Fake Peyton Manning Interview

This is a fake interview. Everything in it is 100% fake. We are answering the questions based on how we think Peyton Manning would answer them if he were given a truth serum. Repeat: This interview is FAKE.

As long time readers of Barstool Sports can attest, we aren’t the biggest Peyton Manning fans in the world. Truth be told, we’ve been ripping him endlessly for the past decade or so. Therefore, we’re eternally grateful that despite what we’ve said about him in the past he was still willing to sit down and do an interview with us as he embarks on yet another playoff run. Maybe everything everybody says about him being the nicest and most noble person in the world is true. There is only one way to find out, so without further ado here is our interview with Peyton Manning:

Barstool – First of all, Peyton let me thank you for sitting down with us. I’m sure you must be extremely busy preparing for the playoffs.

Peyton Manning – No problem. Doing interviews and keeping the media happy is almost as important to me as winning games so I’m glad to do it.

Barstool – Ok, let’s jump right into it. Everybody knows that you and the Colts have had your struggles in the post season. Now you are coming off yet another terrific regular season. Is this year going to be any different?

Peyton – I wish I knew the answer. Yes, I’d like to say that this year will be different. After all, for the first time ever we have home field advantage all the way through the playoffs and we finally have a defense, which means I don’t have to do it all by myself. But I’ll be honest, I just don’t know anymore. I mean how many times can I say the same thing over and over? Every year it is supposed to be our year and every year we get our ass kicked through our teeth. It just gets hard to continually convince people that we are finally going to get over the hump

Barstool – Why is it that you’ve struggled so much in the post season specifically with the Patriots?

Peyton – Our styles don’t match up well. What we have is a bunch of finesse guys. One of the reasons we play better at home is because none of our guys have to worry about getting dirt on our uniforms. The Patriots have a very physical and confident team. There is nothing that they do to us that is magical or mysterious. They simply punch us in the mouth and we fold like a tent. In reality we were built for touch football.

Barstool – Do you think that Bill Belichick owns you?

Peyton – No. Like I said there is nothing magical with what he does. And didn’t you see what we did to him earlier this season? They couldn’t stop us. It was like taking candy from a baby.

Barstool – Yeah, but to be fair 99% of the Patriots defense was on injured reserve. The Pats are playing much better lately and look like they are back in championship form. Did you watch the Pats vs. the Jags?

Peyton – I watched some of it. But after Willie McGinest got his 2nd sack my wife forced me to turn the game off. She thought that it would give me nightmares again. It makes sense. I want to be able to get sleep this week and I just stopped having the bad dreams about New England. But I asked my dad, Ron Jaworski and Tom Jackson whether we should be worried about the Pats and what they did to the Jags and they all said no. I believe them.

Barstool – Speaking of the guys in the media do you think you deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as Tom Brady?

Peyton – Same breath? Are you serious? How many League MVP awards does Brady have? How many TD passes did Brady throw last year? Listen, when Tom Brady wins his first Pro Bowl MVP come and talk to me. The MVP of the Hula Bowl goes to the best of the best.

Barstool – Well some may argue that Tom Brady has the better resume considering he already has won 3 Super Bowls and was voted the MVP of the Super Bowl twice and he’s never lost a playoff game. On the flip side some may argue that you’ve never won a big game in your life.

Peyton – We’ve already gone over this. I just told you that I led the AFC to a big Pro Bowl victory last year. And we beat the Pats in their backyard earlier this season. Where was Tom Brady then? I’ve won plenty of big games. My resume speaks for itself.

Barstool – Speaking of your resume is it true what Steve Spurrier said about the reason you came back for your senior year at Tennessee?

Peyton – What did the Old Ball Coach say?

Barstool – He said the reason you returned for your senior year is because you wanted to be the first 3-time MVP of the Citrus Bowl.

Peyton – Steve Spurrier can suck my dick. The reason I came back for my senior season is because I wanted to beat Florida just once in my college career. That’s the type of competitive fire that I bring to the table.

Barstool – How did that work out for you?

Peyton - It didn’t. I was 0-4 vs. Florida in my college career. But we managed to avoid going to the Citrus Bowl my senior year for the 97th straight time because Florida lost twice so we backed our way into the Orange Bowl. So like I said Steve Spurrier can suck my dick.

Barstool – Well the Orange Bowl is certainly a big game. How did you fare in that one?

Peyton – We got smoked by Nebraska. But the next year we finally put it all together. We not only beat Florida but we went undefeated and won the National Championship.

Barstool – But didn’t you already graduate by then? I thought your last game was the Orange Bowl in which you got smoked?

Peyton – Oh it was. Tee Martin was the QB of the team that finally beat Florida and won the National Championship.

