DiCaprio- Enemy of Men Everywhere

Damn you, Leonardo. You couldn't just live with your millions of dollars, unnaturally, freakishly beautiful girlfriend and worldwide fame. Sitting courtside at Lakers' games with David Blaine and Tobey Maguire, heartily pretending that you understood anything that was happening on the court, wasn't enough. Lounging around with Giselle Bundchen, capo di tutti capi of all smoking, hot Brazilian supermodels, at your seaside Malibu manse wasn't enough. You selfish bastard. You've screwed over all of mankind.

I don't care who dumped whom between Leo and Giselle. In fact, until I discovered (through the appropriate feminine channels) who Leo has apparently latched onto since his separation from Giselle, I hadn't given Luke Brower a second thought in years.

Guys, Leo has sucker punched all of us. Every man in America is a little less safe than he was only a day earlier because of DiCaprio's thoughtless actions. How in the name of God does someone go from dating Giselle Bundchen, a wrist-numbing sex goddess, to dating Kirsten Dunst, a before photo still waiting for her glamorous after picture?

I never thought that I would be writing an article about Leonardo DiCaprio in the hallowed annals of Barstool Sports but his unconscionable act of male treachery is too grave not to discuss. There is an order in this world and that order dictates that for the most part, similarly attractive people end up with other similarly attractive people. Sure, there are exceptions to this rule but those exceptions are almost always the result of the enthralling haze of drugs or money. Neither is a good enough excuse in this case.

Guys like Leonardo DiCaprio are not supposed to date girls like Kirsten Dunst. Hey, Leo can throw down with anyone he likes and I'm sure that everyone from Mary Kate & Ashley to Lindsey to Tara to Estelle Getty has taken a ride in his earth-saving Prius. But Leo is at the top of the food chain. It's basically him, Brad Pitt and Tom Brady. They are the lions, the great whites, the tyrannosaurus rexes and they mate with other members of their species- Giselle, Angelina Jolie, Bridget Moynahan. Tom Brady isn't suddenly going to dump Moynahan and start dating a girl he met at the Big Easy. It's like a gorilla and a cocker-spaniel trying to mate- it just doesn't happen.

And it works well for the rest of us because we don't have to worry about Leo showing up at Tequila Rain or the Liquor Store or the Roxy or the Kells or the Glass Slipper on some random Saturday night and dominating the room. Nope, that's our habitat. That's where we do our hunting. And more importantly, we don't have to spend time trying to convince the female members of our species (normalus bostonianus) that they shouldn't be holding out hope waiting for Brad Pitt to stumble into the Hong Kong for a couple of scorpion bowls.
DiCaprio has destroyed the delicate balance of the male-female ecosystem. To quote Shawshank- "Hope is a dangerous thing." The last thing you want the other side to have is hope. Guys want desperation. Guys want need. Guys want hopelessness. In one fell swoop, DiCaprio has given every woman in America hope. Hope that they really can play up a level. Hope that their stint in the minors with you is going to land them that shot at the majors somewhere down the road. Hope that all they have to do is bide their time and eventually they'll run into Brady coming out of The Grey-Wool-Winter-Hat-For-Everyday-Use Store. DiCaprio has damned us all.

All those lists that you made with your wife, fiancé or girlfriend about what celebrities you would be allowed to sleep with if the opportunity ever presented itself- DiCaprio has basically guaranteed that your significant other is actively plotting how she's going to bump into Jack from "Lost," Orlando Bloom, Ben Wallace and Joaquin Phoenix during her upcoming business trip to White Plains. My fiancé suddenly has to go to Indiana for "work." I expect that she'll be on the set of 24 to seduce Jack Bauer by this time next week.

Left to her own devices, Bundchen did the responsible thing and gravitated towards a close relative of her species- Josh Hartnett, the dim-witted, strong-jawed actor from…some movies that I'm sure a ton of 13-year old girls went to see. Makes sense. If she had suddenly started dating Dustin Diamond, I would have been on the next plane to Rio, along with every other guy in the world. The earth's axis would have actually tilted due to the sudden population explosion in Brazil.

But DiCaprio improbably went for Dunst who is about as sexy as Charlie Weis smothered in chocolate sauce. And Weis may actually get the edge because at least you can talk football with him. What exactly do you talk to Dunst about? I could bring up Sparky Polastri and Missy Pantone but after that the well would be dry.

This is a chick who sold out her friends on Punk'd for drinking and driving to save her own bony ass. For shame, Leo, for shame.

And now, it's us, the normal guys, who are left to pick up the pieces. Now, we not only have to beat out every other guy in the room, we have to beat out Patrick Dempsey, Christian Bale or whoever else the girl you are actively pursuing has been secretly lusting after from afar. It's like watching everyone else evolving around you and you're stuck being a chimp.
Leo, for the sake of mankind, I beseech you- dump Dunst and get with a winner. Jessica Alba. Jessica Biel. Jessica Simpson is single. Give her a call and give the rest of us a break.

Jamie Chisholm