Dissolving

I am always really happy for people when they acquire a significant other.  After all, it’s someone to share good times and bad with, someone to laugh with, and someone to help you remember where your apartment is after a night of too much fun.  Being in a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, and make things even better, so why wouldn’t that be a good thing?  And personally, I like meeting people’s new boyfriends and girlfriends because I’m so mean and lazy it’s a good way to gain a new friend that you’re pretty sure doesn’t suck without having to do any of the work.  And we all also know that any newbie significant other worth their salt is going to do their damnedest to impress the friends and loved ones of their darling f*ckbuddy, so you definitely benefit there.

That said, it seems like a lot of people find a relationship that works (or are desperate and sort of hang on anyone who is around at the time) and suddenly, you don’t have two separate people, you have this weird, sort-of-annoying meld that cannot form a single thought or have a single independent opinion without consulting the other.  Basically, they’ve dissolved.  According to experts, the legal definition of dissolving is this: the act of two adults of moderately sound mind and body who, for no good reason, think its important to act as one and bug all of their friends by only caring about being a couple.  Seriously.  I saw it on the news.

You will be able to tell if a couple is afflicted with dissolving by these classic symptoms: overt PDA (including but not limited to fat tongue make-outs, use of pet names in mixed company, etc.), the inability of one member of said couple to make any decisions without input from other member, and the slow, deliberate deterioration of each member’s personal life outside of said couple.  Though dissolving isn’t contagious, people who are exposed to the dissolved couple may experience nausea, vomiting, and can suddenly fall ill with various tropical diseases when invited out socially with the dissolved couple in order to avoid hanging out with them.

Sadly, there is no cure for dissolving, no support groups, not even a telethon to raise money for awareness.  It’s a silent social killer, and the saddest part is, those afflicted rarely know they are suffering.  They are too busy memorizing their girlfriend’s junior high class schedule and thinking up ways to bring up their boyfriend in conversation, regardless of whether or not it applies to the topic at hand, and converting their Facebook page into an Internet shrine to their “true love”. 

So what should you do when your loved ones begin showing early stages of dissolving?  To be honest, I think you all know that really isn’t much you can do outside of watching and waiting for the inevitable invitation to an alcohol-free Sunday brunch and expecting an extra guest of the female persuasion at a guys-only football gathering.  It’s a heartbreaking thing to watch, but confronting a couple about the dissolving only makes you the bad guy, and will pretty much end any friendship you have there, even if you do only see your friend when his or her boyfriend or girlfriend is out of state on important business.  Because it’s never something social, they don’t have any friends, remember? 

If you have one of the rare cases of dissolving where you are aware that things are changing, that suddenly “I” has been replaced with “we” and you realize you no longer have a life, rather, you are merely an extension of your significant other, there’s still time.  You still can be a normal couple who people want to be around, but it will take hard work.  Luckily, your friends will probably be so excited that you’re coming out of your insanity that they will forget any number of cancelled plans and the times that you spent making them look at pictures of your girlfriend some idiot holiday sweater, and eventually, things will be okay.  But as I said, this is a rarity, and friends of couples who are dissolving should always expect the worst.  However, it may help to know this: you are not alone.  Everyone has friends like these and everyone’s been through it.  So lean on your friends, cherish the times you had with your poor, dissolved friend, and you can hold the hope that maybe, someday, they’ll break up.  What!?