ENOUGH!
Things That Need To Stop: Part 1
Since I started here at Barstool Sports, ever column I have written for the paper has been sports related. Well as we reside in the dull portion of our sporting summer, with the Sox dominating, the hot dog eating contest behind us, I’ve decided to observe the world around us and write something about how wondrous life is. Instead, I’ve noticed a bunch of things that are real disturbing and making life worse for everyone. Here is the first of what could be a series of pleas to mankind that we may grow as a people and eliminate these things that need to stop:
No More: Cheering when an opponent hits a home run into the monsters seats:
Hey, you got your self some seats above the Green Monster, good for you! You dropped $250 or some crazy price for an obstructed view seat that might get you a home run ball, even if it kills you…Way to go! That’s still no excuse for your behavior when a member of the Devil Rays smacks a fastball into the 3rd row of what used to be netting above the dented wall. There you are. You’ve narrowly avoided death by not allowing the screaming liner to take your head off and to celebrate that fact you grab the ball, do a dance and start giving high-fives to anyone who looks your way. Well dickhead, did you happen to notice that because of that homer we are now trailing? Oh no, of course not. You don’t give a shit about the Sox, you got a homerun ball from a life long minor-leaguer that Tampa just called up last week. Thanks for making the rest of us fans look like a bunch of douchebags.
No More: McDonalds serving lunch at 11 a.m. sharp
First, I should say, I’m not much of a breakfast person. Don’t like eggs, don’t like coffee. And for some reason it’s not socially acceptable to have a hamburger on a bun at 10:30 a.m. but you can have a sausage on a bagel. So I often end up at a McDonald’s during a road trip with friends, back from Saco, Maine or Cape Cod or wherever, and when we make our stop at the golden arches, there I am waiting for the breakfast shift to end and lunch to begin. Tick, tock, tick, tock. No burgers before that clock hits 11 a.m. I stand there, twiddling my thumbs, staring down the pimple faced teen that refuses to grab a patty out of the freezer, throw it in the microwave and nuke me a burger before the magic clock strikes 11…Enough. Overlap lunch to 10:30 or 10:45, I can’t take it any more. As I once asked a McDonald’s manager, “You realize you’re insane, don’t you?”
No More: Hand to hand contact
One of the more creepy things to happen this past week was when I was in a Store 24, making a purchase. I put my items on the counter, realize I’m short of cash and hand the guy behind the counter my credit card. Only, he doesn’t just grab it and go, he grabs it and a part of my hand with his nasty mit. I was a little taken aback, not sure what just happened, but tried to brush it off. The second time was no accident. I go for my receipt and card and he’s got it clutched so tight that I had to touch his hand to get my card back. I gotta tell you, I felt a little abused. Not quite to the point of seeking psychological advice, but it’s not that far off either. So from now on I’m in the Mike Felger camp. No more hand to hand contact between men. Hand shakes are okay only if completely necessary and between friends. Otherwise, ain’t gonna happen.
No More: Letting me get a ticket because you didn’t flash your lights when you passed a speed trap
Come on people, we’re all on the same team here! Everyone who drives a car should know that when you see a speed trap, you flash your lights at on coming traffic as a warning. It’s not that hard. If we all work together we can cut speeding tickets IN HALF (statistic is not based on any scientific information). The only little suggestion I have is that we come up with a distance of how long we have to do this for. If you see a speed trap, you should have to warn at least the next 5 cars or every car for the next mile. I can just see a Larry David episode on this, where he doesn’t do it to Jeff’s wife and gets called an ass hole, then does it to the next car he sees and it’s an under cover cop.
No More: Shirts and skins basketball
You see it everywhere there is playground court set up: 10 guys, some without shirts, playing a little basketball. It’s got to stop. Why do these guys feel the need to take their shirts off? Maybe it’s because I’ve never been blessed with a star athlete’s body, but I just don’t see the appeal for anyone. Even worse is when you have to guard the guy with no shirt. He’s sweating like Patrick Ewing, sometimes with a sweater on (hairy chest and back) and suddenly you’re re-enacting that Ben Stiller scene from Along Came Polly. I don’t want to hand check your wet back or deal with your BO covered pit in my face. I can’t even deal with taking money back from the clerk at Store 24. Just keep you’re shirt on, okay. You’re not in the NBA so don’t give me that “shirts are too constricting on my jump shot” shit.
If you’ve got a problem with society you’d like to share, email it to me at UB@barstoolsports.com and maybe I’ll mention it in Part 2.