From Her Perspective

The other day, I wore my spring coat.  Yes, I was frozen within ten seconds and had to run back inside with seven stages of hypothermia, but the reason why I wore it was because I heard some birds singing outside my window.  And everyone knows that is the universal sign of spring, right?  Anyway, it got me to thinking about what the best parts of this upcoming season are going to be, especially as compared to the horrible snow and gray skies we have been stuck with for the past 58390 months.

Girls will be taking a greater interest in their appearance.  Now, I'm not saying that I am immune, because I know I fall into this trap sometimes (ONLY sometimes, okay?  Back off!), but a lot of girls use the bad weather as an excuse to have permanent greasy hat hair, hairy legs and take the whole no-pedicure approach because it's too freaking freezing to do anything else.  Big mistake.  I mean, guys suffer enough during these few months with no football, girls - why torture them further by forcing them to rub up against your woolly mammoth legs?  Ew!  But don’t worry, gentlemen, in a few weeks all girls will be remedying these problems and pretty soon the caveman you’ve been boning will be a distant memory.

People will be having outdoor sex.  I don't know about you, but there is no way I am taking my pants off outside in 659 inches of snow.  No, thanks.  But once the weather gets nice, I’m all in.  It’s also kind of hilarious to be able to walk through the Common and watch the college kids think they are being sneaky by having sex under one of those gross dorm blankets.  Who are they kidding?  Of course, maybe I shouldn’t spend so much time watching these kids, but that’s beside the point.  That brings me to another warm-weather classic – the people doing Tai Chi and those other mind-altering exercises on The Common.  When I used to live in town, I would pass them every morning on my way to work.  Initially, I thought they were drunk homeless people, but I guess they’re not.  Wait, are they?

Driving with the music loud and the windows open is something I really, really love to do, but when your eyeballs freeze like Audrey Griswold’s in Christmas Vacation, it’s not that fun.  It’s mostly because I have such a beautiful singing voice, but it also makes me feel like I’m in some sort of pivotal scene in a movie where everyone watching would feel so inspired about life they would start crying and/or donate their life savings to feed starving children. Personal faves: “Just A Friend”, “Buffalo Stance” and “You Don’t Bring me Flowers”.  Babs and Neil really hit a home run with that one.

When the weather gets nicer, everyone feels compelled to walk around outside more.  Thusly, the chances of your running into someone you know go up threefold. (These are actual scientific numbers I have tallied.  Well, not me personally, but a guy I know.)  And before you ask, no I never, ever talk to them.  Ever.  I would sooner die.  What I do like is calling up my friends and pretending like we had some sort of meaningful conversation, even though what I really did was run across the street in abject fear of any sort of social interaction.  Besides, what do I care about what is going on with them?  If I were interested, wouldn’t I have kept in touch all along?  All I want to do at that point is talk about you behind your back.  Duh.

Beyond the normal warmer-weather stuff to get excited about, like baseball, mowing lawns and backyard cookouts that are still technically too cold to have but drinking beer outside and eating hot dogs is what it is, even if you’re still wearing a parka, I guess I’m mostly excited to be done with another crap winter and start having some fun.  This is the approximate time of year I start seriously considering moving somewhere warm and/or go tanning, but ultimately I end up being too scared to do either.  I expect to see you all at March Madness, where I hear Uncle Buck is giving out free kisses to the first 100 people in the door.  With tongue.  What?!