Barstool – So let me get this straight; during your four year college career you went 0-4 vs. your arch rival Florida and got smoked in the only major bowl game you appeared in. Then the year after you graduated from Tennessee the Vols finally beats Florida and went on to win the National Championship with the great Tee Martin at the helm. How do you explain this?

Peyton – I’ve never really thought about it. I guess it’s just a weird coincidence. But I did get to lead the Tennessee Band in Old Rocky Top a few times. More importantly what the hell is going on with the tone of this interview? Don’t you know that I’m Peyton Manning? This means the media needs to kiss my ass.

Barstool – Sorry Peyton. We’re just trying to get an objective interview here, but I’ll admit that we aren’t typical media experts. Maybe you can recommend some guys that we should take notes from in how to interview you?

Peyton - Well all the guys at ESPN understand how to kiss my ass. In fact it’s a requirement that if you work there you must treat me like a demigod. You can’t even get in the door at ESPN if you don’t take a blood oath that says I’m the best QB of all time. And it’s understood that you should never talk about winning “big games” and Super Bowl titles when discussing how you judge a QB. Unfortunately you’ve disobeyed all these rules so far.

Barstool - Okay, let’s switch subjects then. I couldn’t help but notice that your brother Eli had a horrendous game vs. the Panthers on Sunday. Did you teach him the “Peyton Manning Face” to deal with playoff adversity? For those of you who aren’t familiar with the “Peyton Manning Face” this is when Peyton looks totally confused and pathetic after screwing up.

Peyton – Of course I taught him the Peyton Manning face. After all what are big brothers for? I also told him to shake his head, point fingers at people and spread his arms in disbelief when the shit hits the fan. I’ve got to be honest though. I can’t take credit for all these gestures and looks. My dad taught them to me from all his losing years in New Orleans. Some people say that my brother and I inherited the loser gene from him, but I don’t buy it. These are learned traits. I’ve had plenty of time to learn them all on my own.

Barstool – So you taught Eli the finger pointing routine huh? This brings up another question. Do you take any of the blame yourself for all your playoff/big game struggles?

Peyton – I’ve got to be honest, I really don’t. What am I supposed to do if the offensive line can’t give me 10 full seconds to throw the football? What am I supposed to do if Edgerin James isn’t running for 10 yards per carry? What am I supposed to do if the defense gives up more than 20 points? What am I supposed to do if the other team plays physical on defense? All of that stuff is beyond my control. I need everybody else to be awesome so I can do my job. Listen, I’m a pocket passer. I don’t excel at improvisation. I don’t move well in the pocket. Let me put it in terms that you Bostonians can understand. I’m like an exact clone of Drew Bledsoe. We’re both pocket passers who are unstoppable as long as you give us a great offensive line, a great running game and great weapons to work with.

Barstool – I’d say that’s a fair comparison, but I wanted to get back to Eli for a minute. Who do you think is uglier? You or him?

Peyton – No comment. And if you ask me another one of those questions I’m leaving.

Barstool – Fair enough. That was a low blow. I won’t ask any more unfair questions. But I do have to ask what is up with all those hand gestures that you do at the line of scrimmage?

Peyton – I’ll let you in on a little secret. They don’t mean a god damn thing. The only reason I do it is because the aforementioned media guys at ESPN and announcers everywhere seem to eat it up. It’s funny because the first time I did it I was actually swatting at a fly that got stuck in my face mask. But when I watched the highlight shows Sean Salisbury and Todd McShay talked for 30 straight minutes about how brilliant I was. Ever since then I just keep doing it and my legend just continues to grow.

Barstool – And the legend does continue to grow, but if your career ended today what would be the accomplishment that you’d be most proud of?

Peyton – Hula Bowl MVP for sure. The reason is because football is still primarily about winning. Deep down I know that. I just hope the media doesn’t catch on. The Pro Bowl is the only time I’ve ever won an award and combined it with my team actually winning.

Barstool –Ok, we’ll let you out of here with one last question. And remember you took a truth serum so you have to tell the truth. Who do you want to win the Pats vs. Broncos game?

Peyton – Obviously I’ll be rooting hard for Denver. I’m not an idiot. I know we stand no chance vs. the Pats.

Barstool - Well even if you do lose yet again to the Pats you can take solace in the fact that at least you are a good actor. No matter what anybody says about you on the field it’s tough to deny that your “cut that meat” commercials are pretty funny. Seeing as the sports casting is filled with actors and frauds, I’m sure you’d fit right in. Thanks again for taking time to sit down with the Stool.

This is a fake interview. Everything in it is 100% fake. We are answering the questions based on how we think Peyton Manning would answer them if he was given a truth serum. Repeat: This interview is FAKE.