Everybody Has A Price

Just recently a Golf World survey said that 30% of men would give up sex for one year in exchange for a tee time at Augusta National. While there is no word on how much sex these respondents were having in the first place, this still proves what the Million Dollar Man always said and that is that “Everybody has a price.” The following article examines at what point El Presidente can be bought in a variety of activities. And the one clause with all these deals is that you can’t tell people you were paid for any of the following choices. So without further ado here are my breaking points:

1. No Sex for a year

Let’s start with the Golf World Survey question. There is no way in hell I’m giving up sex for a year in exchange for a tee time at Augusta National. In fact, I have a hard time believing that anybody having sex on a regular basis would make this swap. It’s going to take $100 grand for me to abstain. When you do the math on this it breaks down to $274.00 dollars per day. I’m confident that if I wrote this number on my hand I could keep it in my pants for a year.

Price - $100,000.00

2. Streak at Fenway

Everyone has debated this question at one point or another. How much would it take to sprint nude across Fenway Park until finally getting tackled somewhere in short right field? Heck, at one point in time I seriously considered writing barstoolsports.com on my back and making a run for it. And if NESN changes their policy about not showing streakers on TV I may still do it. I’d love to sit down with a former streaker and figure out exactly what happens post-tackle before I make my decision on this trade. But I’ve got to figure you’re getting fined and spending at least one night in jail for streaking. That seems worth about $15 grand.

Price - $15,000.00

3. Fight Mike Tyson in his Prime

I’m talking about stepping into the ring with Iron Mike right after he destroyed Michael Spinks. And you can’t take a dive or have the ref prematurely stop it like in the Hurricane Peter McNeeley fight. (Insert McNeely quote – “If you don’t respect me and what I’m doing here you got a big dump in your pants”) Nope, you’ve got to fight him straight up. The problem with this proposition is that there is a death factor involved. I’m thinking if Tyson catches you clean he could kill you. I’d need at least $160 grand to fight Tyson in his prime. I’m thinking 10 grand would go to medical bills. The benefit of this proposition is that if you do live you can always have this story in your back pocket at parties. It’s tough to beat a story that begins with “remember that time I fought Tyson…”

Price - $160,000.00

4. Live my entire life on the South Shore

Right now El Presidente is stuck on the South Shore. For somebody who grew up on the North Shore this isn’t a good thing. I can’t imagine having to deal with 93 South and Weymouth cops the rest of my life. I get the Willies every time I turn onto Route 3. A good restaurant on the South Shore is Wendy’s. I’d need $750,000 to stay on the South Shore for the rest of my life. I’m thinking I could buy a nice house out here in the sticks and never have to worry about mortgage payments. That would be too sweet of a deal to turn down.

Price - $750,000.00

5. Stop using DVR for a year

Hmm, this is a tough one. DVR (or TiVo) is one of those things that once you have it, you don’t know how you ever lived without it. It may be the greatest invention in the past 20 years. I’m not even sure the Stool could exist without it. How else could we maintain our cutting edge commentary on shows like Dancing with the Stars, The Gauntlet and American Idol? I know this may be steep but it would take $15 grand for me to stop using DVR for a year. And frankly I’m not sure I’d survive. I may not even make it one week. The one thing I do have working in my favor is that Adelphia’s DVR sucks so it would be easier to live without it than Comcast’s DVR system.

Price - $15,000.00

6. Only go out to the Euro Clubs like Aria and Rumor etc for a year.

I guess this prop could also read how much it would take for me not to go out at night because if I were limited to the Euro clubs I probably wouldn’t become a Boston nightlife mogul. The problem I have with these places isn’t only that I can’t afford more than two drinks, but I hate techno dancing and dealing with people who think they’re way more important than they are. Other than that euro clubs rule. But I guess if somebody paid me $50 grand to go to these places, I could act like a big wheel at the cracker factory and pick up some smoking euro chicks that are easily impressed by the euro dollar and guys who dress in all black.

Price - $50,000.00

7. Give up coffee for a year

Nobody is more addicted to coffee than me. I throw down great ones like I’m doing shots of water. It’s gotten to the point where if I don’t have a gallon of coffee within an hour of waking up I fall right back asleep. I also love the routine of it. I can’t really get into the work day without coffee. But I’m convinced if I quit drinking coffee for just two weeks I wouldn’t need it anymore. Therefore, it would only take $3 grand or so for me to give it up.

