From Her Perspective

Yes, I am a typical girl.  Well, maybe not typical in all senses of the word (I did dress up as the prom queen for Halloween and wore my college boyfriend’s letter jacket, totally thinking I was the coolest, funniest person in the world and the only people who laughed were my friends), but I am a typical girl in that I appreciate when guys do all of the hard work. 

Now, I don’t mind in the least going to my friend’s version of third base (let’s just say it is NOT actual third base, it’s a little less messy as everything is caught in a certain “receptacle”), as long as there is cuddling after (kidding, ew), but when it comes to putting myself out there, I am loath to take those crucial steps unless I know the guy is going to be right there with me.  Specifically, I’m talking dirty talk.

Okay, now when I was younger and cuter, this was never a problem for me.  The stuff that would come out of my mouth would make me blush the following day.  My poor boyfriend was probably horrified.  But now that I am a grown-up and areas have settled that I wish were still perky, I have hang-ups.  And this definitely makes it harder to be open.  I know a lot of girls feel this way, so here are some things that help me feel like less of a goon when it comes to sounding like a whore.

If a guy is going to talk me up to the ceiling and back down again, he has to understand that there is a time and a place.  I used to date a guy who was really hot and so much fun to be around, but he jumped into the dirty talk (and it was really, really filthy) approximately 14 seconds after we were alone.  We weren’t even doing anything yet; we were like eating chips and watching Scrubs.  It immediately made me super uncomfortable and laugh my head off, which of course did not bode well and things fizzled pretty quickly.  I mean, come on, wait until you at least have your shirts off. 

Another thing that personally helps me with dirty talk is getting me drunk.  But not too wasted, as then I become comatose and only want to eat Ramen and go to bed.  To loosely quote the Kids in the Hall, I like to make it a night to remember, so I get drunk, but not so drunk that I don’t remember.  Lots of people don’t always feel comfortable saying dirty things without a little liquid courage in them, I think.  It definitely helps.

The last thing that really helps me, and this is where you may want to start taking notes, is to ask questions.  No, not like trivia questions, but, hm, how do I put this delicately… I can definitely give updates, but I am not one to initially broadcast what I am thinking.  Heavy breathing and moaning is easy enough, but sometimes it’s hard to actually tell a guy what you want them to do (I know, I know, girls are horrible, horrible creatures but face it, we are what we are).  Ergo, if a guy asks me if I like what he is doing, I will tell him.  If he asks me if I want him to put something somewhere, again, I’m cool with that.

Oh, but don’t ask if you are so big or so hard, or anything lame like that.  It’s awkward for us, mostly because if you feel like you have to make us tell you something like that, it’s probably not true.  And that just makes everyone uncomfortable.  Telling a guy he is big and hard is the easiest part of the dirty talk, so don’t worry, if you are, she’ll let you know.

Eventually, the dirty talk becomes easier, especially if you find yourself talking to the same person over and over again.  And if all else fails, you can just put on some porn and go to second base.  That usually works, too.  So, did you like it?  Do you want me to do it again, naughty boy?  (I’m practicing!  What?!)