Dream Job
About two years ago, ESPN aired the game-show Dream Job on which contestants competed for the opportunity to become an anchor on SportsCenter. I honestly have no idea who won but I’m pretty sure they changed the format the following season to showcase former NBA “stars” competing for the chance to be an analyst on one of their seldom-watched NBA focused shows. Needless to say, as the NFL Draft approaches, it has become apparent that the execs at ESPN really missed the mark on identifying the true “dream job” available at their station. Lets face it, Mel Kiper Jr. is the luckiest man on earth and second place really isn’t that close.
Mel Kiper Jr. has somehow developed an entire career out of the NFL draft. It is really quite genius and I will wholeheartedly admit that I am jealous of his racket. He attests to no formal skill in playing, analyzing, or even enjoying professional football. However, despite this apparent handicap he has now become the country’s foremost expert on the NFL Draft. By my count he developed at least one thousand different mock drafts for this year’s event which not only guaranteed himself unlimited airtime on ESPN, but also ensured that at least some of his predictions would be proven correct, and therefore he will be over-utilized again next year.
Please don’t get me wrong, Mel Kiper annoys me to no end. I hate seeing him on television. I hate his voice. I hate his condescending tone. And most of all, I hate his hair. As a side note, I don’t think anyone has any idea what he’s doing with that hairstyle, but I would guess that it plays a large role in his ability to hypnotize ESPN into thinking he has some sort of talent. However, I do respect the fact that he has cultivated a position which is absolutely perfect in my opinion. Big Mel’s entire job is based on one weekend of activity and somehow he ends up on SportsCenter for at least a month prior to the actual event. He also makes random cameos during the year in which he evaluates such lackluster events as the NFL combine, the Senior Bowl, and random conversations regarding bowl games and the Heisman Trophy.
This year, Mel became a part of ESPN’s ad campaign for their new Mobile ESPN network available on some mobile phone systems. He also participated in the most annoying segment ever recorded in SportsCenter history in which he, Tom Jackson, and Stuart Scott pretend they are in the “War Room” of various NFL franchises and determine what picks the team might make. The only redeeming value of this segment was the poor acting job performed by all three parties as they attempted to illustrate the “drama and stress” of actual NFL “War Rooms”. But honestly folks, I just don’t think anybody cares who the Arizona Cardinals are thinking about picking in the first five rounds of the draft because we all know they are going to suck anyways and we really don’t need to waste fifteen minutes of our evenings watching people overanalyze that fact.
The true genius of Big Mel and his “Dream Job” is that no one evaluates how effective he is in generating his multiple “mock drafts”. Mel can say whatever he wants, and as long as he looks serious, styles his hair in his trademark fashion, and talks down to anyone who contradicts him, he will return next year to perform the same function. I have never read, watched, or heard anyone evaluate the effectiveness of his evaluations. No one ever looks at a busted draft pick and blames Mel for ranking him so high and no one really even talks poorly of him when he is wrong in identifying who the top ten picks will actually be. Big Mel cannot be wrong and that is why this is truly a dream job.
So as we say goodbye to yet another NFL Draft, Mel Kiper once again fades off into the sunset until next year. And while GM’s and head coaches across the NFL will live and die with their new rookies, Big Mel remains untouchable. He will return next year like a draft god sent from the heavens regardless of how his predictions turned out this year. If ESPN auctions his job off for the sake of reality television, I can honestly say that I would travel long and far for a piece of that action.