From Her Perspective

There are ass men.  There are breast men.  But the most important of all, of course, are the wingmen.  The men (and girls – sorry, women) who help us focus and zone in on That Girl or That Guy (let’s make it easy here and just pretend all wingmen are looking for girls) that catches our eye at the bar, the beach, the carpool lane at the elementary school.  There are many species of wingmen that range from cute puppies to small children to your ever-loving roommate who vomited on the shoes of the girl you fell in love with over the course of an evening.  Some are more successful than others, of course.  Let’s talk about the most common phyla of the kingdom known as wingmanus animalius.  Fine, that’s all made up, and probably makes no sense, but you get what I mean.

The Benevolent Fuck-up.  This is the friend who wants very badly to be there for you and help you pick up girls, but is terrible at it.  He’s either sloppy drunk, a really weird dancer, or kind of pervy, but not on purpose, of course.  Benevolent Fuck-ups have their hearts in the right places, but you’re better off distracting him with another bottle of Jack or the glossy headshot of Jerry Thornton that you keep in your wallet than actually sending him into battle.  He’s going to do something stupid that will ruin everything.  Best to handle the situation yourself, if it comes to that.

The Hot Friend.  You know you have a friend that girls think is hot.  Usually, that guy is totally oblivious to this fact, or doesn’t care, and this makes him an excellent wingman.  He can go up to any girl and she’ll instantly be in love.  He may not have a good personality, particularly, but as long as he flashes those dimples or whatever, you can swoop in and distract the girls with how hilarious and cool you are and they won’t know what hit them.  Just make sure your Hot Friend is clear on which one(s) you like, otherwise he may inadvertently steal your thunder.  This leads me to the most dangerous wingman of all…

The Sneaky Bastard.  You have to watch out for this one.  This particular species of wingman pretends to be a good friend and tries to help you out, but in reality is tearing you down in the hopes of getting laid himself.  I know girls do this all the time, not sure if it’s as prevalent in males, but they are as dangerous as Pete Manzo at a Keno tournament (do they even have those?).  There are certain symptoms of Sneaky Bastard that should never be ignored.  The first thing to look for is whether or not said friend has done this to others before.  If he has, he will definitely strike again.  (Note: Female Sneaky Bastards, also known as Sneaky Bitches, can be identified by their lust for drama and inclination to insane jealousy.  For example, a Sneaky Bitch will go up and talk to a guy, flirt with him outrageously, and then innocently wonder aloud why everyone falls in love with her.  Avoid at all costs.  As a wingman, and probably in life, actually.)

The Gem.  Now, these are of course the rarest species of wingmen, as their skills so often lead to a friend getting laid, which you know never happens.  Just kidding!  This is the type of guy who is flirtatious, but not overly so.  Married guys tend to be good at this, because the pressure’s off for them.  Funny and outgoing married guys are your best weapon, really, because the girl you like won’t feel threatened by him.  Gems also tend to really talk you up in a good way, but won’t say disgusting things like “cool boobs” or something else ridiculous like that, because they understand (well, as best they can) how women work, and what they want to hear.  If you have a Gem as a friend, don’t piss him off and buy him beers regularly.  You will be rolling in, well, you know the word I mean, but will not say because I’m a lady (shut up, I am!)…

As I said before, there are many other types of wingmen that are both very useful and conversely, should be avoided at all costs.  Just make sure you think before you send a fellow man into combat.  You all want to come back in one piece.