Dear Tom Brady's Walking Cast,
You lucky bastard. Front row seat for the Giselle strip show. And Giselle shower. And Giselle writhing. And Giselle standing around and doing nothing all that special except being Giselle.
Tom Brady's walking cast, you are now the world's most famous walking cast. I'm not sure about the level of competition for the title of world's most famous walking cast but the game's over. You're the runaway winner.
Right now, all over the Tristate area where Giants fans are busy convincing themselves that Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin are capable of beating Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, and all over the country where bitter NFL fans who hate the Patriots, and by extension hate America and want the terrorists to win, millions of people are thinking that you're a harbinger of bad things to come for the Patriots on Super Bowl Sunday.
You have them right where you want them.
It's almost like the anti-Patriots, pro-Islamofascist, anti-reality faction rooting for the Giants on February 3rd has confused the guy wearing you with Super Charger, Super Pussy LaDainian Tomlinson who took the AFC Championship Game off so he would be rested for the start of next season's two-a-days. By playing, Tomlinson may have aggravated a knee injury serious enough to have kept him in the lineup for every game this season so he decided that risking further injury and making it the Super Bowl wasn't quite worth it. He rested and will now be healthy for the 2008 season… until he's plastered by some linebacker in the first quarter of the first game of the year and finds himself right back on the injured list.
He's all class and no balls.
But not our boy, Tom. Which is why all the furor over you is so amusing to those of us in the know. You and I both know that there's no way Tom Brady is going to be stopped by some walking cast. And you know me, walking cast. You know my father worked side by side with walking casts. We had walking casts over to dinner and my brother dated a walking cast. I'm not making any sweeping generalizations about all walking casts, just saying something that everyone knows is true- Tom Brady ain't gonna be stopped by a walking cast.
Gangrene would probably cause Brady to shorten his pregame stretching routine. Ebola could cause Brady some fatigue during the game. And maybe Brady being in a wheelchair would cause the Patriots to simplify their playbook, particularly if he was a paraplegic. But even with Brady the paraplegic under center the Patriots are still favored by 10 over the Giants.
Which is why I am so jealous of your role in the run-up to the Super Bowl. I know you won't tell me for sure but what's Belichick's masterplan? It's obvious to any Patriots fan that Brady's right foot is fine. Belichick would never allow one of his players to wear any sort of medical gear on the part of their body that's actually injured. If Brady has an injury, it's definitely not his right foot. His left ear is probably achy. Maybe Giselle scratched him really bad on his left shoulder. Maybe the stubble on the left side of his face isn't quite as stubbly as on the right side of his face.
Thinking logically, one must assume that Brady's right foot is so strong that he'll be handling kickoffs at the Super Bowl.
It's so brilliant. So Belichick. So Patriots. Show 'em something- Brady in a walking cast- get them leaning one way and then go where they're not looking. Belichick has probably been waiting to pull out the Brady in a walking cast gag for years but decided to wait until the Patriots were 18-0 and in a position to win the Super Bowl and claim the title of the NFL's greatest ever team. Why waste Brady in walking cast when a perfect season isn't on the line?
So, now you're the one in the spotlight, Tom Brady's walking cast. It's time for you to shine. If you can work it out, make Tom look like he's limping, really struggling to walk. Make Brady look like Fred Thompson on the campaign trail- sluggish, slow and on his deathbed.
And call up some of your buddies at the medical equipment store. I want to see Randy Moss in a scoliosis brace. I want to see Vince Wilfork in an iron lung. I want to see Rodney Harrison in a plastic bubble. I want all those people who hate the Patriots and hate freedom and liberty and bald eagles to get their hopes up, to start believing that the Patriots are vulnerable. And it won't take much.
Just wait until you read the papers and the Internets and see the impact you've already made. The haters are starting to believe the Giants' moral victory in Week 17 and your appearance will translate to a Super Bowl victory for the GeeeeeeeMen. It's so goddamn cute. The Patriots win every positional matchup except perhaps punter but the combination of a regular season loss and you are supposed to be the key to a win in Arizona.
Keep up what you're doing because it's working to absolute, Belichickian perfection.
And let me know how neat Giselle keeps it.
Sincerely,
Pete Powers