From Her Perspective

Every two weeks, the new Barstool Sports comes out and we all click on the newest issue online or grab one from the news stand.  Though I am quite sure most of you dirty boys read this paper for the articles, there may be one or two of you who really look at the pictures of nakedish girls on the cover.  It is the one thing, besides impeccable journalistic skills, that sets Barstool Sports apart from the other Boston rags that line the sidewalks of our fair town.  I am sure you all have opinions of who you think are the hottest, but let’s be honest; my opinion is the only one that really counts.  Just kidding!  At any rate, I would like to share my list of the top five hottest cover models of all time.  Or since 2005, anyway, because the older ones aren’t online.  And I am not talking about each girl’s entire photo shoot.  I am talking cover only.  There has to be some rules, okay?   

5. March 21, 2007 – Vanessa.  She’s very cute and I bet she went out and bought this little red outfit especially for this photo shoot.  Some of these girls look like they are wearing their Wednesday unders or something (read: not special).  And I really like her heart tattoo.  She looks like she’s psyched to be there, which I think is my favorite part of all. 

4. November 1, 2006 – Lauralee.  I wish I had her ass.  And her hair.  But, really, I wish I had her ass.  And doesn’t she look like she’d be a really good cook?  I don’t know what makes me think that, but I bet you anything she is.  And did I mention that ass?

3. October 4, 2006 – Andria.  You guys are probably like “Um, she’s dressed.  I don’t get it.”  But if you saw this girl hanging out with her friends wearing that, you’d be drooling.  Lots of the cover girls are in the generic bra and panties and that is cute, but the fact that this girl looks so pretty and she is actually wearing clothes says a lot in my book.  (And fine, I know I said no comments about the photo shoot pictures, but I think it’s funny that she is holding a basket of apples in a few of the shots.)

2. May 30, 2007 – Heather Lee.  She is gorgeous.  She is just so beautiful.  And I love her bikini.  And I’m not scared of her.  Some of the models scare me.  That sounds totally weird, but some of them really do.  This girl looks like she is nice and normal and probably she votes.  Not that I’ve ever voted, but I always respect other people who do.  You know that scene in Knocked Up when Seth Rogen is telling Katherine Heigl that he thinks Vince Vaughn would want to be friends with him?  That’s sort of what I think about Heather Lee.

1. June 29, 2005 – Kim.  I think this girl wins Cover Model of the Year every year, even though her cover was out three years ago.  She is my all-time favorite for many reasons.  I love how happy she looks.  She looks healthy, like she runs around a lot and then goes out and drinks beer with her friends.  And I love that she isn’t totally naked but looks SO sexy.  Basically, what I am trying to say is that she doesn’t look whorish, okay?  Not that other girls do, but, um… okay, I gotta go.

Honorable Mention: September 19, 2007 – Stephanie.  Fine, this girl is from Canton and so am I, and I think Canton Rules.  I just wanted to give Canton a shout out, okay?  Leave me alone!

Honestly, all of these girls are pretty, and they have about 1000% more confidence I ever could have to pose in various stages of undress, have their picture taken in front of actual people and have it plastered all over the Internet and the city of Boston.  So they all deserve a little recognition.  But if I had to choose, which I guess I never had to do, but did anyway, these would be my picks.  It’s something to hold me over until Dave decides to put girls in sweat suits eating cheese fries, slugging Jack and watching TV on the cover.  If that day ever comes, watch out.  I’m all over it.