From Her Perspective

Being the only girl consistently involved with Barstool Sports has its perks.  At parties, I get free drinks.  Okay, sometimes.  Yes, usually they are drinks purchased by my friends, but that doesn’t matter.  People usually think I am the girl on the cover (which I in turn take to mean that it is permissible to skip the gym that week).  But no matter how many benefits I reap, it is still For the Common Man, by the Common Man.  But what if I had some say in what happens here on the Stool?  My first job would be to choose who goes on the covers, because that would definitely be the most fun.  And although I think Pres does a pretty amazing job at picking hot chicks, my choices would be a little different.  Here are my top five choices for who I’d put on the cover, if I had the chance…

5. The boys from Blog Island.  I also mean this to include the boys from the message board, which is a slightly different animal.  People who visit the website know that the blog is pretty much taking over the internet in terms of breaking news, on-point sports coverage, and general hilarity.  Yes, the writers get the discussion started, but it’s the dedicated Stoolies who carry the conversation to the great heights that they reach.  Granted, I don’t know who a lot of you are, but you spend a lot of time making this an entity that is slowly but surely taking over the world, and for that, we thank you.  I’m thinking the photo shoot could involve some sort of Cabin Boy-esque theme.  And of course, no shirts.

4. Boston Cannons.  You all know I know nothing about sports, but I think most girls will agree with me that athletes are hot.  Even the ones that aren’t hot in real life somehow become very sexy once they hit the playing field.  My personal preference is for lacrosse players – there is something so attractive about how brutal those guys can be.  Or maybe it’s the shorts they wear.  Or maybe it’s their big sticks.  At any rate, they fly under the radar and I think they are hot and it’s my decision, so I get to put them on the cover.  As long as I get to hose them down/oil them up/pose with them/make out with them.  Um, have I said too much?

3. The Fox 25 Morning News Guys.  Every morning I switch between reruns of Saved by the Bell and this newscast.  I am only moderately interested in the goings-on of the world around us, when pitted against the greatest sitcom ever created, but these guys are so funny.  They also present the news in a way that doesn’t make me feel badly about myself for sticking to the A&E section of the paper (fine, and the wedding announcements), and even clues me into the important stuff everyone already knows about.  I feel smart for throwing factoids into conversations and okay, I think they are cute.  Knowledge is sexy, people. 

2. The Barstool writers.  They spend all day objectifying women from the confines of their offices and cubicles, pasty, pale, and probably hungover, while the cover models kick their asses at the gym, spend hours at the spa and salon, and generally spend a lot of time looking really hot.  Why should we let them have all the fun?  Let’s get these boys up there in front of the cameras!  I can’t think of anything sexier than Dave, Jamie, Jerry, Manzo and UB prancing around the basement of a dark bar, posing seductively with beer bottles and pool cues.  You know you love them, you know you’d probably want to see them in various stages of undress.  I know I would.

1. Mike O’Malley.  He is a chubby blond bald guy from New Hampshire that’s really funny.  I personally can’t think of a better package.  If there was any famous person that I could get with, it would be him.  I have felt this way for years and defy you ladies to find someone sexier.

There are a lot of other responsibilities that I know come with running the empire that is Barstool Sports, but this would be really fun.  There are lots of other guys I can think of putting on the cover – the guys who work at CitySide, the Boston Fire Department (mmm, men in uniform), and the guy who I see hanging out in front of the Bank of America every morning on my way to work.  I’d feel like a kid in a candy store.  Okay, all this talk of hot men is getting me a little wound up.  Excuse me while I take a moment for myself…