Fake Lonie Paxton Interview

This is a fake interview. Everything in it is 100% fake. We are answering the questions based on how we think Lonie Paxton would answer them if he were given a truth serum. Repeat: This interview is FAKE.

1. For those people out there who don’t know who Lonie Paxton is how would you describe yourself?

I’m the long snapper for the New England Patriots and renowned man about town.

2. How much of your fame is due to the snow angel?

100%. Nobody would know who the hell I was if it weren’t for the snow angel. But sometimes you’ve got to step up and make plays and that’s what I did. I seized the moment. There are only two ways that anybody is going to know who the long snapper is and that is either by making snow angels or screwing up. I’ll choose the snow angels over the Trey Junkett documentary on ESPN any day of the week.

3. It’s well known that you’re everywhere in Boston. Do you make more money doing promotions than you do with your NFL contract?

I do pretty well. I’m not even sure how it happened to be honest. I guess the fact that I don’t really have to study film or do too much except snap the ball gives me lots of free time to promote stuff. Also I missed an entire year and was bored out of my mind so I figured it wouldn’t be too bad to whore myself out. I’ve got to be honest though that Josh Miller has me worried. He’s wiggled his way onto ESPN Radio and he is pretty good at it. I just hope he doesn’t try to muscle into my territory on the bar scene. Luckily he’s married and not so easy on the eyes so that should keep him away.

4. Speaking of money you made $540,000 last year. While that’s a ton of money for normal people, it’s almost nothing for a professional athlete. Is it hard to hang out with some of your teammates who make millions?

Sometimes. I just make sure that I buy my rounds early in the night when we’re still drinking beer and go to the bathroom when it’s time to buy the Cristal. Also, I stay away from playing cards or anything like that where the pot can be half my salary or something crazy like that. But overall, I just keep reminding myself that I make WAY more than 99.9 percent of the world. And I’m a freaking long snapper. It’s not like I’m out there getting my ass kicked every day. I think $540,000 to snap a football is actually a pretty good trade.

5. Okay, let’s talk about your social life. What percentage of nights would you say you successfully get laid?

97%.

6. Would you say that you get the most tail on the Pats?

I’m right near the top. Tim Dwight is actually pretty good with the ladies. And of course Tom Brady can snap his fingers from his apartment and have a line of girls at his door but thankfully he took himself out of the game with Bridget Moynihan. But to be honest I think I could nail her if I was given an hour in a room alone with her.

7. We assume that most girls don’t know who you are until you flash your super bowl ring. Do you think any big dude could get laid if he has a super bowl ring?

Absolutely. That’s one of the main reasons I’m glad we won the super bowl. The best thing about the ring is that other dudes can’t go around and pretend to be me. I always tell girls that if somebody says they play for the Pats demand to see the ring. It’s like your social security card or your finger print. Since nobody knows what I look like the best way for me to prove I’m me and deserve to get laid is to flash the bling. There are a ton of girls running around this city who think they slept with me but in reality it was "Murph" just pretending to be me. Listen ladies, if you want to make sure you got a piece of the real deal, demand to see the ring.

8. You’re a California guy; what’s the biggest difference between Boston and Cali?

Besides the weather it’s got to be the chicks. So many girls here look like they got whooped with the ugly stick. You really need to go out of your way to find pretty girls in Boston whereas in California they are falling out of the trees. That’s why I’m a big fan of the Stool. You guys are giving me a road map on where all the hot chicks work. The flip side is that in California girls would care less that I’m a long snapper, but here I might as well be the President of the United States.

9. Glad to hear that you’re a fan of Barstool Sports. What other publications or websites do you enjoy?

I’m a big fan of www.longsnap.com. This of course is the preeminent website dedicated exclusively to long snappers and the art of long snapping. It wouldn’t surprise me if this site gave ESPN.com a run for its money in a few years.

10. Barstool Sports prides itself on finding incriminating pictures of pro athletes with chicks. While we’ve seen tons of pictures with Red Sox guys we never see Pats photos. Why is that?

To be honest, I don’t understand how the Sox guys are so stupid in that regard. And it’s not like they learn from their mistakes either. I mean how many times do Kevin Millar, Keith Foulke and/or Bronson Arroyo pictures have to surface before they learn their lesson? Trust me when I say that ALL pro athletes get their fair share of tail, but you’ve got to be totally clueless to let chicks snap photos of you while you’re drunk in their dorm rooms. I’d think that the married guys would like to at least keep the illusion of not cheating on their wives but I guess not. Maybe because the Red Sox guys are bigger than life in Boston they think they can get away with anything?

11. You attended college at Sacramento State College. Is that a real school?

Yeah, it’s real. Granted we played 8 on 8 football, but they give out diplomas and everything. I was a dominant force there. The Big Sky conference still hasn’t seen an offensive line like the Hammerheads. The Hammerheads were the Big Sky version of the Hogs.

12. When I was doing the research on you for this article I went to the NFL.Com players’ page website and looked up your stats. Did you know that this page says there are “no stats available” on you?

I don’t know how this is possible. I recovered a big fumble on November 7th 2004 against St. Louis and I had a tackle in 2003. Look it up. As a side note I have been petitioning the league to give long snappers an assist on made field goals. It’s like a put out in baseball. It’s only fair.

13. There has been a lot of discussion on who is responsible for the Pats dynasty. What is your take on it?

Hmm, we’ve got so many great guys it’s hard to really single anybody out. But you’ve got to start with the fact that we have the best coach in football in Bill Belichick and the best QB in football in Tom Brady. The thing about Brady that makes him special is that he isn’t just a great player but all the guys love him. He isn’t like a Dan Marino or Peyton Manning who treats his teammates like 2nd class citizens. He’s the type of guy who everybody would take a bullet for and that’s huge. And the same can be said for our best players on our defensive side of the ball. Guys like Willie McGinest, Tedy Bruschi and Rodney Harrison aren’t just great players but they’re great leaders that care about winning more than individual statistics or accolades. These guys set the tone for the entire team. Combine this with the fact that Adam and I are flawless in our special teams execution and that’s how you win lots of games.

14. Despite the teams’ past success this year has been a little bit different so far. Do you think you guys have a chance to defend your crown?

As long as we have Coach Belichick and Brady we have a chance. But I’d be lying if I said we didn’t have serious question marks. Everybody always has said that the one guy we couldn’t lose is Tom Brady but so far it seems like Rodney Harrison is just as important. The defense has been horrible this year. Hopefully it’ll start to gel by the end of the season but nothing has happened that makes me think this is going to happen. I think the best we can hope for is that our defense will be at least average by the time the playoffs roll around. Hopefully Corey Dillon will be 100% healthy by then and we can win games with our offense. That’s our only chance.

15. What is the Active Force Foundation?

This is probably the best thing that’s come from my football career. Basically I was able to start a charity with a childhood buddy of mine that designs, engineers and donate a wide range of quality adaptive sports equipment to disabled individuals. This is an issue that is close to my heart because my friend got paralyzed from the waist down after a snowboarding accident. You can check it out at www.activeforce.org.

16. If you had one piece of advice for all the kids out there what would it be?

Learn how to long snap. It doesn’t take a ton of athletic ability and you can build a lucrative career out of it. Just look at me.