The Gambling “Problem” in Professional Sports
PGA tour veteran John Daly recently published his autobiography and shocked the world by admitting that he has a gambling problem. While this news led to multiple sports anchors feigning concern or surprise as they described the millions of dollars John has wasted in casinos, it really didn’t affect my life in any way. I mean, I don’t want to sound too cynical, but I really don’t care if John Daly gambles away every penny he has. The only thing that truly disappoints me about the story is that John was playing the slot machines. I mean if the guy was losing all of his money at the high-stakes poker tables I would probably respect him for having the balls to give it a shot, but seriously, was he fighting old women to get to the “hot” one armed bandits? I believe he talks about playing $100,000 slots in his book, which I still don’t believe even exist. I can only imagine our overweight hero standing next to this giant slot machine, pulling on its six-foot long arm, shoving coins as big as dinner plates into the slot, all the while slamming cocktails and slapping waitresses. What a moron.
The way I see it, gambling might be the solution, not the cause, of most of the problems with professional sports. I think everyone generally believes that professional athletes are overpaid and that ticket prices have become unreasonable for almost all sporting events (although I’m pretty sure you could still find something reasonable for the Bruins this year). Gambling could solve these problems for us, and give back to the community at large as well. Let’s face it, when idiots like John Daly and Dennis Rodman blow millions in Vegas, their money contributes directly back into the communities of Nevada. Jobs are created ranging from blackjack dealers to hotel maids, and tax revenue is boosted as well. The only problem we really have is that there are not enough local casinos to cash in on these overpaid idiots.
I am currently developing a detailed “organized gambling” plan which I will eventually submit to Rep. Patrick Kennedy in the hopes that he will give it a good once over between shots of Cuervo and midnight votes at the Capital. The plan will revolve around the development of exclusive, state-run gambling clubs aimed only at attracting professional athletes as their clientele. Located near local sports arenas, these “clubs” will offer all the perks that professional athletes appear to enjoy and will only have “high stakes” games to feed their gambling addictions. I have been researching old reruns of “MTV Cribs” and have determined that while strippers will be a necessity, if we also equip the clubs with poorly made basketball courts, tacky pools equipped with imitation Playboy Grottos, and several Playstation or XBox gaming stations, the jocks simply won’t be able to resist them.
Once these exclusive gambling clubs have been established, the entire economic structure of professional sports will be forever changed. Athletes will waste away their ridiculous salaries on various high-stakes games, and this money will then be directly returned to the communities which ultimately pay them these salaries to begin with through purchasing tickets to their events. The convenience and excitement of these clubs will also serve to reduce the urge that some athletes have to bet on professional sports, and thus the legitimacy of the games can be restored to its previous state (well, lets face it, I don’t think Jesus Christ himself is capable of assuring us that professional sports are entirely legitimate…but it’s worth a shot). As for the fans, paying a high ticket price will soon feel like a philanthropic maneuver as it will become common knowledge that a large portion of their fare will be returned to the state. Eventually tax rates will be reduced and the public will have even more money to spend on tickets and merchandise, and thus the revenue will continue to skyrocket.
Seem unreasonable, I think the logic of such self-control gurus as Charles Barkley only serves to reinforce my point. When asked about his own gambling problem, he discussed his need to “control” his problem by reducing his blackjack wagers from $100,000 to $1000 hands. Chuck is always going to gamble, and he’s always going to end up losing. There is nothing anybody can do to stop him (he proclaimed that “its my money and I’ll do what I want with it” in a recent interview with ESPN), so the only thing that we can control is whether he gives all of his money to people of Las Vegas, or perhaps we enable him to spread his wealth to all of the people of America. I think even Dutch Daulton would agree that this is a win-win situation, of course he would also inform us that the world would is going to end before we can truly enjoy any of the profits.