Cubeville 301: Getting Your Own Office
Cubeville 301: Getting Your Own Office
Well, well, well. After 7 years of frustration in and out of cubes and shared offices, just a few short weeks ago you’ll be happy to know that I have finally reached the pinnacle of the business world and have achieved the dream shared by every semi-hardworking American.
Respect? Please. A fair salary? Ha.
Give up? Well, while I’m still actively planning my Andy Dufrane-like escape, the good news is I’m now doing so from the comfort, privacy and internet-friendly environment of my very own office. (Still laughing at the respect thing…)
Yes, it’s true, it’s true. I know what you’re thinking, “How the hell did this happen? Like letting Chris Simms call his own plays, it’s suicide for the organization.”
Well, no one really knows, actually. It’s a mystery. Being raised Italian, I know not to ask questions. And haven’t. But somehow by the grace of God this rite of passage was granted to me by my superiors, who I admire and respect a great deal, and today I’d like to share some of the many perks, as well as a few of the minor drawbacks I’ve experienced since moving into my own office. S’alright? S’alright.
“The Good Pop-in”
First and foremost, I couldn’t help but notice that a girl who hasn’t said 2 words in 3 years to me is now regularly “popping in” my office to shoot the shit. I call this rather pathetic display the “Good Pop-in”. Take a listen for yourself.
Last Wednesday she “popped-in” to comment on the food in the cafeteria; then on Friday she asked me if the Sox were trading Manny. Like I know. Then today she complimented my new shirt, saying I “looked good in pink”. Now that is just an impossibility; there’s no way that’s true. I could be wrong, but it seems pretty obvious she wants me now that I have my own office. But I’m not that easy. My plan is to let her bake a while before asking her out and getting flat-out rejected. Whatever happens though, I like the Good Pop-in and certainly consider it a perk.
“The Bad Pop-in”
You know how when you go home for Thanksgiving there are people you want to see from high school, and people you absolutely do not want to see from high school. Same goes for the pop-in. While I’m busy gambling on the internet, I can’t have Steve from Accounting barging in to talk about his son’s “kick ass” performance on the clarinet last night.
NOT NOW DUDE. GO AWAY.
But unfortunately you’re screwed because A. you’re a nice person and B., once he’s in your office, what are you going to do, kick him out? It’s next to impossible. The only real way is if you “accidentally” pass gas. Whoops!
So one of the few drawbacks of your own office is while you do technically have more privacy, leaving your door open is an invitation for anybody to “pop-in” at any time. If you close the door, it’s just weird; people will think you’re well, gambling on the internet. So basically you’re forced to leave the door open and take the good and the bad pop-ins as they come.
“Gambling on the Internet”
Is there any better way to stick it to the man than to lay a few bucks on an afternoon horse race from work? If there is, I sure as hell can’t think of one. I don’t even care if I win the race.
I’d always feel funny about wagering from a cube, or even when I shared an office; but it’s a whole new ballgame now that I’m flying solo. I’m firing off Pick 4’s up, down, left and right. Nothing too heavy, just a few dollars to get me through the afternoon; and of course in the process…sticking it to the man.
Be careful though, as whipping your pen against the side of the chair and yelling “RUN YOU F’N 3!” is a sure giveaway those aren’t TPS reports in live, streaming video on your computer screen.
“People Will Think You’re Full of Yourself”
There’s no getting around this one, your co-workers will automatically think you’re full of yourself once you move into your own office. I don’t get it either...
Just the other day there was a speck of what APPEARED to be dirt on my newly cleaned carpet, so I pointed to a meaningless underling who happened to be walking by at the time and casually told him, “You. Sweep.” He didn’t like it and just kept walking. I mean he didn’t expect ME to pick it up, did he? I have my own office now, you think I’m picking up what potentially could be dirt? I don’t think so….
“Power Lifting”
For years I’ve had a 12 lb. dumbbell under my desk at work; but now I’m thinking of getting into more “power lifting”. Maybe a weight bench and a Soloflex machine. Hey, I’ve got the room. Stay tuned on this one…
“No More Awkward Phone Conversations”
BY FAR the best thing about having your own office is you don’t have to listen to the painfully awkward, completely inappropriate-for-work phone conversations the middle-aged woman next to you is having with her significant other, rotten kid or incompetent divorce lawyer.
These would just drive me insane during my days in cubeville. Here’s an excerpt from a woman at my last job: “No, you’re a moron and a fool. Forget it. No. Did you hear what I said? No. Well go f’n cry to your mother. No. Goodbye. No, I said goodbye. NO!” Click….followed by the inevitable, “God…” under her breath that we could all hear.
These people should be arrested. I’d estimate I’m 100x’s happier and more relaxed without having to suffer through these agonizing, albeit one-sided, conversations.
“Torrid Affairs”
Are there any other kind?
Actually, I’m not sure I’m an “affair guy”. Probably not. But having your own office at least allows for the POSSIBILITY of a torrid affair. Come to think of it, a torrid affair probably led to 90% of the awkward phone calls to the significant other and incompetent divorce lawyer. So yeah, I’m probably out on the torrid affair. Although I like the words “torrid affair”.
And no, there’s no other kind.
So I know it’s only been a few weeks, but I like my new corporate digs. Granted there’s nothing on the walls and I have a view of an East Cambridge parking lot, but damn it, those are MY walls. And damn it, that’s MY view. And now that this dream has been realized, it’s time to start focusing on the next one. Respect? Please. A fair salary? Ha!
Getting my own secretary? Now that’s more like it.