The De-Evolution of the Olsen Twins

The day has come at last; Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen turn 21 today. Barstool would get its blogging license revoked if we didn't acknowledge this momentous occasion. Admit it, there were times you thought this day would never come. You dreamed of this day, imagined what it would be like to finally have the gloves come off where you could admit your lust for MK and A and express every warped, perverted threesome-with-twins fantasy you've ever had for them in polite company and not have to immediately register as a sex offender.

This has arguably been the most long-anticipated turn of the calendar since Y2K. And now that it's here you realize that...it's every bit as disappointing. The way Jan. 1, 2000 dawned like any other hangover-riddled New Years Day, now that the Olsens are old enough for you to buy them a drink and try to seduce them...you wouldn't bother. What we all thought was a couple of blue chip prospects, can't-miss kids that were mortal locks for the Hall of Fame, just look like a couple of skanked out bag ladies at the age of 21.

Time to walk down memory lane and reminisce...

Approximate age: 3. Prospect for the future: A brief touch of fame in their toddler years, followed by the loss of their cuteness after which "Full House" would either be cancelled or a younger, cuter kid would be brought into the show and then it would be cancelled. Then obscurity.

Sexiness projection: Not Applicable, you sick bastard.

Approximate age: 8. Miraculously avoided career suicide in the wake of them losing their baby adorableness. Remained a household name, which boded well for the empire they were about to become.

Sexiness projection: Still N/A

Approximate age: 12. Icons to a generation of preteen girls. They become walking, talking licenses to print money.

Sexiness projection: $300 million at the age of 12 will buy a lot of adult sexiness.

Approximate age: 13. Like Mickey Mouse in "The Sorcerer's Apprentice," the Olsens still don't comprehend the enormous power they will someday wield over men. But we know. They do however develop their signature move: posing with their heads touching like conjoined twins.

Sexiness projection: Definite first round draft pick potential.

Approximate age: 15. They begin to harness their power. Less Mickey Mouse than Luke Skywalker in "Return of the Jedi."

Sexiness projection: Perennial All Pros.

Approximate age: 16. Over the age of consent in most Southern states, and considered past their sexual primes in most countries in the world, it's becoming harder for your average decent American guy not to think dark thoughts about them. Countdown to their adulthood begins.

Sexiness projection: Future first ballot Hall of Famers.

Approximate age: 18. They continue to improve. The odds of them being full blown sex symbols once we can be all guilt-free about it plummet until Vegas takes them off the board entirely. The absolute height of their powers.

Sexiness projection: Pure, unmitigated jailbait. 

Approximate age: 19. Uh oh. Could it...Is it possible? Could they have peaked too soon? For the first time, the notion of them starting to degenerate becomes part of the conversation. They start issueing statements denying they have eating disorders, and sporting the uniform of declining beauty: Heavy duty eyeliner.

Sexiness projection: Falling out of the first round. Still some potential upside, but a risky pick.

Approximate age: 21, confirmed. Siiiighhh....

Sexiness projection: Undraftable. A complete waste of talent.