From Her Perspective

When we were first starting out, way back when (I don’t know if BSS has reached the middle/high school contingent yet – so this could be a far more current topic and I actually have no idea, but I’m jealous that I wasn’t getting any at that point.  Fine, it was probably my overalls.), everyone stumbled and fumbled and basically made the girl or guy that we were hoping to seduce think that, although we absolutely no idea about what we were doing, what was being done was not only just okay, we would never, ever get better.  Because, duh, we were the masters at fifteen, eighteen, and maybe even twenty-one, right?  But, as we all know, things got better.  A lot better, actually.  

Of course, now that we are husbands, wives, or at least college graduates, pleasing a man or woman would be old hat.  I mean, obviously, we are more than capable of bringing someone to their knees within the requisite commercial break or at least by the time the DVD previews finished, right?  You’d have to be, with all that practice.  But if we are going to be really, really be honest with ourselves, there are probably a few things that we are still completely baffled by.  Fine, actually, you are totally NOT thinking this way, but I am going to tell you right now that some of you are definitely guilty of something that is completely horrifying. 

Okay, this is kind of hard for me to say, because you are such nice guys.  I mean, you know that we don’t like you to be awake before we have time to brush our teeth and put on concealer, so you pretend you are asleep until we look at least half-human.  You don’t think we fart and you don’t comment when we give a half-assed hand job (girls - if you want to avoid the poke in your side and get back to Saved by the Bell in a timely fashion, just cup the balls and moan. I mean, I don’t know from experience; I read that in a book.  For reals.).  You probably even get us a tissue afterward.   You are truly a great guy.  And you probably don’t even think this is a big deal.  Actually, it’s far more likely you think this is cool, when it comes to discussing it with your friends.  But from her perspective (ew!), it’s no good.  Deep breath.  It’s hard for me to tell you this, okay?  Because it doesn’t mean I think less of you, I promise.  Fine, I’ll say it.  A lot of the time, you guys come in girls’ mouths with no warning.

Whew. That was huge (That’s what she said- FACE!).  We’ve been waiting to tell you this for about three months now.  It’s really adorable that you think you are a big man, a big stud for the nightly tonsil blast that you impart upon the lady who is good enough to perform the favor.  But really, if she is willing to burp on your dick, the least you can do is let her know when the inevitable explosion is about to happen.  It’s only fair.  So, all we (and when I say “we”, I really mean the girl that you are making totally uncomfortable) really need is some sort of signal. You can give the requisite warning (“I’m gonna c!me” – what?!  I’m a lady!) or, if you feel like you’re one of those exceptional guys, do something really cool, like start speaking Spanish or something (not like I know from experience, okay?  OKAY?!!?). 

All right, so you’re probably totally turned off right now, but come on, you know you’ve done this once or 289 times in your lives.  The thing is, as much of a turn-off it is to a girl (I mean, if you can’t even control THAT, how are we supposed to think you can control yourself when we get blackout wasted and accuse you of being in love with our bestie?  What?!) it is as much of a safety issue for you.  I know a girl who, when put in this situation, was so surprised that she bit down on some guy’s you-know-what and it was VERY uncomfortable for him for at least a few months.  Luckily, he was cheating on her so there weren’t that many blow jobs left in his future.   But even if he wasn’t a jerk, the outcome would have been the same. 

I know so many boys who are incredibly sweet (okay a little salty too, but only because he smoked) and nice who just don’t think about warning a girl when the inevitable becomes evitable.  And this is what I am talking about.  It is never, ever okay to get your proverbial rocks off and not warn your little pumpkin that it’s about to happen.  It is super messy for both of you.  Furthermore, you will for sure become that guy who splooges all over girls.  You’ve known it your whole life – we’re all sisters.  We don’t keep secrets.  I love you too much for your whole life to be ruined by this.  So give a hint – even a subtle one will do - and I won’t have to hear about you next weekend for being a total perv and ruining my friend’s night.  You owe me that much, don’t you?  Kisses!