From Her Perspective

A few weeks ago, I was out with my friends at a bar and noticed a guy who looked really familiar.  For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out who he was, but after a few hours of not-at-all-obvious staring, it came to me.  About three years ago, we had gone on a handful of dates.  He was okay; I was going through a low self-esteem phase, so I went along with it.  After a few weeks, he decided he didn’t want to hang out with me anymore.  What was the reason, you ask?  He said, “You like me too much.” 

After the steam stopped coming out of my ears and I stopped beating him about the head with my shoe, I found that I was madder about the comment than about being summarily dropped.  I liked him too much?  How was that possible?  He was calling me nonstop.  He was the one who had me meet all of his friends and he was the one who brought me giant boxes of Everlasting Gobstoppers because he knew I liked them.   I was flattered by the attention and we liked the same television shows, but there was no way I liked him more than he liked me.  As I relayed this story to my friends, even three years later, my blood began to boil.  That one little sentence sent me into a hive-covered rant (I get hives when I get really mad or eat Sweet Tarts) and nobody could bring me down.  When the guy realized who I was and ran screaming from the bar, I made my friends promise to never, ever say that to anyone.  Here are a few more things that I think nobody should ever say: 

“I love sports.” (Only if you are a girl)  Now, I know that many jock girls, including several close friends of mine, will hate me for saying this, but it drives me insane when girls who clearly don’t love sports say that they do in order for guys to pay attention to them.   There probably are some girls who actually do like sports, but there are way too many who don’t, so I think nobody should say it and therefore I never have to be annoyed.  Don’t blame me; I wasn’t the one who muddied the waters, ladies.  It’s those pink-hatted poseurs who ruined it for everyone. 

“Oops, I puked.  Want me to clean that up?”

Don’t bother asking.  The answer is always, always, always yes.  Nobody wants to clean up your vomit. This goes for any sort of misdirected bodily function, really.  Just do it. And feel embarrassed about it, especially if you don’t know the person very well.  If you do know the person very well, still don’t ask, just do it, but you can laugh about it a tiny bit. 

“I’m an excellent drunk driver.” 

Why tempt fate?  First of all, really, nobody is a good drunk driver.  Even if you think you are, you aren’t.  You’re drunk.  You may be a lucky drunk driver, but I guarantee you’re not a good one.  Studies have shown that people who brag about being a good drunk driver before entering a car are 75% more likely to get in an accident than those who just keep their mouths shut and go.  Fine, I made that up, but I bet it’s actually true.   

“Here’s why you were wrong.” 

I guess if you want someone to stop listening to you right away and immediately get mad at you, regardless or whether or not it’s justified, go for it.  There are so many ways to get this point across without sounding like a jerk, but for most people, this seems to be the preferred method.  Look, I warned you, so don’t expect me to feel sorry for you when everyone hates you for being an uppity douchebag. 

“How far along are you?” 

Everyone has probably done this before, and it’s mortifying if the person is not, in fact, knocked up.  Unless you are absolutely sure a girl is having a baby, do not ask her questions about her pregnancy.  You don’t want to be responsible for the inevitable eating disorder this girl is going to have as a result of your innocent question. Finally, and most importantly:  “No cheese, thanks.” This is just dumb.  The only thing that cheese doesn’t make better is breakfast cereal.  And that’s something you get yourself, you don’t order that from anyone, so it doesn’t even count.  You always get the cheese.  Always.