From Her Perspective
Baby Talk
Okay, so this afternoon I was walking down the hallway in my office when I hear this guy talking to his girlfriend on the phone. He had apparently tried to get tickets to that new Batman movie (which yeah, does look awesome. I loooove Batman.), but since at the time of this writing, the movie had just opened and it was all over the news that there wasn’t an available ticket in town for twelve days, it was pretty unf*cking likely that he was going to get anywhere. Especially sitting in a hallway in an office building in the suburbs, making personal calls, instead of selling his soul on eBay or something. But I guess this answer wasn’t good enough for girlfriend, because she was throwing a fit. How did I know? This is what he said:
“I know my baby wants to see the movie. But it’s vewwy hawd to get a ticket. I’m sowwy.”
Um, excuse me? What did this grown man just say? I wished I had one of those Acme anvils to drop on his head. This guy was definitely older than me, yet he was talking to a (presumably) grown woman as though she was a toddler. And you could tell that she liked it, because then he said:
“Baby all better? Good.”
Well, I had been standing there for kind of a long time, so I had to keep walking, but the whole situation made me nauseous. And kind of angry. Also, what is she doing that’s so important that she can’t try to get tickets herself? I digress. No, this guy wasn’t attractive. At all. Yes, he is probably so excited to even have a girlfriend that he will submit to any sort of stupid request she has. And she is probably the type of girl who thinks baby talk is cute and makes her sound sexy. And in turn, he reciprocates.
I will state my true feelings now: I in no way shape or form think baby talk is appropriate. I think it is incredibly obnoxious. I also think that people who do it in public are insecure about their relationship so they overly demonstrate that they are “so happy and in love”, which leads me to believe that the entire relationship is a sham to begin with. However, there are probably some people who, correctly, take a more moderate stance on the whole thing, and think that in some situations, it’s tolerable. What is a happy medium when it comes to baby talk? Where should the line be drawn?
Though I know I am slightly overreacting, there are a few things that I think are absolutely unacceptable when it comes to baby talk. Unless you are Uncle Buck, you should never refer to yourself in the third person, or whatever it is called when you call yourself “Baby”. I forget all of my elementary school grammar, but you know what I mean. It makes me hate you. Also, don’t say crap like “Does baby need a beer?” when asking your significant other if he or she is drunk enough yet to want to give you oral sex. That makes me hate you, too. I don’t care if you are in the privacy of your own home when you are talking like this, my bat signal goes off regardless of where you are and I’m going to have to come to your house and punch you in the face.
Personally, (and when I say that I mean that you should agree with me, because I’m right) I think public baby talk is 100% verboten. Are you kidding me? I touched on it a few paragraphs ago, but give me a break. I’m slowly training myself not to vomit when my friends cuddle with their spouses in front of me, but I get that. It’s impulsive, wanting to touch someone. I don’t love it, but I can handle a backrub or hand-hold. I cannot handle “You’re so cute!” “No! You’re so cute!” Especially guys. Honestly? Make her give you your balls back. You teach kids the difference between “indoor voice” and “outdoor voice.” You should be able to differentiate “home talk” and “public talk.” It’s not adorable, it’s terrible.
You’re probably thinking that I am an embittered bitch who nobody loves or will ever love. This may be the case, but it doesn’t change the fact that baby talk sucks. So do everyone a favor and keep your mouth shut, okay? And will someone please help that poor bastard get some tickets to Batman? I have a feeling he’s not getting any until his lady friend gets a little Christian Bale action…