From Her Perspective

Okay, so yeah, I’m a little sleep deprived.  Yeah, I’m a little stressed.  Unfortunately, I’m not even hungover, since I spent the weekend planning and throwing a bridal shower (which kicked ass, by the way.  I may have found my new calling.).  Although I’m not in a bad mood, per se, I have been noticing some things over the past few days that have REALLY made my blood boil.   So I am going to write about them because, well, because they’re really bugging me and if you don’t like it, suck it.  See?  That’s how crabby I am today.  I’m using insults that were popular when we were in the third grade.

Okay, this has bothered me since the beginning of man.  Didn’t your mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters, ANYONE tell you that when an old person gets on a train or bus and the seats are all full that you give up your seat?  I know I have talked about this a billion times, but lately it has reached epidemic proportions.  I don’t care if you’re hungover, I don’t care if you’re tired.  If someone old enough to be your grandparent is hobbling onto some mode of public transportation and there are no seats, GIVE YOURS UP.  What if they fall and break a hip?  It’s your fault.  Because you know they can’t hang onto the handle – once people reach the age of 45, they become incapable of holding onto the poles provided.  They fall all over the place.  So get up.  Just do it, so I don’t have to punch you in the face.

This is so gross I don’t even know how this came to be.  I was on the elevator this morning with a mouth breather.  She was standing there, in this confined space, with her mouth open like an idiot, breathing away all over me.  It was awful.  And I encountered two other mouth breathers this weekend as well.   Here’s a tip: when you’re breathing, close your mouth.  That’s why God gave you a nose, so you don’t breathe your gross tongue spit all over everyone who is forced to be around you.  I don’t need to see your buck teeth – did you ever notice that all mouth breathers have creepy teeth?  That’s probably why they’re mouth breathers; they can’t get their lips over those crazy chompers.  But I don’t care.  Close your mouth, it makes you look stupid.  And it’s unsanitary. 

So being told what to do is annoying, right?  It is.  We understand that we are supposed to wash our hands after we use the bathroom.  We get that the blue trash can is for recyclables, even if we put our non-biodegradable foam Dunkin Donuts cups in there anyway.  Well, recently some chucklehead put these insane signs on all of the fire doors in our office that say something stupid like “make sure you look to see if anyone is coming through the door you are about to exit so you don’t smash them in the face and send them flying backwards down the stairs.”  And then there is a picture of some stick figure being thrown down the stairs that, I will admit, is extra funny.  But isn’t that a little obvious?  Don’t we all know that we aren’t supposed to go barreling through a door because the person on the other side is going to get slammed?  I know I do.  Okay, this pissed me off because I have been making fun of this sign since it appeared on the door and this morning I wasn’t paying attention and crashed through it and nearly killed someone who was trying to come in.  What?!  Everyone makes mistakes.  I don’t need this sign mocking me about it.  Hmph.

Fine, last one.  I am not old.  I mean, I’m older than a lot of you, probably.  But I still get carded at the bar (fine, it’s probably a formality, mostly because I make a sad face to the doorman when I don’t).  And it’s not like I wear mom jeans and have feathered hair, so why call me “ma’am”?  I’m 27!  But I think that even when I’m 75, I will prefer to be called “miss”.  It’s so much nicer.  So stop calling me ma’am, or I’ll really give you something to cry about.  Hm, maybe I am a little old…

I could go on, and on, and on, but I am sure you’ve all moved onto a more positive article by now.  If you’ve stuck with me through the end, I thank you.  I promise that my next article will be full of good humor, sexual innuendo, and cheese fries.  Until then, I hope you enjoy the dog days of summer and if anything is bugging you, feel free to let me know.  I feel amazingly good right now.  Venting is fun.