From Her Perspective

It’s no secret that I love adult films.  I think they are completely hilarious and I’m obsessed with them.  Though I can’t touch a crème-filled snack or a penis for a week afterward, the ninety minutes I spend in front of Edward Penishands or United Colors of Ass are never wasted.  So you can imagine my delight when I recently received a very romantic gift, in the form of 1999’s Joey the Midget and the All-Stars.  I mean, what says love more eloquently than bargain-basement porn?  Exactly.  The cover says “good things cum in small packages”, and who am I to argue with that kind of advertising?  I was hooked from the start.

As with most filthy, zero-production value movies (I say this with love, of course), the movie was broken up into three parts, each featuring Mr. Joey T. Midget with a different All-Star.  Now personally, my favorite part is the story line – the cheesier, the better.  However, Joey, being the visionary that he is, threw convention to the wind.  Why have story lines when Joey can just show up, with no explanation, in the All-Star’s respective pool house, living room and bedroom?  And furthermore, why not put him in a furry, leopard-print fedora and nothing else?  And to top the whole thing off, cover him in black eyes and open sores, but don’t say anything about that, either.  And definitely don’t use any band-aids.  Done and done.

As I said, Joey shows up and throws each All-Star into such a sexual frenzy that she forces him to make fervent love to her.  In the first vignette, Joey appears at a “woman”’s (I say woman with much trepidation, as I am actually pretty sure this one is a dude) pool house.  He walks over to her and she of course cannot contain herself, as is evidenced by her demonstration of several lewd tongue gestures and egregious use of a dildo.  For about ten minutes, he watches her, adjusting his giant hat when necessary, swatting away the hundreds of bugs that are buzzing all around them (awful).  Finally, he is seduced by her 1980’s body-builder bikini and snake tattoos that were definitely created with a Bic pen and goes to town.  This is where it starts to get a little bit boring, and a little bit horrifying.  For all of Joey’s swagger, confidence, and pudgy little feet, he doesn’t really know how to actually get her off.  It’s pretty embarrassing and difficult to watch, until finally, thankfully, the All-Star decides to make it all about him, which is really what girls are supposed to do anyway.  Luckily, this is a pretty easy thing to do (I guess he has a thing for post-op trannies) so we are all put out of our misery in a timely manner.  He finishes, she starts laughing in his face, and they fade to black.

We meet our next All-Star in her home.  She is relaxing in her living room in a white Naugahyde chair, pleasuring herself in a purple vinyl nightgown.  With the door open.  Just an ordinary Tuesday, I suppose.  She’s enjoying herself immensely, probably thinking life couldn’t get any better, when all of a sudden, there he is.  Three feet of hunky man meat, and this time the open sores are covered with bandages.  Classy.  This All-Star actually sort of looks like a nice mom who’s just trying to make ends meet, and she’s not as into humiliation as the first “girl” was.  This is kind of endearing, but truthfully, a little disappointing.  It’s clear that Joey is pretty full of himself, and her playing into that just sort of made me mad.  But you have to appease the star, so while this was also all about Joey and fulfillment of his desire, I got a better sense of the wicked games struggling adult film starts have to play in order to make it in that cruel, cruel world.  And then he comes, she pretends it’s awesome, and that’s a wrap.  Oh, and she didn’t use a condom.  I have a feeling that’s going to come back to bite her in the ass…

The final chapter in this sordid tale… well, okay.  I’ll be honest.  I didn’t watch.  But that’s only because it’s very clear that they found this particular All-Star passed out on a sidewalk somewhere, picked her up, and carried her to a cheap motel, cameras rolling.  This girl is out of it.  And she is wearing some sort of brown tin-foil outfit.  It’s too sad and creepy to watch, so I can’t actually tell you what happens.  But then, a good movie review never ruins the ending, right?

I know you’re probably reading this during a work commute or perhaps while killing time at the office.  So I’m sorry if I got you all hot and bothered while you’re trying to keep it together in the fishbowl, bullpen, cubicle or office.  But Joey tends to do that to people.  I wish I could give you some back story, or at least a picture of the man in question, but even with a thorough search, I came up empty-handed.  I don’t think Uncle Buck could even get to the bottom of the mystery that is Joey the Midget.  But then again, do we really want to?  Happy viewing!