From Her Perspective

Okay, so I was thinking about what I wanted to write about this week when I remembered that when I started writing two years ago, I put together what I thought was an awesome, fool-proof holiday gift guide.  And then I remembered that two years ago I was a single, drunk, maybe a little bit slutty girl with minimal morals and maybe, just maybe, I’ve matured a teeny bit since then.  So here’s a look back at what I thought was a really, really great article and what I actually think about it now…

“That’s all well and good, until you’re forced into a crowded mall, clutching a fistful of ATM cards and a vague notion of what you think your girl would like to find under the Christmas tree, Hanukah or Kwanzaa bush, or wherever you choose to put your gifts.”

Um, okay.  I wrote “bush” with zero irony.  How could I have missed that?  There was more going on in that paragraph, but it really doesn’t matter what else I wrote.  And “wherever you choose to put your gifts” in the same sentence?  I feel like that one is way too easy.  Sometimes I am incredibly dumb.  Also, I kept saying “your girl”.  I think that that’s really annoying.  Hopefully I don’t say that anymore.  Feel free to knock me in the face if I do.  Also, I think I spelled “Hanukah” wrong.

“If you have been dating less than one month: This is the most difficult time period in which to choose a gift… I say your best bet is something small and sweet, like a movie or book you know she likes or a funny gift. I would advise against getting anything like concert tickets or tickets to a show that takes place far out into the future. The relationship is still way too new and anything can go wrong, in which case you don’t want to be stuck high and dry, single and stuck with two tickets to Christina Aguilera.”

I actually still agree with this one.  Including the fact that I think Christina Aguilera is awesome.  Okay, moving on.

“Two to six months: You are getting to know each other better, and have more of an idea of what she likes, so your gift can be more intimate and reflect her personality. You can start buying things that involve future plans, like Red Sox tickets if you can really see a future with her, and since you have a better idea of what her style is, you may even want to venture into clothing territory.”

No.  Nope, I was just plain wrong when I wrote this.  Um, Red Sox tickets?  First of all, dating two months does not make it okay to drop $400 on a gift because that’s how much it will be.  And I said “future” ten thousand times.  And although buying clothing, in theory, may be a kind gesture, it’s just going to get returned because no matter what she’s not going to like it.  Even if she tells you that’s what she wants, I would bet that by the time the actual day comes around, she’s probably changed her mind. A gift card, however, is always appreciated. 

“Six to nine months: I would say you are now safely in the lingerie zone. So feel free to start leafing through the Victoria’s Secret catalogue, or, if you can afford it, venture into La Perla, but unless she’s into the spike heels and vinyl, go for sexy and pretty as opposed to sexy and trashy.”

I think this part is so funny because in all of the time I’ve ever had a boyfriend or dated anyone, ever, not one of them has bought me lingerie.  I was totally talking out of my ass.  Really, I think this is a stupid idea.  Sorry if anyone actually took this advice.  Well, you know, Hanky Panky thongs are really cute, one size fits all, and not overly expensive.  So, okay, I will modify the tiniest bit: if you’re going to get anything along the lingerie line, I would suggest getting those.  But that is the ONLY suggestion I have in terms of lingerie.  It’s nicer if she surprises you with it, don’t you think?  

“I would recommend that if you are thinking of getting creative with clothes (i.e. buying something she didn’t expressly ask for), ask a female with taste similar to her own to come with you and help pick something out. You don’t want to find your gift stashed in the bottom of her closet next Easter.”

Although this sort of contradicts what I said before, I still agree with the female advice angle.  I mean, if you have a trusted female friend who knows your girlfriend or has taste that you know other girls admire, there is no reason not to ask for her help.  Just make sure she’s not helping you so you can see what an awesome girl she is because she’s trying to steal you away.  Shut up, you know it happens.  So just be careful.  Girls are crazy.

Okay, so looking back, maybe I didn’t do the worst job in the world.  A lot of what I said was complete BS, but I guess if you say anything with conviction, it sounds believable.  Two years has given me some perspective, kind of.  At least I learned a little bit about what not to do, which is important.  I hope you enjoy this holiday season, overdo it on the spiked eggnog and hot toddys (I have an excellent variation on this drink with proven health benefits if anyone is interested, just email me) and that your little heart gets all it desires this year.  Happy holidays!