From Her Perspective

By Kati Cawley
feedback@barstoolsports.com

The List. The Doghouse. Sleeping on the couch. It doesn’t matter what you call it, it all means the same thing: you’ve messed up and she is M-A-D. You may know what you did, you may not. But you’re now in a precarious position. Your actions during this time could dictate whether you get breakfast in bed for being the world’s most evolved man or stuck with a Bud Light breakfast with your buddies because she’s tossed you out. Things tend to escalate quickly, and if you’re not careful about what you do, a situation that is relatively unimportant can get very, very ugly.

Often, it seems that most guys have no idea why they are on The List and its due to sheer dumb luck they’re off it now. I don’t think this is fair. Hopefully, I can give a little insight into why this happens and, more importantly, what you can do to get out of it.

I will start by saying that most girls are wired to keep their mouths shut when they are upset. We don’t have to get into societal crap, but girls have been given the short end of the stick in terms of assertiveness, and, unfortunately for you, it is likely you are dating a girl who doesn’t feel comfortable with confrontation. This is not to say that girls in general are not comfortable pouting, stewing, giving the silent treatment, or offering up any number of other punishments when someone does them wrong. So when you do something that your girl feels is completely insensitive, inconsiderate, or just plain stupid, she may not feel like she can call you out on it. I know it sucks, but you’re going to have to ask her about it and be willing to do a little work.

Unfortunately, most of the time, girls are upset by things that guys don’t give a second thought about. Blew off plans? It happens. Forgot to call? Doesn’t matter. But to a girl, it does. If she goes out of her way for you and you don’t reciprocate or at least meet her halfway (fine, break the plans, no big deal, but tell her about it first so she’s not stuck waiting for you), she’s not going to be happy. And the biggest problem is that girls obsess. It’s harder for them to get past it without talking about it and working it out, a notion completely foreign to most guys. Regardless of what happened, what you did or did not do, you’re going to have to have a discussion about it. And don’t fool yourself into thinking that if you ignore the situation, she’ll get over it. Not going to happen. It’ll come up, months later, fifty times worse and you’re going to wish you had never been born.

When a girl is pissed off, she seems as impenetrable as Fort Knox. But there are a few ways to burrow your way in. Be kind. It is most important to acknowledge her feelings. I don’t care if you think she is being stupid. I don’t care if you know the only reason she is acting that way is because of her period. It very well could be. But you have to take her feelings seriously because, to her, they are real. Don’t do that thing that guys do when they completely blow off a girl’s feelings because they think she shouldn’t be upset about something. There is nothing more obnoxious to us and we’ll just get madder. I know it’s hard, but try to be understanding. It’s going to make things much easier for you in the long run.

This is not to say that your kindness and understanding should be without end. There is only so much you should have to take before the ball goes back in her court. When I taught preschool, and kids were grumpy and crabby and wouldn’t tell us why, we asked them nicely to sit quietly at a table until they were ready to talk about it because we were done asking. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to do this with adults, too. If she is being extremely difficult and making voodoo dolls with your picture on them, all the while telling you nothing is wrong, tell her that although you really want to help her, it seems that she is just too upset to talk so you are going to give her some space until she is ready to discuss it. She’ll come around. All of the kids eventually did.

Once you start talking, you may sort of feel like you need to apologize, but want to have your say as well. Here’s a hint: NEVER qualify an apology. Don’t say “I’m really sorry, but…” because that negates the whole thing. You may want to stick up for yourself, and you should, but if you are sorry, just say you are sorry and then move onto the next thing. Don’t mush it all together at once. If you listen to her and apologize, she is going to be much more likely to listen and take your opinion seriously. And you may, shock of shocks; get an apology out of her, too.

Even if you’re not particularly sorry, if what you did hurt her feelings, you should acknowledge that. I’m sure she has or is going to do something that hurts you at some point, and when she does, you’re going to want her to be respectful of that. Maybe she spends a bit too much time outside of work with the hot Tech guy and it drives you nuts. If you flip out on her for doing something like that, you’re going to get the same reaction from her when you put in overtime with the cute girl three cubes down, even if all you are talking about is work. You don’t have to apologize, per se, but telling her you understand why she is upset will make her feel better. Again, a pre-emptive strike. If you treat her well when she’s mad at you, she has to respect you when you’re mad at her. I am talking about the smaller things, of course. Don’t think you can cheat on her and be nice to her afterward and expect anything. That’s not how it works, buddy. But day-to-day rows shouldn’t be life-altering, relationship-ending experiences. Save the fights for the really big things, like toilet-paper-roll replacement.

Getting in fights is never fun. It’s even worse when you’re in the dark about why. Hopefully, you’ll now be spending less time crashing on that old, disgusting couch, pissed off and unable to sleep, and spending a lot more time between her nice, clean sheets. Her bedding is much nicer than yours, anyway, and you know you wouldn’t want to give that up.