From Her Perspective

On the Prowl
By Kati Cawley
feedback@barstoolsports.com

As a newly-minted single girl, my eyes have recently been opened to the wonders of the bar pick-up. Of course, pick-ups happen in other places, too, but the bar is where I tend to be, so that’s my point of reference. (What? I heard guys like drunk chicks…) Over the course of the evening, I witnessed several things that made me think that, while most guys have their hearts in the right place and really try to make a good impression, or at least good enough to get laid, they are completely clueless about picking up girls. It’s not a hopeless situation, with a little tweaking and a little help on what to avoid, this will be a pleasant experience for everyone involved.

Scenario 1: Sitting at the bar, enjoying some Saturday afternoon college football, my girlfriends and I are approached by a guy who, after initial introductions, immediately began making tasteless, crass sexual innuendoes. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence on our part, he lurked over to the next group of girls, who were just as unimpressed by his shtick as we were.

What is the problem in this case? He wasn’t saying anything we wanted to hear. Find an excuse to talk. And talking means talking, not spouting off cheeseball lines and disgusting insinuations. If you can, make it funny. Funny always covers up a multitude of sins. Using cheesy lines only works if you do it with irony. If there is any chance that you sound serious, you’re screwed. And if you feel like you have to be crude, make sure you’re charming enough to get away with it. Basically, girls don’t mind a little crass behavior. They just want to know that there’s something else going on there as well.

Scenario 2: Talking to my girlfriends over some very large beers downtown, a guy approaches my friend and hands her a gin and tonic. Claiming he “needed to give it to her” (ignore the double entendre), he spent the next ten minutes chewing her ear off while she politely tried to get the bartender to take the drink away and escape a mind-numbingly boring conversation. She finally got away by making me tell him that her boyfriend was waiting for her outside, but she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. There was no boyfriend, of course…

Why didn’t this work? Simple: never bring over a drink. That screams “roofies” and the girl will think you are creepy. If you want to buy her a drink, go up to her and ask her if she wants a drink, and then buy it for her. Beside the fact that drink-bombing (paying for a girl’s drink after she has already ordered it herself, or paying for a drink and running away) rarely works, it doesn't make a girl feel like a guy is really trying to get her attention, it's kind of half-assed. Usually you’re out eight bucks and left sitting with your buddies instead of getting to know a cute girl who may just be interested in putting out.

Scenario 3: Looking to blow off some steam and shake our collective moneymakers, we head to the dance floor. Inevitably, we begin innocently sandwiching and grinding on each other. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a sweaty, polo-shirted guy grabs my hips and starts pulling me in in some sort of Night at the Roxbury ridiculousness. My friends try to pull me out, but he’s like an octopus. I can’t get away. And when I finally manage to wriggle out and away from him, he just comes at me again and again until I have to run for cover downstairs.

Why should you avoid this situation? Sneaking up on a girl and forcing her to dance with you is something that should never happen. If you want to dance with her, then you move on over to her and start dancing with her front, not with her ass. Like I've said before, if she's interested, she'll let you know. If she tries to politely get away from you, it’s most likely because she’d rather just dance with her friends. No big deal, nothing personal. Not getting the hint and forcing her to make it personal just makes everyone feel badly.

Approaching girls is hard. It’s easy to be scared into survival mode and make grave, grave mistakes that will cost you the phone number, the hook-up, the girlfriend. Next time you’re out on the prowl, and in your Jack-induced haze think that doing any of these things is a good idea, take stock. Think again. And congratulate yourself by making eye contact with the girl across the bar with the pretty green eyes, walking over, and saying hello. It’s simple, it’s a lot easier than thinking up a “line”, and it usually works.