From Her Perspective

Friends with benefits.  The ultimate, unattainable holy grail.  I say “unattainable” because there is no possible way for friends with benefits to work.  We all think we can do it.  We all tell ourselves that it won’t be a problem.  It’s actually an ideal situation, we say, because we will have this person around to fulfill our sexual desires while we keep looking for The One.  Or The One This Month, anyway.  But it never happens that way.  Things are great for a little while, but then the problems arise, usually big ones, and the friendship either doesn’t survive or takes a very long time to get back to normal.  And before you get all uppity, I’m not talking about one night stands.  I am talking about longer-term friends that you decide you want to do naughty things to while still retaining some semblance of said friendship. 

The first and most obvious problem is that one person usually develops feelings for the other.  This is completely awkward when you are the one who is enjoying a “no strings attached” romp in the sack and the other person is dreaming about what your children will look like and what band will play at your wedding.  If you know that your friend with benefits likes you like that and you do not feel the same way, you have to tell that person it’s never going to turn into anything resembling a relationship.  This is a crappy conversation to have, and it will probably result in the two of you severing any ties because you’ll be too embarrassed to see each one another afterward. 

The second problem is that it’s really hard to have a friend with benefits in social situations.  For example, when hanging out with said friend, it is not cool to hit on other people.  Even though this person is technically your “friend”, you are looking at their naughty parts on a regular basis.  Yes, he or she knows that you are looking elsewhere for true love or whatever, but it still stings to have to watch any potential mating dance that involves a person you are sleeping with and not you.  So basically you have to hang out with only that person and not really flirt with anyone else to avoid any sort of crying-in-the-bathroom or let’s-take-this-outside-asshole situation.  And then it’s sort of like you’re dating, anyway, which defeats the whole purpose of friends with benefits. 

The third problem is that when you meet someone else, the person that you actually want to have a relationship with, things get weird.  First, you have to have that “I met someone, we’re not having sex again” conversation, which is never easy.  Then you have to try and be friends with this person, for real this time.  And a relationship that once involved sex but no longer does is always sort of a letdown

The big issue is that eventually, this person is going to meet your new significant other, and there will be a lot of ‘splaining to do.  And people get territorial.  Even though you guys were “only friends”, that naked line has been crossed.  Don’t be surprised if your old “friend” makes snide remarks about the size of your you-know-what or starts comparing notes with the new person about the cute little mole on your bum.  This will make your new person supremely uncomfortable, the old person has to deal with the fact that he or she is actually a little jealous and you have to be the one to fix it.  And that is a huge pain in the ass. 

You may say that I am wrong, completely.  You may say that you have had a million friends with benefits and there was never a problem and you guys are still close.  Liar.  Sorry, just kidding.  And it’s not that I’m not saying don’t do it, either.  I have talked myself into these situations lots of times and it always ends badly, either for me or for the other person.  The thing is that none of us ever learn because sex makes people stupid.  It makes us think that the impossible is possible and it’s just not true.  I know when an opportunity like that presents itself it’s pretty much not viable to turn it down.  And who knows, you guys may be the first people in history to meet with success…