Fast Food 101

I’ve never been a fast food guy. It’s not because I’m watching my weight or am a health freak or anything like that. Nope, the reason I stopped eating fast food is because without fail it always made me feel like dog shit a couple hours after eating it. But lately I’ve been forced to get back into fast food because of my unorthodox Barstool Sports work schedule. I’m always in a rush and eating at weird times so I often have no choice but to settle on fast food. So after months of research here is my breakdown of fast food joints in Boston.

12. Arby's – Arby’s has the rare distinction of being the only chain on this list where the food doesn’t even taste good to begin with. Maybe that explains why there are only 6 of them left in MA and most of them are in the Western part of the state and have tumbleweeds blowing across the parking lot. In fact, I’d say the odds are better of spotting Bigfoot than driving past an active Arby’s. And because of this fact, they’ve totally given up on trying to impress the four people who eat there. They don’t clean the windows and they haven’t sunk a dime into renovations since the late 70’s. The bottom line is that if you do somehow encounter an active Arby’s location I’d highly recommend avoiding it at all costs. It’s not just that the food sucks, but there is a 50/50 chance it will go out of business while you’re still waiting for your food and you’ll just be stuck in there for the next decade or so.

11. Taco Bell – I tip my cap to anybody who eats Taco Bell. It’s not even a debate in my mind not to eat this stuff. I barely trust Casa Romero never mind Taco Bell. Maybe I’m biased against non American fast food, but the idea of Mexican fast food doesn’t sit well with me. Is it my imagination or does Taco Bell get shut down at least once a year for having faulty ingredients that make people sick? Also the fact that you can get a full blown meal for 37 cents raises some serious red flags for me. Even the little Chihuahua dog makes me nervous.

10. Pizza Hut - Pizza Hut is the king of the trick play. They’ll give you all sorts of gimmick pizzas. They have square pizzas, turkey pizzas, cheese crust pizzas, nine different pizzas on one pizza, and anything else that can distract you from the fact that their normal pizza sucks. It seems simple enough that before you start selling all these crazy concoctions, maybe you should concentrate on mastering the cheese pizza. Unfortunately this philosophy seems to be lost on the good people at Pizza Hut. As a result I feel like the only people who eat this stuff are 12 year old boys and the patrons of Chucky Cheese. As a side note, I feel like the interior of Pizza Huts rival Arby’s in terms of dankness and depression.

9. KFC – KFC may be my favorite tasting fast food out there. But I haven’t had it in years because I just can’t make the mental leap to eat it. There are just too many rumors floating around the Colonel for me to feel safe about it. A buddy of mine told me his aunt ate a piece of chicken and there was a dead rat in it. I have no idea if this is true or not but the story has scarred me. Also the First Lady claims the reason they changed their name from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC was because not all the chicken is made with chicken whatever the hell that means. Like I said, there are just too many rumors floating around about this place for me to feel good about it. It’s too bad because the biscuits and mashed potatoes are freaking great, but I’m not going to be the next sucker who eats the dead rat.

8. Burger King - If this fast food directory was a Beckets Book, Burger King would have a big up arrow next to it and it’s all because of the King. I’d say that Burger King’s newest advertising campaign is the best ad campaign since Wendy’s “Where’s the Beef?” And frankly, advertising plays a huge roll when I decide where to eat my fast food. If I see a company is spending millions on advertising it makes me think they are still spending money on fresh food and quality control. For example, when’s the last time you saw an Arby’s commercial? It wouldn’t surprise me if Arby’s hasn’t restocked their fridge in a couple years. However despite the athletic ability of the King, I’d still choose Wendy’s and McDonalds before it until BK can improve their soggy fries.

7. Subway – Subway is the nation’s fastest growing chain and they owe it all to Jared and his Subway diet that turned him from a fat guy to a skinny guy. As a result, Subway enjoys the reputation of being good for you. Despite the health benefits, I’ve never been a big Subway fan. I don’t like how they take their chicken out of plastic bags and nuke it for 2 minutes before serving it. I don’t doubt that lots of Subway subs aren’t that fattening but they also have no taste. I’m just not buying the hype with Subway yet. And who picked yellow and brown to be the colors of the franchise? You couldn’t pick two uglier colors.

6. Dominos – In my mind there is no excuse for anybody ever to be eating Dominos Pizza. If you’re eating Dominos pizza you’re just lazy. Anybody who says the reason they ordered it is because they love their pizza is lying. Nobody likes cardboard crust. Nobody. It’s a mystery to me how Dominos still does so well. There are pizza places on every block in this city. I know that I make it my first order of business whenever I move to a new apartment to scope out all the pizza joints. If everybody was as diligent as I was in their pizza research then we could stop Dominos from poisoning our streets with cardboard crust. Oh and for all those cheesy break freaks out there, I consider this nothing but a gimmick. I don’t order pizza for the bells and whistles. I order my pizza for my pizza.

