From Her Perspective

By Kati Cawley
feedback@barstoolsports.com

This weekend, I am saddled with the task of introducing a new guy to my “friends”. I use the term “friends” very loosely, as “lion’s den” is probably a more accurate description. I don’t mean to say that my friends are bitches or mean or anything, but we are judgmental. And with good reason. We don’t want anyone wasting her time with a guy that isn’t going to treat her well, or is an annoying drunk, or has crazy teeth, or anything else important like that.

I was thinking about this and realized that guys have it very tough when it comes to meeting the friends, because we’re unmerciful. Anything we notice that is the slightest bit out of the ordinary will become fodder for the gossip mill for the next two years. Behavior that you think is negligible will be picked apart, ripped to shreds, and thrown back in your girl’s face if her friends think it’s unacceptable. Therefore, I have put together a few “suggestions” (read: absolutes) that you may find helpful when entering the lion’s den:

Dress well and smell good. No tight pants, no tight shirts, and always wear an undershirt. Avoid anything shiny. Think JCrew, but less preppy. Leave all of your disgusting sports jerseys at home, at least for now. The only people who appreciate that kind of thing are other guys. If you must wear a hat, make sure it’s of the baseball variety. The other kinds are too hard to pull off and you don’t want everyone giggling at you behind your back. Extra points if the hat boasts a friend’s alma mater or favorite sports team. Wear deodorant. Brush your teeth. Bring chewing gum. Use it.

Be funny, but not too loud. There is nothing more annoying than Loud Guy. When a group of girls senses a guy is trying too hard, they will think it’s sweet and cute for about five minutes. Then the eyes will begin to roll, the claws come out. It’s important to be chatty and friendly, but don’t dominate the conversation. Let them get to know you on their terms. They don’t want to see that you are obnoxious. They want to see that you are funny, charming, and a good guy to hang out with. Extra points if you buy them drinks. Girls like to be taken care of, even if they know they won’t be sleeping with you later on that night.

Make sure that before you meet the friends, you have at least some background so that you can talk to these people without looking like a jackass when your girl inevitably leaves you alone to gossip about you with someone else. Girls always appreciate being paid attention to, and if her friends know that you made an effort to learn about them beforehand, they will be much more likely to tell your girl that she made a good choice, instead of forcing her to break it off with you. Because that’s what we do. I won’t lie, we are awful.

Be aware of everything you do, because girls are vicious. Think you can subtly “adjust” yourself without anyone seeing? Ha! Right! You’ll be out of there so fast your head will spin. Just try to keep everything in check. Don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want your mother to see. Now, I know it sounds like a lot, and I know you are probably thinking it’s not worth this much effort, but if she’s a girl you like enough, it’ll all be worth it in the end.

Meeting the friends is a nerve-wracking experience. But if you think about it, your girl is probably way more nervous than you are. I mean, come on, who’s the got the bigger responsibility here? You get to go home at the end of the night (most likely, with her – score!) and if it sucks, you never have to see her again. She’s going to be tormented by your presence for the rest of her life. When she’s eighty, festering with her girlfriends in a nursing home, it is likely one of them will remember how you snarfed whiskey up your nose or wore tapered pants. Girls never forget, guys. So, just for this one night, try to live up to these impossible standards. If you’re into the girl, just think of it as one small thing you have to do to reap tons and tons of rewards. There is nothing sexier than a guy who is good to a girl’s friends… well, almost nothing. Good luck!