From Her Perspective

You may remember that a few months back I conducted my first Real Interview.  It gave me a huge sense of accomplishment and, well, fine, arrogance.  I mean, it turned out really, really well.  I was fielding calls from most of the major news outlets, both local and national, trying to get me to write for them.  An inspiration, and a voice of a generation, they called me.  But I graciously turned them down.  I mean, nothing could give me the satisfaction that I get from writing for Barstool.  And I can skip the line at the parties.  Of course, this does not mean I am immune to falling over said velvet rope when I do, but I digress.

My next in-depth interview subject would have to be someone who really spoke to people.  A real life one-of-you-guys, but with better hair.  Just kidding.  I looked high and low, and finally came upon Frank.  Frank is a twenty-something with insight as to how to get chicks, how to talk your way out of sticky situations with chicks, and, most importantly, didn’t care if I used his real name.  He’s a modern-day Robert Redford, who just happens to look like Bobcat Goldthwaite (whatever happened to him, by the way?).  What insight can he provide me that I can twist into something funny and pass along to you?  I was confident that the results would be mind-blowing.  Or at least if it proved to be disappointing, I could just talk about giving blow jobs and distract you and everyone would wins.

So Frank and I had a meeting of the minds recently and I gleaned lots of very interesting information from him.  Oh, also, I think the most important thing to note is that Frank, much like a well-loved personality on the Stool, only talks about himself in the third person.  And he refers to beers as “grogs.”  A little pretentious, if you ask me, but who am I to mock the master?

Frank, you are well-known within several circles for your luck with the ladies.  What’s your secret?

Confidence.  Definitely confidence.  Even if I have to fake it, I never let a girl see me feeling nervous.  It’s not attractive.

How does one get a girl to do whatever you want her to?

Excellent question, Miss Cawley.  The first thing you need to do is to be charming.  How, do you ask?  Self-deprecating humor mixed with sexual innuendo and the smallest bit of cockiness.  When a girl senses a bit of a challenge, she can’t help herself.  Compliments work, too.  I don’t know why guys don’t compliment girls more, they eat it up. 

That sounds pretty simple, but you’re right, guys don’t do it.  Do you think that your affected sincerity is what has kept you knee-deep in pussy for the past few years?

It has to be.  And it’s genuine sincerity, you jerk.  Guys don’t realize how easy it is to make a girl want them.  Don’t tell tons of lies.  Or if you do, remember what lies you told so you don’t confuse yourself.  Call her if you like her.  Tell her she’s pretty.  If you don’t think she’s pretty, tell her something else nice about herself.  There’s always something nice about a girl, even if it’s only the way she treats you. 

What is the kindest thing a girl has ever said to you, and how did you respond?

Easy.  Frank was with a lady a few months back and she was really into it.  She was an older woman, about thirty or so, and it was pretty clear she wanted to run a dick-sucking marathon on old Frank here.  Afterward, she turned to me and said “I’ve never felt so affectionate toward a man before.”  Frank looked deeply into her eyes and said “I’ve never been called a man before.”  It was a really touching scene.

I wanted to talk with Frank more and glean more secrets from his unending treasure trove of knowledge, but alas, he was bored and wanted to leave.  But, much like a t-shirt a man leaves at your apartment because it’s covered in gizz, I knew I would hold onto this meeting forever.  Frank, wherever you are right now, Godspeed.  And thank you.