From Her Persective

For the first time in two years, I had a week off.  It was actually a little more than a week and I will say now, with much shame and regret, that I was on a serious bender.  It wasn’t entirely my fault.  I never went out intending to get wasted, it just kind of happened.  That said, I actually spent a lot of time on a barstool the past twelve days and had many deep, intellectual conversations with The Common Man.  Many Common Men, actually.  And every single time, the conversation turned to lesbians.

I know that all straight men can’t think of anything hotter than two chicks going at it, and maybe that is why so many girls “experiment” with other girls.  But the weird thing is that, outside of college, or their early twenties before their tits start to drop, it never really sticks.  They aren’t really lesbians, it’s faux.  And since I like to make up words, they will henceforth be referred to as fauxsbians.  Lucky for you, I have a lot of experience with fauxsbians, as I lived with one for three years.   Therefore, I think it is time for me to impart my wisdom upon you, as I have kept this from you long enough and it’s probably the only thing I have to say that you’re really interested in, anyway.

Studying a fauxsbian in her native habitat was eye-opening for me.  I’ll give you a little background.  Mine started off dating guys.  Lots of guys.  And after she had gone through pretty much every guy we knew, it should have been inevitable to me that she would then go after the fairer sex.  It started out innocently enough at first, a few kisses here and there, but as time went on, she became more and more involved with the local female population of our neighborhood.  And as her fauxsbianism grew, I became more and more privy to just how fucking insane chicks are.  But I digress.

It seems to me that true fauxsbians are all pretty similar.  They wear slutty outfits, and have really nice tits and asses.  They love to drink.  They use that excessive drunkenness to initially justify their female hookups (i.e. “I was so wasted, I didn’t even realize I was kissing Jessica and not Eric”), but then change their story to something like “At first I was just doing it when I was drunk, but now I see that I’m really attracted to the female spirit.  It’s just so much more spiritual and romantic to be with a girl than with a guy.  And besides, Amanda (or whoever, insert name here) really gets me.   For the first time, I can just be myself.”

This “real relationship”, however, doesn’t last.  Mostly because someone new comes along, and most of the time, that someone new is a guy.  This means that poor little Amanda, who was laboring under the delusion that this was a match made in heaven, is now suddenly out in the cold.  And that’s where the crazy starts.

Even though I have taken out my crazy on many guys in the past, dealing with fauxsbians really should have clued me into my own bad behavior.  There is nothing worse than a mentally unstable early-twenty-something girl scorned.  You all know this.  You’ve all been privy to the billions of late night phone calls (maybe even from me) and cursed yourself for giving out your phone number.  Since my roommate was not one for talking on the phone as much as running out of the apartment when these girls called, leaving me to deal with it, I have a lot of experience letting chicks down easily.  I found that they were excited by the initial attention my roommate paid to them and then disappointed and confused when she dropped them with no explanation.  Most of the conversations, and there were many, went like this:

Fauxsbian: I just didn’t think I could feel this way about someone, especially a girl, and now I feel so cheated and betrayed.

Me: I know it was exciting, but maybe the whole thing was more about the sex than the actual relationship. 

Fauxsbian: Maybe.  I’m just tired of the whole game and want to settle down.  And the sex was hot, but it was more than that.

Me: How so?

Fauxsbian: Well, she was just so in tune with what I was feeling.

Me: Are you sure she really was?  I mean, you didn’t spend that much time together.  Do you think you wanted it to be more than it actually was?

Fauxsbian: Hm.  Anyway, you sound cute.  Maybe you’d want to meet up with me later?

Then we would end up having some seriously dirty phone sex and she’d feel a lot better.  Fine, we didn’t.  But these girls were basically lost and depressed and looking for any way to make themselves feel good.  And this is most likely what they do when they date you.  I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but I’m saying it happens.  I found that I could let these girls down a lot easier when I was honest with them, as opposed to ignoring the whole situation.

The real reason girls who aren’t gay pretend to be gay is to get guy’s attention, ultimately.  Girls who are actually gay won’t be as inclined to make out at the bar, or on the bar, because they’re not doing it for anyone else.  Fauxsbians are a tricky breed.  You want to hook up with them, and their friends, but it’s going to end up biting you in the ass because it’s not real.  Nothing wrong with experimentation, but when it goes beyond that point you know there’s something else going on. 

That said, there is nothing wrong with a little fun and a little faux-girl-on-girl action.  Hey, if you stick around enough, you’ll probably get laid.  Maybe even a three-way, and not the bad kind.  But take it from me, more often than not, the evening of frivolous fun ends up with two random girls locking themselves in your room and having sex in your bed while you sit in the hallway with a bag of chips.  Unless, of course, they let you watch…