Enemy Perspective

By now, you’ve probably read twenty different articles on how and why A-Rod is having the best April of all time.

The beat writers and columnists have their theories: he’s fixed his swing; he’s living in a carefree land of mental lollipops and sugarplums; he’s finally at ease with himself. They’ll tell you he’s in a contract year, and imply that A-Rod’s simply all about money.

Instead of all this speculation, how about I tell you what Alex is telling New York:

Fuck. You.

That’s what it is. A-Rod is delivering a cataclysmic “Up Yours” to New York. He’s hopping on Zed’s Chopper and screwing Yankees fans like no fan base has ever been screwed. Alex is having his way with us. (Not to mention me personally for passing on him in the 5^th spot of my fantasy draft in favor of Carl Crawford.)

This is a fuck job on an historic level, on par with some of the greats: Vince tanking in Toronto; the Colts pulling out of Baltimore; Locke blowing up the sub on Jack.

The only thing that makes this one different?

He’s not doing it on purpose. In fact, he may not even realize he’s doing it. He thinks he’s helping the Yankees. And for this season, he is. But what happens next?

As you probably know, A-Rod has an opt-out clause in his contract after this year. He can pass up the remaining $81 million over three years (note: wow) and put himself on the market. It’s widely believed that he will easily get more—and that was before he began what is going to be the best season by a baseball player ever.

(Unlike everyone else, I don’t think he’ll cool off entirely. More on that in a moment, but let me wrap up this whole “Deer Hunter” theory.)

See, for a guy who is as big and strong as Alex is, he’s also a mental midget. He’s easily manipulated by people around him, be they his agent, his wife, or the press. He’s pretty much incapable of making decisions for himself at this point—his head is as crowded as a bar in Southie on St. Patty’s Day.

I can’t tell you why he’s relaxed this year. Unlike those pundits, I won’t speculate. But it’s clear he is, and it’s also clear his swing is different. If you want more on those, read a respectable, antiquated publication like Sports Illustrated.

What Alex doesn’t realize is that he’s screwing the New York fan base with every record-setting home run, every league-leading RBI, every walk-off. Why is this?

Because he’s going to have the best year ever, and then he’s going to shove that in the Yankees’ face and walk out the door. He won’t do it himself, and he won’t do it intentionally: his agent, the highly-respected (cough) Scott Boras, will do it for him. A-Rod doesn’t have a say in this, because A-Rod—at least mentally—is a little bitch. We’ve seen it in NY for the past few years, and really, I see no reason to believe that he’s suddenly a mental Gibraltar because he can put bad at bats behind him.

A-Rod says he wants to stay in New York, and I believe him. Boras will talk him into testing the free agent market—or doing something that would bury any good will this season will earn him: holding the Yankees hostage for a new, more expensive, extended contract. (Because $200 million can only buy you so many bottles of Driven.)

I don’t hold it against A-Rod the same way you can’t hold it against a monkey when he hurls his shit at you through the bars at the zoo. The poor thing just doesn’t know any better. (The “Don Imus Disclaimer” on that joke: It was about stupidity, not about A-Rod being a person with a dark skin tone.)

I don’t think the Yankees will renegotiate, so he’ll get another $200 mil contract from a Chicago team or Anaheim and proceed to shatter the record books while dropping turds on the Yankees every season. And Yankee fans will just remember how he went 1 for 14 in last year’s playoffs, and how he burned us the next season by channeling Lou Gehrig and The Babe and then jumping ship. Just like an ex-girlfriend, we’ll think: were we to hard on him? Did we drive him away? Yeah, we probably did, even if we didn’t mean it and maybe, just maybe, he didn’t deserve it.

To beat the girlfriend analogy into the ground, there’s only one way Yanks fans and A-Rod can have a clean break: if he tanks in the playoffs again. If the Yankees make the playoffs (let’s be honest—it’s April and a 3-game sweep isn’t going to hold up) A-Rod will feel something he won’t feel all year: pressure.

The playoffs don’t have anything to do with next year or contracts, even if you can pull a Beltrán and get yourself overpaid with one good October. The playoffs, more in New York than anywhere, are about one thing: making history. And above all else, A-Rod wants to make history. Whether it’s a monster contract, breaking records, postseason wins, or memorable fuck jobs, Alex—above all else—wants to be remembered as the best ever.

Unfortunately he doesn’t have the mental toughness for the playoffs. Or, if I can translate to baseball terms: I’ll believe it when I see it. When he doesn’t come through, Yanks fans will have only one thought: good riddance.

To go back to an earlier point, I believe he will have the greatest season ever. I’ve seen just about every Yankees game this year so far, but it became obvious to me that he’s not going to cool off as much as everyone thinks because of what I saw in a two-game span: the Sunday Night Game against Dice-K and the Monday game against the Rays the next day.

In case you didn’t notice, Dice-K owned Alex. Dice gave every team the blueprint for how to handle A-Rod: get in his head early (Dice-K plunked him), and then bust him low and away with the breaking stuff. Despite a later lucky single when he was busted back inside, A-Rod was awful. He couldn’t lay off the outside junk.

Last year, that would have sent A-Rod into a two-month slump requiring 20 different therapists and a ton of acupuncture. Not this year. The next night A-Rod hit not one, but two bombs into the seats in Tampa. Strangely, he’s learned how to put things behind him. One pitch in Tampa was an inside mistake, but the other? A breaking ball over the outside corner. Maybe it wasn’t as low as it should have been, but Alex from last year doesn’t hit that pitch. He’s frozen at the plate with his purple lips pursed. This year? He’s rounding the bases.

I don’t think he’ll cool off, but also—let’s be realistic—he won’t be hitting 100 home runs. There’s a possibility he could make a run at Barry’s record if Giambi gives him the protection he’s been providing so far this season. I’m not convinced it will translate to the playoffs, but I think you can put the regular-season MVP in the bag now.

Of course, I’ll try to enjoy his historic season, and when I see him win that award at the end of the year, I’ll try not to think about the prison shower treatment that Alex will give to all of us Yankee fans this off-season.

Then again, maybe he’ll end up on the Red Sox, and you guys can deal with his 1 for 14 in October.