From Her Perspective

If you graduated from college this year, I congratulate you.  You are officially done being a kid and now you’re a schmuck like the rest of us.  Sucker!  Just kidding.  You have many, many years of booze-soaked, broke, responsibility-free years ahead of you.  But things definitely change.  Forgive me, as I entered college ten years ago (gross, I just puked on myself), and things are a little hazy.  Or maybe that’s because I’m still drunk from last night.  Anyway, I remember when I went to college (Go Orange!), it was very, very easy to get used to having a life that revolved around beer, cheese fries and, well, more beer.  Class was an optional extra, and sleeping until three in the afternoon became my real job.

When I left college, after I had finished my final plate of cheese fries (I really did that – got my cheese fries and got directly in the car and drove back to Boston.  I thought it was sufficiently dramatic and final.  What?!  I was 21, what did I know?), I returned home to what I pretty much figured would be an extension of what I had been doing for the past four years.  However, I was very much mistaken.  On many, many fronts.

Okay, first, um, work?!  I had had summer jobs, usually two or three at a time, so I understood that I needed to do something to earn my keep.  But I quickly realized that a summer job is NOT the same as a real job.  Summer jobs are about wearing shorts and sitting outside, sweating off the hangover from the night before.  They’re about flirting with cute coworkers and doing the bare minimum in order to not get fired.  Wait, this is actually sounding pretty similar to what I do now.  Hmm… but really, going home from college and getting your first real job is a pretty huge deal.  It’s much more traumatic getting in trouble at a real job than just a summer one that you’re leaving in a few months, anyway.  You have a boss to impress that doesn’t care how late you stayed up the night before, and unlike in high school, your permanent file at work counts. 

So in addition to having to scramble to find enough clean, not-wrinkly work outfits for the week, you are most likely living at home.  Living at home is hard enough when you are actually a kid, but after you’ve experienced the sweet taste of freedom that college allows you, it can be hell.  Doesn’t matter how much you love mom and dad, they are not going to be cool with you stumbling around the house at all hours of the day and night, eating all of the food and leaving messes everywhere.  Because you’re in that weird stage where you’re still a kid but you’re kind of not a kid anymore, and it’s hard for both kids and parents to negotiate.  You want to be taken seriously, but you also sort of just want to have your mother do your laundry and make your dinner.  And they have been used to not having you living in the house for four years, which is a big adjustment for them as well. 

Okay, so you’ve got a new job, new digs, and you’re most likely in a different place that you’ve been used to for the past four years.  The bubble of college is a nice, warm and fuzzy place, and as you grew up, you gained seniority.  It was perfectly acceptable as a senior to kick a freshman out of your booth at the bar, and forcing underclassmen to perform such menial tasks as taking notes for you in class or hand washing your jock-strap.  But once you’re out of school, you’re back to being the low man on the totem pole.  This is especially true for guys.  A 21-or-22-year old guy gets zero respect.  Even their female counterparts want little to do with them, as they have realized that old guys love young girls.  This means that the girls that were all over you last year are currently being fondled by a guy that makes five times what you do and will no longer give you the time of day.  And when you’re first out of school, all you really have to talk about is school, even though it’s over, and nobody else really wants to hear about it. 

Finishing college is a huge milestone, one of a handful that really defines your life.  It’s probably the biggest change you’ll ever go through.  It can be daunting, but take heart.  You will get a job you love, or at least be able to tolerate so you can afford your two-or five-bottle-of-Jack habit a week.  You are going to move out of your parents’ house.  And the girls will come back, don’t worry.  They’ll realize that they were stupid for ignoring you when you were nothing but sweet and adorable, and they’ll feel badly.  Especially after they see what happens to their asses in about three years.  I will tell you – eating crappy food, drinking yourself into a coma and not working out will eventually come back and bite you in the behind.  No pun intended.  I know from experience, dude.  You are going to be fine.  Remember, if I came out okay, it’s pretty much a given you will.  You never wore overalls after middle school, after all.  And I suspect your penchant for Saved by the Bell isn’t as all-consuming as mine.  So you’re already well on your way…