A D-E-G-E-N-E-R-A-T-E’s Guide to the Breeders’ Cup
A D-E-G-E-N-E-R-A-T-E’s Guide to the Breeders’ Cup
Well let’s be honest – last year’s Breeders’ Cup was a flat-out disaster for 90% of the gamblers in this audience. If you were at Suffolk Downs you saw degenerates getting carried off on stretchers in the parking lot. I came home with 2 black eyes and a bloody nose and I didn’t even get into a fight.
But that’s history, pal. The 22nd Breeders’ Cup is this Saturday, and for racing fans it’s the culmination of a long year of losing as the top thoroughbreds from around the world gather at Churchill Downs for 8, count em’, 8, Grade 1 races and a bleep-load of cash. How much is a bleep-load, you ask? Well the LOWEST purse of the 8 races is $2 million. The highest is The Classic, Powered by Dodge, at $5 million. Add em’ all up and it’s a cool $18 million, making it the richest day in sports.
For degenerates, we have about 1000 different betting options including Pick 3’s, Pick 4’s, “Ultra” Pick 6’s and even “Head to Head” wagers (cue Dance 360) I said “Head to Head” wagers “Head to Head” wagers… I don’t even know what “Ultra” means, but it sounds tempting enough to bet. Regardless, there’s a lot of money out there to be won by somebody (somebody has to win, right?) and today I’ll be providing a quick list for those who’ll be grinding it out at Suffolk, Wondy, Raynham or wherever for 7 grueling hours on Saturday.
D is for Don’t listen to Hammerin’ Hank this week. He just doesn’t pick any winners. The other racing analysts on ESPN: Kenny Mayne, the white Randy Moss and recently retired Hall of Fame jockey, Jerry Bailey, however, are excellent. I’d go as far as to say Bailey is the best analyst in all of sports right now. You’ll learn more about horse racing in 10 minutes from Bailey then you’ll learn in 10 hours from Hank. I’d actually take Bailey’s football picks over The Hammer’s, but that’s not the point right now. The point is that ESPN will be at Churchill all week and I’d listen to everything Bailey has to say if you plan on wagering on Saturday.
E is for the Employees at Suffolk Downs better step it up on Saturday. I feel like JT the Brick but “I’m calling you out, Suffolk!” As a few Stoolies can attest, the service was atrocious on Derby Day. It took freakin’ forever to place a bet. I’ll partly blame the idiots who took 20 minutes to pick a horse in line, but some of the tellers were slower than the horses that run there. (And they want slots?? )
G is for Garrett Gomez. If you don’t know who Garrett Gomez is you’re obviously not a degenerate, and while I’m not going to pick any horses here – I will say that if I’m unsure about a race or 6 on Saturday, I may just find Gomez’ name and plop my money on him. Frankly I don’t think I’ve made a dollar off him, but 2006 has certainly been a “breakout year” for Gomez, as he leads all jockeys with over $16 million in earnings. Saturday he’s scheduled to ride Octave in the Juvenile Fillies, My Typhoon in the Filly and Mare Turf, Bob Baffert’s Too Much Bling in the Sprint, Aussie Rules in the Mile and 7 year old Perfect Drift in The Classic, Powered by Dodge. (You have to say “Powered by Dodge” in reference to The Classic by the way or else you’ll get arrested.)
E is for Everybody has to bet the Pick 6. What kind of degenerate are you if you’re not betting at least $50 on the Pick 6? It’s a guaranteed $3 million pool -- take a shot. In 2003, 1 guy hit for $2.7 million and the year before 3 dudes got busted in a huge scandal, so you know it’s big. The Pick 6 starts in Race 5 with the Filly and Mare Turf and ends, obviously, with The Classic, Powered by Dodge.
N is for No way in hell I’m betting an American horse in the Turf again. It’s like the Rider Cup -- last year I was convinced the U.S. horses were better “on paper” than the Europeans and unfortunately paid the price. The Euro’s placed 1-2-3-4 with German horse Shirocco winning. I just don’t feel like making the same mistake again and will be looking towards Irish horses Cacique (3-1 probable odds according to drf.com), Hurricane Run (7-2), Red Rocks (10-1) and Scorpion (12-1) in the Turf.
E is for try to Enjoy the day. I know what you’re saying; I’m not going to enjoy anything if I’m losing. I understand that. Believe me. But picking winners, especially on Breeders’ Cup day, is a tough task. Don’t get too down after you lose the first race. You still have SEVEN MORE RACES TO LOSE. Keep your focus; don’t get distracted by the degenerates in the front row at Suffolk who celebrate after every race. Remember, these guys are betting $1000 to win $500. That’s not good. Nobody wins at that place… nobody. Breaking even or losing a little to me is a win, providing you enjoyed the day.
R is for Remember the “Head to Head… Head to Head” wagers. If things are going from bad, to worse, to brutal, to questioning your existence on the planet, don’t forget about the Head to Head wagers offered on Breeders’ Cup day. Sometimes you get so caught up in the action, you just plain forget that you have a 50-50 shot between 2 horses in any given race. As of Monday night, the Head to Head match-ups have yet to be determined, but just make a mental note if you’re getting slaughtered, the Head to Head coin-flips can be a good way to bail yourself out.
A is for Actually watch the races before the Breeders’ Cup. You don’t even have to bet them (GASP!!), but the first 2 races of the day on Saturday go off at 11:15 and 11:45 respectively. Don’t be too hungover, either. Kidding. They’re $200,000 races, just not part of the Breeders’ Cup which starts in Race 3. You never know, you could pick up something – did the winning horses come from off the pace or did they go wire to wire? How’s the track? How’s the turf? How’s the food? I’m not saying it’ll have any impact at all, but trends don’t wait for YOU to start betting.
T is for Todd Pletcher. The man has absolutely owned the sport of thoroughbred racing in 2006. OWNED! TVG on Sunday nights has basically been a Todd Pletcher highlight reel the last 10 months. He’s already broken D. Wayne Lukas’ record for stakes victories in a year with 92 and his $23 million in earnings put him a ridiculous $15 million ahead of the next closest trainer. Pletcher has freakin’18 horses pre-entered for Saturday including Turf favorite English Channel, Distaff favorite Fleet Indian, Juvenile favorite Circular Quay, along with newly acquired (and OJ’s favorite horse) Lawyer Ron. I’d be stunned if the Pletcher barn all of sudden tanked on Saturday, it just wouldn’t make any sense.
E is for look-E what we have here in The Classic, Powered by Dodge. Look-E what we have here… I haven’t been able to walk straight since they announced this field -- Bernardini, Lava Man, Brother Derek, Invasor, Sun King, Flower Alley, not to mention Irish super horse, George Washington. It’s one of the best Classic fields in recent memory. Plus, in a “Rocky 6”-esque maneuver, John Shirreffs is entering last year’s 50-1 Kentucky Derby winner, and old friend, Giacomo, to run the last race of his career. Interesting. Very interesting. Why would they enter Giacomo here? Do they really think he has a shot against the likes of Bernardini and Lava Man? Hmmm, I don’t know. Like I said, I’m not making any picks…
Good luck to all degenerates (and non-degenerates) on Saturday.