Girls You Have No Chance With: Volume I
Now if there’s one thing in life I’m pretty sure of, it’s when I have ABSOLUTELY no chance with a girl. I’m also fairly certain when other people, unfortunately, possess the same “0 percent chance” as I do. However for whatever reason, not everyone is aware of this all-too-true Fact of Life, and time after time, continually waste their evenings hitting on these girls. Now obviously not every girl, just certain ones are simply not going to bang you. That’s why today I’ll be providing Volume 1 in a series of probably many titled, “Girls You Have No Chance With”. So memorize it, take notes, do whatever you’ve got to do to prevent yourself from failing with these chicks. And if I could just save one dude from absolute disaster, it was worth it.
Let’s begin…
“Strippers”
Easily the biggest violation comes from dudes who think they have a chance with strippers. I mean we see this day after day in nudie bars across America and Canada. They’re supposed to be friendly with the customers – that’s how they pay their electric bill. If I was a stripper for a living I’d be licking the foot sweat off the fattest girl in the bar just to make ends meet. These girls have a mortgage to pay, damn it, plus “dental school” tuition ain’t cheap you know. Sure the old college try never hurt anybody, but unless you shell out some serious Eliot Spitzer type cash, the most you’ll ever get from a stripper is a free t-shirt and a face full of glitter. Chance of hooking up (for free): 0%
“Promotions girls”
Now I see this a lot in bars throughout Boston – girls who the beer companies PAY TO BE THERE getting hit on by local degenerates. These girls, again like the strippers, are usually more than friendly, more than courteous and more than likely NOT interested in banging you. In some cases the promotions girls are literally the only girls in the bar who will actually talk to you, which kind of sucks, but that’ll happen sometimes when you’re just sitting there playing Keno. Also like the strippers, the most you’ll ever get from the promotions girls is a free t-shirt, unfortunately no glitter, and if you’re real lucky, a shiny new bottle opener.
“Barstool Cover Models”
Listen dudes, I hate to be the bearer of bad news – but a Barstool Cover Model is either dating a douchebag, a professional athlete or a dude making 100x’s more money than me or you. Technically I make zero money writing for Barstool so the math doesn’t quite work out but you get the point. Anyway, chances are, unless you’re one of those 3 people I mentioned, you don’t have a chance with these girls. So why even bother? It’s an embarrassment to all of society, forget your wife and kids. Remember, there are plenty of non-cover models aka “regular girls” at these events now -- it’s not like the old days when it was just me, El Pres and a bubble hockey game. Plus, if all else fails, you can still have a good time at these Barstool parties ogling hot chicks, getting piss drunk and going home to cry.
“Keno waitresses”
Ugh. If you’ve been to a Keno parlor in a casino you know the only people more depressed than the people sitting down are the people standing up. That’s right, the Keno waitresses. I mean imagine being a Keno waitress and making your money off tips? NOBODY WINS, how can you leave a tip? Some of these broads haven’t been laid since the 60’s, so it should come to no one’s surprise they might be a bit “stand off-ish”. See, unlike the strippers and the promotions girls, the Keno waitresses only make money when you make money. And they’re not even guaranteed that. I have some cheap ass friends who wouldn’t tip the Keno waitress if they hit 10 grand. I would because I’m a nice person, but not everybody is. Anyway, I wouldn’t waste my time hitting on the Keno waitress. And if you do, giving her your phone number in crayon is probably not the best technique. (As a side note, I won $8 playing Horse Racing Keno the other day. It was my biggest jackpot in 5 years.)
“Actual waitresses”
Well we might as well add actual waitresses to the list since we already named Keno waitresses as a “Girl You Have No Chance With”. You see this in the movies a lot and on TV, but nobody in real life successfully hits on a waitress. It just doesn’t happen. Now there’s a 1% chance you might get lucky because you go to the bar by yourself all the time and she feels bad for you, but other than that – you’re wasting your time. Again, like many of these other girls we mentioned, they’re supposed to be nice to you. Their rent is on the line here. You think she really thinks you’re funny? Hahaha. Now that's a good one!
“Hot chicks at the Hard Rock Pool”
Finally, the last group of “Girls You Have No Chance With” is the hot chicks at the Hard Rock Pool. Or any pool in Vegas for that matter. These girls are so hot they literally don’t even see you. You could be dead on the towel next to them with vultures swarming around your head and they wouldn’t even blink an eye. I mean you can see the pain in their faces the minute you open your mouth… “Good God I feel bad for this fucking kid” is what they’re thinking. And the waitresses at these pools? If it’s possible to have a less-than-zero chance at picking up somebody, that’s it. Bottom line is unless you’re staying off the strip, well off the strip, you don’t have a prayer in hell in banging the hot chicks at the Vegas pools. If you have, please send complete story to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com.
Well that concludes Volume I -- I’d say that’s all I got, but unfortunately there’s much, much more.