From Her Perspective

A guy friend of mine recently started dating a girl he’s had a crush on for many years. Having finally reached the “this is my girlfriend” introduction stage, he asked me when I thought was the right time to tell a girl you love her.

This question definitely made me pause for a moment. When is a good time? Is there any such thing? Or are we just kidding ourselves?

What I came up with is this: There isn’t exactly a “good time.” And it doesn’t necessarily have to be a big production either. Most women aren’t expecting extravagant displays like those you see on TV — I love you spelled out in candles, surrounded by rose petals or streaming by in the air off the end of a plane. You should just say it when you feel it, when you know it, when you’re ready to let her in on it. That being said, there are a few bad times in which, if you decide to drop the most anticipated three-word phrase, will certainly put you in the proverbial dog house.

For example, telling her you love her at 2 a.m. after a night of heavy drinking …probably not the most romantic gesture. She’s also inclined to believe at that point you aren’t being truthful and just saying it because you’re under the influence of many, many Guinnesses. And she’ll worry you won’t even remember saying it in the morning. Let’s be honest: Who would?
Another bad call: Telling her you love her while in the midst of a heated argument. Let’s say you’re fighting about the fact that she saw you checking out the waitress at dinner. Telling her you love her for the first time to make the yelling stop will probably only enhance the volume. And you’ll never live it down. Never. Many years and two kids later, she’ll still be telling that story at parties.

As for time frame, in most cases, telling a girl you love her two weeks after you started dating may send her running to the nearest police station looking for a restraining order. It’s best to use her subtle (or not-so-subtle, depending on the girl) hints as guideposts.

When she starts using the word “we” in sentences, referring to the two of you, introduces you to her family, starts leaving small items at your apartment — these are all signs she’s ready for the C-word (commitment), and that she might be getting ready to tell you she loves you too.

I think it’s important to note here that there are women out there who are what I like to call “commitaphobes.” Men get an unfair rap about being afraid of relationships, when I suspect there are just as many women out there avoiding his and hers (insert product here).

If you tell a commitaphobe you love her, she might freak out and break up with you soon after. But there’s also a chance that in time, and with the help of Paxil, her anxiety about commitment will fade and you’ll live happily ever after.

The other day I asked an ex-boyfriend, who’s a little leery about relationships himself, what his advice would be. He said never, never tell a girl you love her. And then, as an afterthought, he said if you do say it, make sure you mean it.

Minor detail.