From Her Perspective

I have a secret shame.  There is something I love almost as much as I love Billy Madison.  Something more addictive than crack, more educational than the History Channel, and, dare I say it, more entertaining than the caffeine pill episode of Saved by the Bell.  I have loved this since I was a young girl and discovered the beauty that is the cable black box. 

I love porn.

You may think that this makes me a freak, that I am the type of girl who slinks around Amazing Video on Sunday afternoons, checking out the latest selections, rubbing up against unsuspecting patrons, and generally a very creepy girl.  This is not true.  Okay, yes, I was at Amazing Video last Sunday afternoon, but that doesn’t count.  In truth, I am not a freak.  I don’t enjoy weirdo sexual acts, and I rarely rub up against unsuspecting customers, no matter where I am.  I just really love watching porn.  But admitting to engaging in this “hobby” (actually, is it a hobby or a lifestyle choice?) results in people often getting the wrong idea about me.  If you say you enjoy porn and you are a girl, guys automatically think you’re up for anything, and that anything usually involves going into a hole that is normally reserved for exits only.   In my case, this could not be further from the truth.  Everyone who knows me knows I’m generally all talk, and that porn makes me laugh because it’s silly.

Granted, I have not spent more than a few dollars on any video, so I may not be one hundred percent qualified to discuss non-disgusting-cheaply-made-clearly-amateur porn, but watching these movies over and over again has given me some insight as to why exactly guys expect certain things from girls that are just ridiculous.  And, if you watch a good amount of porn you definitely see patterns emerge that don’t really come up in actual real life. 

I think that the biggest issue is that every porno worth its salt has at least four or five insane money shots.  And I say insane because they are completely disgusting, over the top, and you are never going to get your girlfriend to do this for you in real life.  Unless it’s your birthday or some other major holiday.  And if they do do it, they’re not going to make those happy faces and act like they love it like the girls in the movies do.  But seriously, it’s pretty gross and if you expect a chick to actually like doing that, you’re sadly, sadly mistaken.

Dirty talk is another area that porn definitely manages to ruin.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with dirty talk, it’s definitely fun.  But listening to other people’s dirty talk is just silly.  Especially because it is so, so contrived and these “actors” are really, really terrible.  The fake moans and “ooh, right there”s may not be that far fetched from real life, but it just sounds absurd if you don’t actually mean it. 

And the outfits.  Come on.  Nobody wears the crappy stuff that these girls wear.  I’m sorry, but girls wear bras.  And panties.  And they don’t wear stripper shoes unless they are actually stripping.  It’s just not reality.  So when you try to get your chick to purchase something like that (or, gasp, get it for her as a gift), she’s not going to wear it. 

So basically, porn is awesome, but not necessarily for the reasons you may think.  In truth, after watching most of these movies, I am not interested in having sex or eating (especially anything cream-filled) for at least a few hours.  But they’re entertaining, they sometimes give you good tips, and they definitely make you take sex less seriously.  By the way, I heard Screech is releasing some sort of sex tape, do you think it’ll be better than Jessie’s performance of “I’m So Excited”?