Fake Larry Lucchino Interview

This is a fake interview. Everything in it is 100% fake. We are answering the questions based on how we think Larry Lucchino would answer them if he was given a truth serum. Repeat: This interview is FAKE.

First of all, let me thank you for sitting down with the Stool. As I’m sure you know we haven’t been your biggest fans so we appreciate you taking the time to do an interview with us. We pride ourselves on being unbiased and ethical journalists so we want to give you a fair chance to tell your side of the story about why Theo left town. Red Sox Nation still has lots of questions on exactly what happened so lets get started.

Barstool - The common perception is that the reason Theo left wasn’t just money driven. Rather, Theo felt disrespected by the team’s initial offer and there was trust issue within the front office, specifically with you. Would you agree that the reason Theo left wasn’t all money driven?

Lucchino - Yes, I’d agree with that. After all, we did offer Theo $1.5 million per year so it couldn’t have been just the money. There is no doubt that Theo didn’t like the way we approached the negotiations with him from the beginning. But let’s be honest here-- Theo was lucky we offered him as much money as we did in the first place. The only reason we offered the kid so much was because we knew that we’d face tremendous public backlash if we didn’t retain his services. But that doesn’t mean either John Henry or I thought he was worth $1.5 million per year.

Barstool - I’m confused. If you didn’t think he was worth so much why did you offer him so much?

Lucchino - Because the public has an inflated opinion of how much he meant to the team. I had just as much input into every baseball decision as he did over the past two years but nobody knows that because we let Theo take all the credit. We wanted the kid to be taken seriously throughout the league and didn’t want people to know that I was holding his hand the entire time. We did such a good job convincing everybody that Theo had real power that he got all the credit for our success. Combine that with the fact that he is a local boy and we knew if we lost him we’d get killed in the press and we did.

Barstool - If you thought you could get Theo back would you try and get him?

Lucchino - No, because we have already dealt with the worst part of him leaving which was getting killed in the court of public opinion. The hard part is over now. I thought we were overpaying for him to begin with. But John Henry is afraid to walk across the street without looking both ways 9-times and didn’t want to stir the pot so he tried to keep him. No, I won’t try and get him back.

Barstool - John Henry has said to put all the blame on him for Theo leaving. Do you agree or disagree with Henry that he is to blame?

Lucchino - First of all, I’m not sure blame is the right word. Theo turned down a contract for $1.5 million a year. That would have made him one of the top paid GM’s in baseball. So I don’t think the organization is to blame at all. The reason Theo left town is because of Theo. He no longer wanted to be treated like a young GM even though he is one. We were still willing to feed his ego and say he was making all the decisions but we weren’t going to give him the keys to the kingdom and just look the other way. The result is that he threw a tantrum, put on his gorilla suit and left town.

Barstool - Speaking of the gorilla costume, what did you think that?

Lucchino - It was childish. But he’s only a kid so it’s to be expected.

Barstool - What role did you play in Theo leaving town?

Lucchino - Again I don’t think anybody in the front office is to blame. I sheltered Theo for the past 14-years of his life. I took him everywhere I went in MLB and gave him great jobs. He’s never had to really do anything on his own and that includes being the GM of the Red Sox. When he was hired a couple years ago, Gorilla Boy was under no delusions of grandeur. He knew that all decisions would be a group effort and I’d have final say. Anybody who thinks that Theo was hired with the intention of letting him run the baseball operations without any interference is on drugs. The fact that we had so much success for the past two seasons made him think that he was Superman. He let it get to his head. But at no point was the plan to have Theo running things all by himself after only 3-years into the job. He knew that when he was hired. After all, he just started shaving two weeks ago for god sakes. If I knew Boy Wonder would become so power hungry so quickly I never would have hired him in the first place.

Barstool - What do you feel about the way the media has portrayed you?

Lucchino - It’s horse crap. I don’t think I’ve heard one person mention the fact that Theo owes his whole career to me or the fact that I was more responsible for bringing a World Series here than him. Everybody seems to think Gorilla Boy is a genius. Let me tell you something-- I’ve lost more knowledge about baseball in my pinky than Theo has in his entire body.

Barstool - Did you leak that story to Dan Shaugnessy?

Lucchino - Hell yes. I was pissed at the way Theo handled the negotiations. He knew public opinion would be on his side and he used it to the hilt. Theo has no business making as much money as I do and he knows it. I almost passed out when John Henry made that offer to him and told him he didn’t have to consult me on baseball decisions. I wasn’t going to let this kid who owes his life to me push me around. So I called my bitch, Dan Shaugnessy, and had him write the article to let everybody know the score.

Barstool - How much did that story play into Theo leaving?

Lucchino - I think it played a lot into it and, frankly, I couldn’t have scripted it out any better. I’m glad he’s gone because it would have been a disaster working with him anyway. His head and ego has gotten way too big. This was the teacher giving the student one more valuable lesson.

Barstool - Do you think Theo will be successful at his next job?

Lucchino - It depends on how much money his owner is willing to spend. Right now Theo lives in a land of tooth fairies and unicorns. He thinks money grows on trees and there is no limit on spending. It will be a rude awakening for him at his next job when he doesn’t have the 2nd highest payroll in baseball. Also, let’s not forget that he was extremely lucky here. Do you think we would have won the World Series with ARod or Contreras?

Barstool - Does Theo hate you?

Lucchino - I don’t think he hates me. He’s like a teenager who is revolting against his parents and thinks he knows everything.

Barstool - Do you hate Theo?

Lucchino - I don’t hate him. He just got power hungry and made poor decisions. But I do hope he fails miserably in his next job and has to come crawling back to me.

Barstool - Do you think Theo is naive?

Lucchino - He’s extremely naïve. There are a million guys who could be GM’s of baseball teams. And most of them actually played high school baseball. He’s going to learn the hard way that it’s not so easy to build a winner without a huge payroll and support from more experienced front office personnel.

Barstool - What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned from this thing?

Lucchino - I’ve been around the block quite a bit but even I was surprised by how bad I got killed in the media. I guess the #1 thing I learned is never hire a local boy because it puts you in an unfair position.

Barstool – You’ve had some time to reflect on TheoGate. Can you believe he’s gone?

Lucchino - To be honest, I really can’t. I mean I worked with this kid for 14 years. In lots of ways, I viewed him as my protégé. I was the one who picked him out of hundreds of thousands of applicants to be my intern with the Orioles. I told people not to worry that he couldn’t even make his high school team. I took him under my wing-- he basically followed me wherever I have been for the past two decades. I’d given him every job he’s ever had in his adult life. I never imagined that last year would be our last year together.

Barstool – Well we appreciate you taking the time to visit with us Larry. I can’t say that we agree with everything you said and I do still kind of think that you’re a worm, but I’ve got to give you some credit for stepping up to the plate and meeting with us. Best of luck in the future.

As a reminder this was a FAKE INTERVIEW!