Fake Red Sox Press Conference
Larry Lucchino: “Thank you all for coming. On behalf of myself, and the uh, the entire Red Sox organization, I wish to express how, ah…excited, we all are about the arrival of another, what we hope will be thrilling and uh, unforgettable season of Red Sox baseball.
“As you all know, this winter was particularly ah, ah…tumultuous, and had its share of uh…controversy. But nevertheless, we in the organization feel that we have come through this winter poised to once again meet our primary uh organizational objective, which is to compete for another World Series Championship.
“To that end, we’d like to uh, bring to your attention several initiatives that we, as an organization and as a ball club, are implementing, or uh, in some cases, continuing to implement, as we go forward.
“To begin with, with regards to media relations, from now on, on all matter of opinions, comments, and controversies with respect to the status of the team on the field, Theo Epstein will speak for the entire Red Sox organization. We are all in agreement that having one voice representing the ball club is in the best interest of all parties involved. So starting today and going forward, if anyone wishes to hear what myself, John Henry or Dr. Charles Steinberg thinks of the job Theo is doing, they’ll have to look for anonymous postings on sonsofsamhorn or for unnamed sources in Dan Shaughnessy columns.
“Furthermore, as we have discussed in the past, in uh, in order to remain ah, competitive in the American League in general and with our rivals in New York in particular, we need to be creative in finding what we refer to as, uh, “revenue streams.” To that end we have begun, or in some instances, uh, continued, several initiatives to ‘increase revenue’ or to put it differently, ‘make tons of money.’ Among them:
*Beginning immediately, we are charging a 10% surtax on every ticket we sell. We considered calling this a ‘Ticket Acquisition Fee‘ or ‘The Re-sing Big Papi Charge‘ or something, but we just decided to call it the ‘Because We Can Charge Whatever We Want and People Will Pay It Tax.’
*Additionally, we’ve added new premium seating in the observation deck at the top of the Prudential Building.
*We’re pleased to announce that we’ve added two rows of seats in front of the Dugout Boxes, which we call the ‘On Deck Boxes,’ where the fans will be seated closer to home plate than the on deck batter.
*We are once again holding the line, so to speak, on our lowest priced tickets. Fans in the Upper Bleacher seats will not see a ticket increase, but in order to purchase tickets, they will have to agree to carry food and drinks to the people in the On Deck Boxes.
*We’ve added a new VIP parking lot, where our luxury box guests can have their cars tended to by Ben Cherington and Jed Hoyer.
*Given the success we’ve had closing off Yawkey Way and parts of Landsdowne St. on game days, this season we’ll be blocking off an area from that extends from Boylston St. to Storrow Drive, and from Cleveland Circle to Columbian Square in South Weymouth.
*In order to make the Fenway experience more nostalgic for our fans, we’ve converted the entire park to pay toilets. A visit to the bathroom will cost anywhere from $1 in the bleachers, up to $100 in our ‘Executive Washroom,’ where season ticket holders will be able to use urinals filled with ice chips made from John Henry Williams.
*The ‘Dunkin Dugout,’ which provides tickets for disadvantaged kids, will be moved back slightly, to just the other side of Ipswich Street in order to make room for ‘Scoring Position,’ a new full-service brothel we’ve opened for the exclusive use of our corporate clients.
“But as you know, one of the things with which we‘ve been most proud, if you will, is the enormous success we‘ve had bring live music to Fenway Park. It’s been a tremendous thrill to share our love of music with the fans of Red Sox Nation. And of course, the catalyst behind it all, the man who deserves all the credit, our own ‘Big Papi’ if you will, is the man I’m happy to now bring to the podium, our own Dr. Charles Steinberg…”
Dr. Steinberg: “Thank you, Larry. You know, it’s been a wonderful thrill these last three years to not only bring our fans the excitement of championship baseball, but of legendary rock and roll music. From Bruce Springsteen to Jimmy Buffett to the Rolling Stones, we in the Red Sox family have been delighted to get together with our wonderful fans to begin a tradition of great concerts here at Fenway Park.
“And in that tradition, I’m proud and pleased to announce our spectacular night of music at America’s Most Beloved Ballpark. The Red Sox, in cooperation with ’Source’ magazine will present ’The Monsters of Hip-Hop Summer Def Jam.’
“We are thrilled to bring to the diehard fans of Red Sox Nation perhaps the finest line up of Urban Contemporary, Hip-Hop and Rap artists ever assembled: Ghostface Killah, Blackalicious, Dem Franchize Boyz, Livesavas, Fatlip, Chamillionaire, Shaggy 2 Dope of Insane Clown Posse, Bizzy Bone, Dilated Peoples with Little Brother, and the incomparable Ludacris...to name but a few.
“You know, I’ve known John Henry for years now, and I can tell you that he’s had two dreams in his professional life. One was to bring a World Series Championship to the people of Boston. The other is to put together the greatest all-day festival of hard core rap music the world has ever seen. I think I speak for Larry, myself and the entire Red Sox organization when I thank Mr. Henry for being the driving force behind the effort to make this concert a reality. John, will you come up?”
John Henry: “Thank you, Larry. Thank you, Dr. Steinberg. This past winter, I was at the gym hitting the free weights and listening to my iPod where I’d just loaded E-40’s new disc ‘My Ghetto Report Card.’ I‘m not sure which song it was, either ‘Sick Wid it II,’ or ‘Gimme Hoes,’ but regardless, I started to think that the time was right to bring to the Nation the kind of flava that I love so much; hard core gangsta rap.
“We see this night of Hip Hop music as an opportunity both to share our love of music with Red Sox Nation and also to make money off the young people who can no longer afford to see a baseball game. In the words of the great E-40:
‘Another night, rollin' like a playa do
Comin' through, gettin' my revenue
We ain't in love with no money, the money love us
Cross country with this pimpin' on a tour bus
Up in Florida or in Georgia
Bitches love us, they adore us
“Just make sure you bring change for the pay toilets. Peace out.”