From Her Perspective

So, how often do you fight with your significant other?  I’m not talking about the drag-out crazy fights that last for a week and then end up getting fixed over a case of beer and weepy “I’m sorry, too”s.  I’m talking about the little ones, the times of the day where you roll your eyes and thank God that at least she’s a good cook because otherwise, you’d throttle her.  They never amount to anything, usually, but it is annoying.  The problem is that something happens to your words when they leave your mouth.  They turn into something completely different to a female ear.  I am sure there is a scientific term for this, but I wasn’t paying attention that day in tenth grade so for brevity’s sake, let’s just call it “What guys say and what girls hear are two different things”.  Let’s explore “What guys say and what girls hear are two different things” by citing some examples that I am sure have come up in your everyday life and translate them.

What you say: “I’m going out tonight.  You don’t mind, right?”

What we hear: “I am going to the bar for the third night in a row with my friends and I’m not inviting you so I can flirt with chicks and come home wasted and try to have thirty-second sex with you.  In the morning, I’ll be too hung over to do anything productive, so you’re going to be stuck taking care of me in addition to doing everything else you have to do.  But remember, next time you go out, I’m coming.”

What you say: “Are you mad?”

What we hear: “You’re mad.  I know you’re mad, but I am going to play dumb so hopefully I can shame you into keeping your mouth shut and not telling me what I did wrong and let me continue to believe that I am wonderful and without flaw.”

What you say: “I was just going to do those dishes.”

What we hear: “I was not going to do those dishes.  Good thing you did, because they’re starting to grow mold.  Oh, and can you bring me a soda?”

What you say: “You’re paranoid.  I’m just friends with that girl.  I’m not cheating on you.”

What we hear: “You’re not paranoid.  I’m not just friends with that girl.  I am cheating on you.”

What you say: “I farted.”

What we hear: “Good-bye, romance.  I am officially taking you for granted.  Please feel free to start groping other guys on the T.”

What you say: “Wow, (insert female’s name) looks good.”

What we hear: “I want her, not you.  For the next few weeks, or until I do something else to piss you off, can you try really hard to be just like her?  You know, go to the gym three hours a day, grow red hair, turn your eyes blue, because it’s not you I want, it’s her.  Oh, and can you please make a ton of snide comments to me but don’t tell me why you’re doing it.  Cool?  Cool.”

What you say: “Are you getting your period or something?”

What we hear: “Clearly, I am deranged.  I want you to lose your mind and start yelling at me for everything I’ve done wrong over the past five years because that’s the only reason I would ever say something so stupid.”

What you say: “Can you please get your hair out of the bathtub drain?”

What we hear: “I am trying to make you cry.”

What you say: “It’s okay if you’re tired.  We don’t have to have sex.”

What we hear: “Can we please, please, PLEASE have sex??!  Come on!  Don’t make me beg! ”

I’m not saying that what we hear is always true.  It’s definitely not.  It is more than likely you never ask us to grope men on the T.  That doesn’t change the fact you take things in a totally different way than we do.  The ancillary condition to “What guys say and what girls hear are two different things” is “What girls say and what guys hear are two different things”.  This can be explained much more easily, of course.  The literal translation of what we say is what you assume we mean.  Suckers!  But for real, it’s only fair.  I mean, you guys can keep the same haircut you had in preschool (“high and tight” – are you kidding me?) and still be considered attractive.  We’ve got to level the playing field somehow.