From Her Perspective

You have all experienced this: you meet a girl at a bar, you like her and you get her number. A few days later, you give her a call and ask her to either go on a date or at least "meet up" with a group and end up hooking up at her apartment and opening your eyes the following morning, wondering how the fuck you ended up in the bed of a girl who still has Strawberry Shortcake sheets. Or something like that. No, I did not have Strawberry Shortcake sheets when I was in my twenties. I had Cabbage Patch Kids bedding, thankyouverymuch. Anyway, you pretty much know this isn't the girl for you, but you can tell by the way she is wrapped around you and looking at you lovingly that the apathy is not mutual. You extract yourself from her grip and politely tell her you'll give her a call, and then run out the door as fast as you can.

Sucker! Just kidding. You know what is going to happen. You didn't have a terrible time with her, and there isn't much else on the horizon, so you meet her for a drink or twelve a couple of times, always go back for some mediocre sex, and before you know it, you're at that crossroads. She's starting to think this could really go somewhere, and you're kicking yourself that you let it get this far. I've talked about "fillers" before, those people that you waste time with until something better comes along, but what are you supposed to do if you really are a nice person who got yourself into a mess like this and now don't want to be that jerk who just disappears into thin air? (Note: please, please, PLEASE don't be that guy. It's just shitty. You wouldn't want your sister to be dropped like last week's issue of BSS, would you?) Be the good guy and, even though it really sucks, give it to her. You know what I'm talking about - the Uncomfortable "Eff You" Call.

First of all, make sure it is an actual call, not an email or text. It's not easy, but really, she can't help the fact that you don't like her, so why make her think it's her fault? Of course she won't see it coming, so make the pre-emptive strike. The key is to not do anything that will make her feel stupid and used, that she tried to be a good person and you were the a-hole that gave her bulimia for two weeks. This means, if she calls you, don't ignore her. Be a man! And when you do talk to her, be honest, as kind as you can be, and don't lie. For example, I was seeing a guy who wasn't into me because he had a fiancée I didn't know about. They were going through a rocky patch when I met him, and ultimately, he decided to stay with her. When he finally called me to tell me this, he wanted me to hold off on meeting anyone else for a few weeks just in case it didn't work out with fiancée after all. This is a great example of what not to do. Here's what he should have done:

"Hi, Kati. I just wanted to call you because I wanted to tell you that you are a really great girl, the funniest and prettiest I've met in a long time. I had fun with you, but I need to be honest. I met you during a time when my life was in turmoil, and I should have told you this, but I'm engaged. I shouldn't have pretended that I was engaged three years ago, which is what I told you. I am actually currently engaged. Sorry I'm a huge liar. And I know that if I were more skilled 'in that way', you would have had a better time. I apologize for that, too. So after some soul-searching, I've decided that it's for the best that I try to work on my relationship with my fiancée, which of course means that we won't be able to hang out anymore. I have really enjoyed our time together, because you are so smart and beautiful and fun, but it's selfish for me to keep you in the dark about this situation, because I think you're a really terrific person. So thank you so much for everything. Please expect a large box full of Chanel markup from Bloomingdales to arrive at your apartment this week as my way of saying 'Thanks for the memories. You're really, really hot.' I am sure I will be kicking myself for this later."

Of course I still would have been a total bitch and yelled at him, and maybe I'm exaggerating the teeniest bit, but I think you can see what I'm getting at. Just by being honest with me, and maybe the tiniest bit complimentary, I would have been mad, but at least I wouldn't have wasted my time. I also could have avoided feeling like a total fool. Think of how many girls you meet that you fall into this trap with, and when you see them at a party a few weeks later, you have to hide. But if you are upfront with her, you can at least wave and not have to sit in that other room where all of the rejects hang out. Besides, every good deed you do comes back threefold later on in life. So just think of how much pussy you'll be getting then. Really, it's worth it.