Girls You Have No Chance With: Volume 2
I still don’t know how many people actually “read” The Stool, but if you do, there’s a pretty good chance you remember an article from a few weeks back entitled “Girls You Have No Chance With: Volume 1”, where basically I went through different types of chicks you have absolutely no chance with. Strippers, Keno waitresses, Barstool cover models, etc. Well fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, thanks to a few personal experiences and reader emails, we’re back at it again for Volume 2. Hopefully I can follow the lead of Young Guns and The Godfather by having Part 2 actually be better than Part 1, but per usual, that’s up to the critics to decide.
Let’s begin...
Airline Stewardesses
I was on a flight a few weeks ago from Boston to D.C. which probably held 25 people max and this jackass just would not stop hitting on the flight attendant. Now she was Asian looking so the guy pulls the old “Lemme guess – Japanese?” To which she replied, “Hawaiian, actually.” “Oh.” Annnd the side is retired… Obviously this guy didn’t get the memo that idiots on airplanes have no chance with the flight attendants. Why do people think this? “Soul Plane”? “Passenger 57”? I honestly don’t know. I mean other than that Britney video from a few years ago, have you ever seen it happen? Maybe Elvis did at some point, but banging the flight attendant is probably just the stuff of legend... and porn.
Your Dental Hygienist
First of all, the last time I went to the dentist the friggin’ guy embarrassed me in front of his hot dental hygienist by asking me what I did to “relax” before bed. “Uhhhh, uhhhh.” Yes, he actually asked me that and yes, it was that awkward. Not sure what he was getting at but I haven’t been back since. Listen, we’ve all wanted to bang our dental hygienist since we were 6 years old; that’s just the nature of the patient-spitting-up-blood/hygienist relationship. I guarantee you even chicks want to feel-up their hygienist too. (I made that up) The problem is it’s impossible. I’ve never met anyone who’s even gone on a date with their dental hygienist – male or female. Who does this stuff? Nobody! That’s who. And I won’t blame porno this time either, I’ll just blame the imagination.
The Girl Your Buddy Banged
This one came in via reader email and let me say, I agree with him 100%. First of all The Girl Your Buddy Banged is in all likelihood not interested in you, that’s why she banged your buddy. But even by some chance she is, what happens now is that you’re the one who has to fight through the terrible images of “re-treading” over your buddy’s tracks. Note: this is not easy. Some might say impossible. I guess it depends on how good of friends you are with said buddy, but for the most part you have absolutely no chance of having sex with the Girl Your Buddy Banged. Let it go, move on. For the reasons stated above, it’s just not going to happen.
The Token Girl at the Poker Table
So I was at fucking Seabrook the other day (dog track/poker room in New Hampshire) and per usual there was a chick at the table, probably a 4 in real life but a 10 at the poker table, everybody knows what I’m talking about. Anyway these degenerate townies just would not stop hitting on her. It was like she was the first girl under 100 to ever step foot in the place, which is very possible. I mean you know the girl either brought her boyfriend or her bodyguard to the building. There’s no way she’s at Seabrook by herself. If she was I would’ve proposed in a heartbeat by the way, but the point is that she wasn’t and these donkeys had absolutely no chance with her. Just like with any girl under 100 sitting at any poker table in the country. Even Vegas? Yes, sadly, even in Vegas.
The Blackjack Dealer
Along the same lines as a stripper or a Keno waitress, the borderline cute Blackjack dealer just is not going to bang you. Yeah she’ll flirt, especially after you’re up a few bucks, but as sure I am that you’ll give back your winnings, I can guarantee you’re not going home with the dealer. Hey, I’m as guilty as anyone. I did the old “Lemme guess – Jamaica?” to a Caribbean Island-looking dealer last year at the Hard Rock and she replied, “Actually, Somalia.” Once again, the side is retired… The point being it didn’t matter if I guessed the name of her village, I had no chance with the cute “Caribbean Island-looking” Somali Blackjack dealer. It was like upping your bet after winning 4 hands in a row. No chance…
The Girl at the Toll Booth
This one just involves simple math – but how many times does the toll booth operator on the highway end up being a cute chick? Okay, not many, but it happened to me on the Mass Pike westbound the other day, specifically at the I-290 exit. This was by far the hottest chick to work a toll booth in the history of toll booths. If Playboy (or The Stool?) ever did a “Girls of the Mass Pike” calendar, she’d have to be on there. No wonder the guy ahead of me was taking forever. But what do you say? You’d have to be a freaking magician to pull out a line that fast to get her number. Other than that frankly, I just don’t see how it’s possible.