The Flawless Wisdom of the All-Knowing Father, Part II
It’s not easy trying to raise two kids in an increasingly wicked, coarse and nasty world. Especially when you write for a smutty sports paper that’s doing its level best to increase the level of wickedness, coarseness and nastiness. Earlier this year I wrote about how I’m as clueless about rearing my young’uns as I’ve been about everything else in my life, so I’ve been getting by on trial and error (and more error). But I’ve been paying attention enough to have figured out a couple of things that I hope will be useful to the Heirs to My Dominion when they’re old enough to read smutty sports papers. These are a few more brilliant pearls of wisdom from my misspent life:
*You’re best off staying just behind the curve on the latest technology, like a racer drafting behind the leaders. Show me someone who bought an iPhone the day they came out and I’ll show you someone with a $600 DVD player that works just like the $30 job we’ve got in the family room.
*A guy never loves anything in this world quite the same way he loves his first sports hero. That’s why I keep collecting stuff of that goalie with the scars on his mask. Women don’t get it, which is why mom keeps treating my childhood iconography like the leg lamp from “Christmas Story.” Good luck explaining to your wives your middle-aged Brady and Papelbon obsessions.
*Alcohol will make you do stupid, careless, irresponsible, regrettable things. That’s the bad news. The good news it will make your buddies do stupid, regrettable things too, and you’ll spend the rest of your days making their lives miserable over it.
*Because another thing women don’t understand is that there is nothing else in life that gives a guy the pure, unfiltered joy he gets breaking another guy’s balls.
*That stupid “Cats in the Cradle” song and the hideous guilt trips it creates have ruined the lives of two generations of fathers. Sometimes I’m legitimately too busy to play with you, which doesn’t make me a bad father or mean you’ll grow up to be an unloving workaholic. Sometimes I’ve just got crap I have to do, period. Believe me, I’d prefer to spend all day playing Dinosaur Monopoly, but the gutters aren’t going to clean themselves.
*That country song “Live Like You Were Dying” is a nice sentiment and all, but life doesn’t work like that. If I lived today like it was my last, I’d wake up tomorrow filthy in a pile of Chinese food containers, hungover, broke, and Kati Cawley’s fiancée would be coming to kill me. And the gutters would still be clogged.
*Don’t let the public schools or your college make you hate your country. America is Manny Ramirez: rich, happy and fun, but also lazy, insane and prone to dumb, reckless errors. But there’s no one in history you’d rather see stepping up when the stakes are high.
*Let’s not rush through your childhood. I know you’re dying to watch “Slap Shot,” “Animal House” and “Caddyshack” with me. But right now I don’t want to have to explain why Lacy Underalls is banging Ty Webb and Danny Noonan both in a span of 12 hours. Let’s leave watching “300” to your buddies with the clueless parents and stick with “Star Wars” for now.
*Here’s an instructive tale with two morals. A buddy of mine used to manage a retail store. He went years without taking any time off. Every time he asked for it, they told him they needed him. Busy season. Holidays. Inventory…it was always something. Eventually they sold out to another company who shut the store down. When he asked what about all the time off he had coming to him, they said “Yeah, you lose that. And we feel really bad about it.” The morals of this story are:
1. Bosses are out for themselves only. No matter how nice they act, if they can build their career using your corpse as mortar to hold the bricks together, they will.
2. If you’re so valuable they can’t live without you for a day, you should be making Kevin Garnett money. F- them. Take a sick day and the place will still be standing when you get back.
*The other day I overheard this exchange between you guys: “I love you.” “I love you too.” “You’re the best brother in the world.” “You too.” If I accomplish nothing else in my life, which at the rate I’m going is a mortal lock, I’m satisfied with that alone.
*Sometimes walking away from a punch in the nose hurts a lot more than getting punched in the nose. I have to confess that I stole that word-for-word from Andy Griffith who said it to Opie. Because to be honest, most of what I know about raising kids I learned from sitcoms. But it’s good wisdom. To put it differently: Do you want to just die once, or die a thousand times?
*I doubt either of you will be tattoo guys. But if you’re going to get one that can’t be hidden by a short sleeve shirt, you might as well get one that says “I’ll never make it through this job interview.”
*A lot of stuff they tell you in school is BS. But they’re spot on with that stuff about staying away from drugs. Here’s something the D.A.R.E officer probably didn’t tell you. A while back at the local courthouse, a guy was coming down off heroin, waiting to go before the judge and he crapped his pants. Now, everyone has their vices and I’m not perfect, but if there was the remotest possibility I’d be pooping myself in the morning, another Bud Light would never pass my lips.
*I hope you go to church even when you’re old enough to make up your own mind. Most well adjusted people I know benefit a lot from church. (But watch your back. I’ll explain why when you’re older. For now, just trust me on that.) Still, religion makes some pretty outlandish claims, and I’ll respect it if you question things. But I can tell you God does exist. Stacy Keibler’s behind is all the proof I need.
*Though if God was all-powerful and all-benevolent, he would’ve saved me from watching “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot” on cable the other night.
*I hope you guys keep it up with one another. I’d like nothing more than to know you’re hanging out watching the NFL Draft for six hours like your Uncle Jack and me. ”A man that doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.” That’s from Vito Corleone, just to prove my sage advice extends beyond sitcoms.
*If you ever find yourself writing for a satirical, wiseassy sports newspaper and do a column that gets a good response, it’s perfectly acceptable to write a sequel when you're out of other ideas.