From Her Perspective

Four years ago this week, I was anxiously awaiting the moment that the famous AstroVan would arrive at my neighborhood, dropping off the latest issue of Barstool Sports.  Always a special occasion, this was particularly significant.  My first article would be printed inside.  Though it’s been four years, I think that that was my most special story, and looking over it, it’s sort of sweet and nerdy – this was when I was a starry-eyed 25-year-old, full of hope and promise.  How the mighty have fallen, huh?  Anyway, I wanted to share this one with you again.  Notice the use of dorky words like “alight” and “emotional crossroads”.  But it’s cute, and I hope you still like it.  Enjoy…

So it’s Friday night. You’re standing at the back of a crowded bar, near the restrooms, so 95% of the girls who come in are sure to pass you by during the night, with your ever-so-trendy PBR sweating in your hand, when She walks by. No, not the one in the tube top and white eyeliner, the other one, the one with The Smile and The Laugh and, let’s be honest, The Rack. She comes giggling by with her girlfriends and alights on you. For a moment, your eyes lock. Then she looks away and runs to the respite of the girl’s room. When she comes out, she glances at you again before disappearing into the crowd. She smiles.

And then it’s on. You want to find her. You’ve got to find her. You won’t be able to live with yourself if you hang in the back of the bar with your lame-ass friends, ogling random girls that pass by, instead of seizing the potential opportunity of a lifetime. So what do you do?

More than likely, you are at an emotional crossroads. Rejection is everyone’s biggest fear, girls and guys. You don’t want to get up there and embarrass yourself, especially if she isn’t alone. But she was also really cute. And everyone says that it’s better to have approached a girl and lost her than never approach her at all. Keeping something in mind when you do so or ignoring it can assure you end in either hot sex or disaster. It’s up to you. So here’s the secret. To make an impact, you’ve got to give her The Moment.

Every girl wants The Moment. She wants to be approached by That Guy and have something amazingly cool and/or romantic happen to her. She wants to be able to tell her friends about the guy who gave her that instant that only happens in movies. Most of girls get that only once or twice, guys, and they remember. And it doesn’t matter if you’re talking to a staunch feminist, who wants to be treated as an equal, blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t matter. She still wants it. No, seriously. She does.

So screw your courage to the sticking place, friends. Give her that moment. Here we go.

It is more than likely a girl you want to talk to will be in a group. Girls tend to roam in packs, so you’re just going to have to deal with it. But something to keep in mind is that, if a girl notices you noticing her, and she’s interested, she’s going to do things that set her apart from her crowd. She’s going to volunteer to get the drinks, or excuse herself to run to the bathroom, take that extra cigarette outside. She’s going to try to laugh a little louder, try to draw a little more attention to herself. She’ll flip her hair like it’s going out of style. I know, it’s cheesy, but they still do it. This is her extremely, annoyingly passive way of letting you know that she wants you to talk to her.

Look, as much as you guys hate rejection, girls hate it more. So they’re not going to put themselves out there if they’re not sure they’re getting something back. They’ve all been burned before and they didn’t like it. So they’re going to make small gestures. Just pay attention and you’ll be fine.

Once she extricates herself from her band of confidants, she is feeling vulnerable so move quickly. She doesn’t want to stand alone for too long, otherwise she’ll feel like an idiot. This is the point when you smile and say something clever, but don’t make it sexual. Everyone knows that the bar is a potential meatmarket, so avoiding that hackneyed approach will get her attention. Just saying hello and introducing yourself is a refreshing change from all of the sweaty, disgusting advances she will inevitably receive as the night goes on. Remember, after all, she’s worth it.

She’ll start talking to you, most likely about something stupid, and will immediately be mortified by her comments. You can tease her a little, but don’t take it too far. You don’t know her yet and, while flirtatious ribbing is cute for a while, but you don’t want to be that guy that borders on annoying. Just make her laugh; make her feel like she is adorable. Girls like to be told they are hot, but they LOVE to be told they’re adorable. They just do.

Make small talk. Again, avoid any gross sexuality. There’s time for that later. Ask her what she’s drinking. Get it for her. Girls respond to gentlemanly behavior; it’s so rare these days. Try to find out what is interesting and exciting to her. I mean, there are girls and there are Girls. Let her know how lucky you think you are to be talking to her. Though it may be difficult at first, do it. Trust me.

Keep the conversation light and funny. Allow her to sparkle. Sparkling, in case you don’t know, is what a girl does when she feels comfortable enough with a guy to share her best attributes without embarrassment. She can be charming, sweet and funny without getting too preoccupied wondering if you’re trying to get into her pants. Of course she’ll be preoccupied with this thought to some degree because, like I said, girls are all a bit jaded and pretty much convinced that a guy is going to use them and drop them, but whatever you can do to prove that you’re not that way (because I know you aren’t – you’re not going to treat her like crap, right?) is a good thing. The most important thing is showing what a genuinely nice guy you are and what a genuinely cool girl you think she is.

As the night goes on, you will most likely experience uncomfortable lulls in the conversation, too much information being shared, encounters with drunk jerks trying to blow up your spot, and a multitude of other blunders, but if you keep in mind why you are talking to her (because you’re interested in more than a sleazy hook-up) and show her how fortunate you think you are to have gotten to hang out with her, you’ll be fine.

Always go for The Moment, guys. Trust me. You’ll be thanking me later.