From Her Perspective

By Mean Kati Cawley
feedback@barstoolsports.com

Girls spend a good amount of time obsessively grooming every part of them in order to appear perfect so that at any time they can have sex without having to worry about errant hairs or unattractive scents. They wax, manicure, pedicure, perfume and pluck to the point of exhaustion, and guys tend to slap on deodorant and are good to go. I’m not saying this is a bad thing by any means, guys’ general lack of interest in beauty products and rituals can be very cute. But everyone could stand a bit of improvement. I have put together a list of the most important things to check for before leaving the house, although I am sure you are all just perfect the way you are…

Eyebrows. It is important to have two. No, it is vital to have two. If you only have one, grab a pair of tweezers (tweezers, please, not a razor) and just pluck out the middle. You don’t have to work with each individual brow, that’s a lot of work and, to be honest, we don’t really care. Unibrows only look good on Bert from Sesame Street. And even he would probably be a little bit cuter with two.

Scent. Most guys don’t use cologne, and that is fine. However, a spritz or two of some sort of scent will drive a girl nuts. I don’t know what it is, but an average looking guy with a good sense of humor and good cologne will do as well as any “hot” guy any day. It’s cute when a guy wears scent; it shows that he is trying. Just a few sprays will do, you don’t have to marinate in it. Also, please don’t spray it on your you-know-what. Girls like to smell cologne, not taste it.

Dry, scaly skin. This usually settles on your feet and elbows, and it’s not a big deal unless you are sharing a bed with a girl. It is a problem because inevitably you will scrape up against her, causing her to bleed all over your nice He-Man sheets that you’ve had since you were five, thus ruining any chance you had of passing them down to your firstborn son someday. All you have to do is rub a little lotion or Vaseline on them and that should do the trick. Trust me, your girl will thank you for it.

Fingernails. Keep them short. You don’t have to get a manicure or anything, but if you want to get one, say you have to do it for a wedding. You may even score some tail from the manicurist who thinks you’re such a good boy for taking the wedding so seriously. Anyway, girls think it’s weird when guys’ fingernails are longer than hers and it also presents a bit of a risk when it comes to other stuff… In case you don’t know what I am talking about, I mean third base. Girls do not like to be scraped. It doesn’t feel good, they get distracted, lose the moment and you won’t be getting the hand job you very rightly deserve.

Brushing your teeth. Do it. Do it when you wake up, do it when you go to sleep. Doing it more often than that is also fine, but I’m not asking for miracles here. Girls won’t be as interested in making out with you in the morning if you taste like old beer and Ramen noodles. It only takes two minutes, so just get off your butt and do it.

Facial hair. Granted, on most guys, facial hair is really cute. But there is a certain length at which facial hair irritates girls’ skin. What?! We’re delicate! I am not saying you have to do anything with it per se, but you should be mindful of the fact that you may be giving a girl face burn, which is almost as embarrassing as a hickey. And it’s uncomfortable, so she may stop kissing you at some point to alleviate the pain. Just a heads-up, boys. Just throwing that out there.

Hair elsewhere. It is inevitable that you will have hair in places even you find odd. Shaving is always an option, waxing if you are more hardcore. I will say this, however. A girl appreciates when you keep things in control below the belt, usually because her face is down there at some point and not only will she have an easier time locating the merchandise, you’ll look a lot bigger.

Luckily for most guys, girls are pretty lax when it comes to your grooming habits. They are more interested in your great personalities, your obsession with video games, and your willingness to run to the store and buy them soda at midnight. You’re great just as you are, but like I said, there’s always room for a little improvement. Besides, they go to such lengths to impress you; it’s only fair that you do a little bit for them. It’s not like you won’t be rewarded…