Price - $3,000.00

8. Get caught on Dateline NBC being a child predator

I don’t know how many people have seen this show on Dateline NBC. Essentially Dateline has undercover moles pose as little boys and girls online who engage child predators in cyber sex. The Dateline NBC moles then set up a rendezvous point where the sexual predator thinks he is going to have sex with the child. So when the perverts show up at the girl’s house Dateline NBC is waiting there to expose them. Not only does the entire country get to see their shame, but they get arrested after leaving the sting operation. Now this prop has nothing to do with actually being a sexual predator. It is simply about how much it would take for you to fake it and have everybody in the country think you’re a pervert. This is definitely the most expensive prop on the board. I’d need $5 million to make this happen. I think you’re set for life with 5 million and you’re going to need every penny of it because you’re never going to get a job with sexual predator on your resume. Also, you just know that everywhere you go for the rest of you’re life somebody is going to recognize you as the pervert from Dateline NBC who tried to sleep with the 12 year old girl and brought her Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Price – $5 Million

9. Watch No Sports for a year

Wow, this is a tough one. First of all it would be tough to run Barstool Sports without being able to watch sports. And I’d probably lose all my friends and acquaintances since I run out of things to talk about roughly 2 seconds after exhausting all sports related subjects. I could definitely live without watching the Celts and Bruins because I don’t watch them too much anyway, but the Sox and Pats would be a problem. And what would I do during March Madness? The only way I could survive this would be if I took vacations to the Caribbean during all major sporting events. I’m thinking it would take $75 grand to make this trade happen. And this is another one where I could see myself breaking down before completing the full year.

Price - $75,000.00

10. Sex with a disgusting chick

It doesn’t matter what your definition of a disgusting chick is you’d have to sleep with a girl who makes you nauseous. And like with all the props in this article you’d have to be 100% sober when you did it. Also, we’re talking a solid half an hour of foreplay here. $5 grand seems like a reasonable price for an hour of misery. However, just like in a competitive eating contest, if you suffer a reversal of fortune you’re automatically eliminated and don’t get the cash.

Price – $5,000.00

11. Drink only foofy drinks for the rest of your life

We’re talking White Zinfandels, Cosmos and Zima’s for the rest of your life. The hardest part of this proposition isn’t the taste factor, but the image factor. You’re basically guaranteed to embarrass yourself in every social situation conceivable. After all, it’s tough to be taken seriously at a business dinner when you order a White Zinfandel with your steak. It’s tough to make friends at poker night when you’re drinking a Cosmo. And most importantly, it’s tough to pick up chicks while drinking a Zima. The only way you could overcome this disability is by constantly getting in fights and beating people up. You’d have to develop your own version of the Napoleon Complex. Since I’m a lover and not a fighter it would take $175 grand for me to be stuck with foofy drinks my entire life.

Price - $175,000.00

12. No Cell Phone for a year

I use my cell phone as much as the next guy but I’m not one of those people that simply couldn’t live without it. In fact I think there would be a certain degree of coolness to not having one. I’d play it off like I’m too important to allow people to constantly be calling me and knowing where I am. I’m the type of guy who will contact you when I’m ready and on my own terms. That’s not saying there wouldn’t be any downside. Since my Astrovan tends to break down once every few weeks the likelihood of me getting stranded somewhere would increase tenfold. But if somebody paid me $5 grand I’d gladly toss it away for a year.

Price - $5,000.00

13. Cold Call for the rest of your life

Cold calling sucks. Everybody in sales needs to cold call in the beginning of their miserable sales careers. The only way to survive it is by telling yourself that it’s a stepping stone for something else. But what if there was no light at the end of the tunnel? What if sitting in a cube and dialing for dollars was the only thing you’d ever do for the rest of your life and you knew it? There is nothing worse than waking up every day and hating what you do. Being doomed to a life of cold calling is probably the worst fate imaginable. I’d need $15 million dollars to make this trade. The reason it’s so much is because I’d need to have enough money to live like a rock star every weekend. It’s the only way I could survive the week without hanging myself.

Price – $15 Million

14. Only take Public transportation to get around for a year

I’m not sure I could really fathom how bad this would be until I did it. I’m sure some Stoolies are sitting there reading this, thinking I’m a snob because they already use public transportation for all their travel needs. But I’m sorry I can’t do it. I despise the T. I despise the buses. I hate the subhuman air quality of the T stations like Kenmore Square and Davis Square. I hate how the T conductors yell at you to make more room in the middle of the car when there is nowhere to go. I hate the idiots who have huge book bags and try to get off the subway 5 minutes before the train arrives at their stop. I just despise public transportation. You’d have to pay me $45,000 to subject myself to it for a year and I’m not even sure that would be enough. It may kill me.

Price - $45,000.00

15. Being Virgil for a year

We started this article with the Million Dollar Man and we’re going to end it with the Million Dollar Man. Or at least his with his old friend, Virgil. The photo that accompanies this article shows poor Virgil at an autograph signing where he doesn’t seem to have one person interested in his John Hancock. So the question is how much would it take for you to switch lives with Virgil for a year?

Price - Never