possibility of them hooking up in the future. Again, no guy really wants to be friends with a cute chick on a strictly platonic level. Therefore, if your dating a girl who consistently wants to go out with her guy friends then listen to me kid, you dump her and you dump her fast. Unless,of course, you are comfortable with your girlfriend consistently hanging out with guys who are trying to get in her pants. That's always a barrel of laughs.
7. Like Sports but Don't Love Them
There is a fine line between a chick loving sports and liking them. I want Mrs. Barstool Sports to be excited to go to a Sox game or Celts game, but not dying to go. I don't want her to be going in on season tickets with me. I don't want her owning a Tom Brady or Jason Varitek shirt. She has to know not to make plans on Sunday for us, but also I don't expect her to watch the 1,4 and 8'oclock games with me. I can't have Mrs. Barstool Sports getting insulted when I want to go over my buddy's house to watch the Pats or that I didn't invite her to opening day with my extra ticket. I don't want to have to fight her for the sports page in the morning, but at the same time she has to realize just how important sports are because there will be lots of guilt trips and fighting if she doesn't.
So in the end, I am still waiting on my 3rd and final great one to appear. I'm not really in a rush, but logically speaking, it seems like the older I get the less likely it is to find a chick who meets the above requirements and is single. I guess the answer is that I may have to become somebody's Sugar Daddy.
By Staff of Barstool Sports
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