From Her Perspective

This week I watched a show on PBS (whatever, shut up) about this comedian who was really funny.  Like, really funny.  I’m not sure if you guys have heard of him, but his name was George Carlin.  I’m telling you, you heard it here first.  He was a genius.  Anyway, he used to perform this skit called “The Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television”.  Trust me, they’re filthy.  Not as filthy as a Jerry Thornton comedy show, but then again, what is?  So you probably know all of those words, but you may not know that there are also seven words you can’t say to a woman.  I mean, you’re probably thinking that there are a lot more than that, but really, it boils down to seven.  For the purposes of this article, at least.  In no particular order, here they are.

Fat: It is only acceptable to even think this word around a girl unless you are referring to your ex (i.e. “I saw Kelly last week.  Wow, she got fat.”)  This of course will only be temporarily acceptable, as the next time you get in a fight; it is inevitable that said girl will say “So you think I’m getting fat like Kelly?”  Sorry, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.

Skinny: This is sort of the same thing.  You may think that this is an insult, in some cases.  You may see a girl walking down the street that is so tiny that instinctively you reach for your phone in order to donate to one of those “Save the Children” things just so she can have a cracker when things get rough.  However, if you comment to your girlfriend/wife/ friend-with-benefits about this, she will automatically think you are judging her.  Specifically, she will think that you think she is fat, because she doesn’t look like this poor waif blowing down the street on a light breeze, and instead of having good sex with you she will be worrying about the size of her thighs in relation to her angle on the bed/couch/park bench.  You can tell your girlfriend, et al that you think she is too skinny, and she will take it as a compliment.  I know how sick it is, but you also know that it’s true. 

Period:  As in “Are you getting your period?”, “Do you have your period or something?” or “You must be getting your period.”  Blaming anything: emotion, hormones, tears, even if you are just asking a girl if she has her period to be conversational (which, if you do, you should probably stop, because that’s very, very strange) is never okay.  The girl will go into a rage blackout, murdering you and whoever is in the unfortunate position of standing in front of the freezer, blocking the ice cream and vodka.  I can probably think of a couple instances where talking about a period is okay, like when you’re trying to have a baby, but even then, I’d probably just skip it. 

Bitch: You know you’ve called your girlfriend a bitch, either to her face or behind her back.  Sometimes she is a bitch, fine.  But if you are fighting and tell her she’s being a real bitch; prepare to have your eyes clawed out.  This is a word that girls can find extremely offensive when it’s coming out of a guy’s mouth – like, it’s okay for girls to call one another bitches, but when it comes from someone with a penis, it’s abusive to women.  Suckers! 

Slut: Same thing.  Girls can call each other sluts, but the second you say slut, you’re an asshole who doesn’t respect women.  Too bad!

Woman’s Work: If you are looking to get slapped in the face, definitely say this.  Definitely.  And these are two words, so this counts as seven, for all of you sticklers out there. 

So I know they’re no sh!t, p!ss, f^ck, c^nt, c$cksucker, motherf^cker and t!ts, but they will offend and enrage the females in your life to the point where you’ll wish you’d never been born.  Think very, very carefully before you use them unless you want to reenact some sort of Rock of Love catfight.  But then, do you really need your testicles anyway?