From Her Perspective

The end of summer has always been my favorite time of year.  My birthday generally falls on Labor Day weekend, school was always starting back up (what?!  I’m a nerd, sue me), and I generally prefer jeans and boots to sundresses.  I also enjoy this time of year because I am of the school of thought that uses birthday time to take stock of what is going on in my life, as opposed to New Year’s, when I’m usually too hungover to make any smart decisions, anyway.  That said, I realize now that on my last birthday, I experienced something pretty horrible.  I was dumped.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you’re thinking that many worse things have happened and most likely will happen over the course of my lifetime, but let me explain.  I had never been dumped before.  Yes, I have had people I’ve fooled around with or casually dated give me the boot, more times than I care to remember, actually.  I have had people call me on the phone to tell me specifically that they didn’t like me.  (I’m serious.  Once a guy called me just to let me know he did not like me like that.  Right after we had finally had sex.  Awesome.)  I have had people stop returning my phone calls in general.  But I have never actually had a boyfriend decide to end things without my express permission. 

Let’s get everyone up to speed, just in case they don’t already know: Last year on my big day (well, as big as any 26^th birthday can be), I had all my friends meet me out for drinks at my favorite bars.  We ended up at a now-defunct establishment (so telling) that served Rolling Rock and had a particularly cheesy jukebox, two of my  very favorite things.  My friends were great, but the boyfriend and I were not getting along, as per usual.  One thing lead to another, and we ended up outside at midnight in yet another screaming match, where he decided that he couldn’t take it anymore and had to end it.  As if on cue, my friends came running out of the bar, singing “Happy Birthday.” 

Of course I was inconsolable for days.  Who dumps me?  Um, I did come in second place in my elementary school geography bee in 1989.  But eventually, I got over it.  Yes, I still took his phone calls and we even tried to work things out, but in the year since being dumped, I have learned a lot of things.  Some through therapy, some through dumb luck, but I feel like it’s important to share what I have discovered.

1. Once it’s over, it’s over.  I tried to get back together with the boyfriend more than once, but it was clear that although I was very sad when he ended things, he was right.  We weren’t right for each other and forcing something that just wasn’t there only made things worse for both of us. 

2. Give things time.  Getting over someone takes time.  I rushed back into the dating scene way too soon and none of those “relationships” worked because I was still hung up on my ex.  Also, because I had been with someone (not the same someone, but someone nonetheless) for the better part of six years, I did the stupid thing where I pushed things way too fast because I forgot how to date.  I forgot that relationships take a while to develop and someone isn’t your boyfriend after 15 seconds. 

3. Never underestimate the power of friends.  Especially my girlfriends.  No, there weren’t lingerie pillow fights or kissing lessons, but when I needed them, damn, they went above and beyond what I could have ever expected.  Forsaking everyone for a boyfriend or girlfriend is a really, really bad idea because if it ever ends, you’re screwed.

4. It’s funny how much you can tell about someone by the places they want to go when they take you on a date.  I have been out with some very sweet guys and some really obnoxious posers.  The nice guys suggested places they liked to go, where they had fun and felt comfortable.  The posers always wanted to go to places where they thought I’d be impressed.  As a girl whose favorite place to eat is McDonald’s, their twenty dollar drinks and teeny appetizers were sort of wasted on me. 

5. It’s always better to leave early.  Whether it be in the morning or even that night, you don’t want to be that weirdo who doesn’t get when they’re not welcome anymore.  If they’re interested and you go, it’ll only make them want you more. 

6. Water attracts itself.  Simply stated, if you feel like crap and think you’re crap, you’re going to attract crap.  So stop thinking you’re crap, and you’ll meet someone awesome.

7. There are still bad kissers out there.  I would have thought that by the time people hit their late twenties/early thirties, they would have learned how to kiss.  I was very wrong in this assumption.

8. Giving oral sex because you want someone to leave you alone is a bad idea.  It always ends up blowing up in your face.  No pun intended. 

9. If someone is nice and you go out a few times and it doesn’t work out, it is possible to be friends.  I was previously unaware of that, and I’m really glad I changed my mind on this one, because there are several people in my life now that I really treasure and am glad that we didn’t do that stupid angry thing where we refuse to have any communication solely on principle.

10. Acknowledging the fact that dating is at times frustrating is okay.  It doesn’t make you a bitter person.  Nothing in life is easy all the time, and as soon as you decide you’ve given up on the gender which you find most attractive seems to be just the time when someone cool comes along to surprise you.

So that’s what I’ve learned.  Sometimes I cried, but mostly, this year, I laughed.  And that’s the most important thing.