5. McDonalds – McDonalds is still the biggest and baddest fast food chain in America. And for my money they still have the best French fries in the business. But the problem with all the McDonalds in Boston is that they’re all in crappy areas of the city. In fact this is a problem that plagues most fast food chains in our fair city. I’m a firm believer that fast food joints take on the persona of the neighborhood where they are located. Therefore, a hamburger from a McDonalds in the suburbs tastes better than a hamburger from a McDonalds in Downtown Crossing. Don’t ask me how it happens but the dirt and grime of Downtown Crossing somehow seeps into the food. Regardless you still always know what you’re going to get with McDonalds. The food is going to taste great and you’re going to sweating out grease in two hours. Although I will say that McDonalds has to give it a rest with their new coffee campaign. They could have Juan Valdez locked up in the closet grinding the beans himself and I still wouldn’t buy it. As a rule, you don’t buy coffee from fast food burger joints unless you’re trying to get salmonella from drinking your daily cup of Joe. As a side note who at McDonalds thinks Green Mountain is worth bragging about anyways? Isn’t that the same sh-t they serve at 7-11 and cheap office buildings where they won’t spring for the good stuff?

4. Boston Market - What happened to Boston Market? I feel like when Boston Market first hit the scene this was a place that I’d go to eat with my grandmother or something. It was a place you could go get a quick meal and feel good about yourself. But at some point they simply stopped trying. I think it had to be when McDonalds acquired them in 2000. Once the suits at McDonalds took over they brought with them their love of heat lamps, employees that don’t speak English and a blatant disregard for the customer. In other words they have turned Boston Market into the chicken equivalent of McDonalds. Also, Boston Market loses points in my book for the fact that they opened their first location in Newton and once they hit it big relocated the company headquarters to Golden, Colorado. I feel like if you’re not headquartered in MA then you shouldn’t be able to call yourself Boston Market anymore.

3. D’Angelos - I’ll take D’Angelos over Subway any day of the week and twice on Sundays. Again, it all boils down to the way they cook their chicken. I like how at D’Angelos I can see them cook it right in front of me whereas at Subway it comes from little plastic bags. In fact some may argue that D’Angelos isn’t really fast food because it takes 10-15 minutes for them to make your sub to begin with. Another reason I’m a fan of D’Angelos is because the manager at the one I go to takes his job very seriously and that gives me confidence in the whole operation. I want somebody who looks like they care behind the counter at my fast food joint. I don’t want a bunch of zit faced teenagers waiting on me and spitting in my food just to be punks.

2. Wendy’s- In my mind Wendy’s is the Rolls Royce of the fast food hamburger joints. I’m not sure why I feel this way, but I just think it is better for you than Burger King and McDonalds. Maybe it’s because they always seem to be advertising salads and baked potatoes in their commercials? Or maybe it’s because Dave seems more trustworthy than the King or Ronald McDonald? Whatever the case may be nobody can dispute that the Frosty is the single best item offered by any fast food joint anywhere. But with all great things the frosty does come with some drawbacks. My stomach generally has a hard enough time dealing with burgers and fries without throwing a frosty into the mix. And since I generally eat fast food when I’m doing my 10 hour paper route, the hamburger/frosty combo will usually put me in compromising positions. Therefore, my advice would be that whenever you do eat at Wendy’s make sure you have a map of where you can find some not gross facilities, which is easier said than done.

1. The Wrap (now called Boloco) – I love the Wrap. I’m not sure if this makes me a girl or not because I know there are always more girls inside than guys. But I don’t care if it does. I’m secure enough in my manhood to say that the Wrap is my favorite fast food joint in Boston. Some may argue that this doesn’t even count because all the locations close at 10pm which is uncharacteristic of a true fast food chain. But the bottom-line is that if you lined up all the fast food joints in America next to each other I’d choose the Wrap every time. In fact I’ve become such a big fan of the place that I’m beginning to think that I’m missing something with it. I’m starting to feel like Newman when he was eating the fat free yogurt that wasn’t really fat free. The Wrap is just tastes too good to be true. But if I’m wrong I don’t want to be right. Also I love the fact that the employees know what their doing at the Wrap. Any high school drop out can flip burgers but it takes a special type of minimum wage employee to make a wrap.

So there you have it. Barstool’s guide to fast food industry in Boston. I highly recommend that you refer to this cheat sheet the next time you’re looking for a quick meal. You’ll be happy you did when it’s all said and done.