My Cover Letter to Become NFL Commissioner.
Jamie Chisholm
Barstool Sports
Boston, MA 02116
March 20, 2006
The Owners
National Football League
280 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10017
Dear Owners:
I am writing in regards to the recent news that Paul Tagliabue, the NFL Commissioner, is retiring. I am certain that my unrivaled personal charm, remarkable business acumen, stupendous fantasy football knowledge, legendary Microsoft excel ability and breathtakingly rugged good looks make me the ideal candidate to replace Mr. Tagliabue.
For the past two years, I have been writing for Barstool Sports, no doubt you've heard of us. We are the global media conglomerate headquartered in bucolic Abington, Massachusetts that is revolutionizing the free biweekly newspaper industry. I have written well over 100-articles for Barstool and am a very big deal in Boston's highly competitive free newspaper world. As Barstool's most seasoned writer, I deserve most, if not all, of the credit for the paper's growth from a rag that looked enviously upon the well-oiled machine that is the Spare Change News to our current status as the preeminent biweekly publication in Greater Boston featuring half-naked girls on its cover. My articles, which have run the gamut from a ranking of douchebags to the death of my Tivo, are, in my humble opinion, the most important addition to the Western Canon since Willie Shakespeare was writing about kids falling in love. I had to block Harold Bloom's IP address from my email and MySpace account because he was bombarding me with such raunchy notes about how much he adored my writing.
In addition to my dazzling experience at Barstool Sports, I have also worked as a paralegal at a law firm. It was a fancy downtown corporate law firm and I had my own office so I feel comfortable saying that I am an expert in several legal sectors including but not limited to: debt financing, labor & employment, taxation, mergers and acquisitions, government enforcement and compliance, intellectual property, semiconductor processing, admiralty/ maritime and drinking & driving. My legal background will, no doubt, be an invaluable asset in future negotiations with the NFL Players' Association as well as in my ability to exploit the nuances inherent in a player's conviction for 2nd degree murder, possession of child pornography and providing material support to a terrorist organization.
I am also a former junior high school English teacher, video game addict, junk food junkie and a compulsive television watcher who can easily connect with future generations of NFL fans. I understand America's youth and I speak their language, lol. See, lol is Generation Z's super-cool computer shorthand for "laugh out loud." Isn't that EZ? I would set up a NFL MySpace page and with my vast knowledge of computer shorthand, the OC, Lindsay Lohan, Chad Michael Murray and O-Town, I could run the site myself, saving the NFL tons of money.
However, as much as I feel that I am the ideal candidate to become the next NFL commissioner, I come with more than just an unmatched level of professional experience. My NFL MySpace idea is just one of dozens that I have formulated to help the NFL position itself as the world's preeminent pastime, surpassing both soccer and masturbation, by 2010. I've included some of my other ideas below. Please note that I have patents pending with the Library of Congress for all of these ideas.
• The children are the NFL's future and our future NFL fans will all be wicked fat. Obesity is the hip thing nowadays with kids. It's phat to be fat. In preparation for a generation of fatties, I am recommending that all NFL stadiums increase the width of their seats to 48". The resulting loss of revenue from ticket sales will be offset by the significant leap in concession sales.
• We must embrace the gamblers, our sport's most important fan base. If I am selected to be the next commissioner, I will order all NFL stadiums to post the lines on the Jumbotron so that both the fans, and more importantly, the players and coaches, are aware of the gambling implications of each play. I will also recommend to the Competition Committee that electronic voting devices be installed in stadiums, as well as an American Idol-type 1-800 number for home viewers, so that fans can force a coach to kick a chip shot field goal with less than two minutes remaining in an already decided game if those 3-points will affect the gambling outcome.
• No longer will we turn up our collective nose at our fantasy football fans. Each team must hire a "fantasy football personnel director" responsible for guaranteeing that a head coach does not hinder a player's fantasy performance. Unless there is an injury, each team must designate a starting running back who will receive 70% of the team's carries, including all goal line carries. The fantasy football personnel director will also be responsible for making sure that coaches do not instruct their team's quarterback to run the QB sneak if the starting running back has yet to score a touchdown. Also, FFPD's will be authorized to change the play call at the line of scrimmage if the head coach has decided to hand off on third down and long from inside the red zone. The FFPD will instruct the quarterback to throw into the end zone.
• End zone celebrations will be encouraged, the more outrageous the better. However, if an end zone celebration is deemed uncreative, boring or predictable, the scoring team will be assessed a 15-yard penalty on the ensuing kickoff.
• Bill Parcells will be required to wear a microphone at all times to broadcast to the world exactly how he is feeling about Terrell Owens.
• Peyton Manning will be limited to one audible at the line of scrimmage.
• Any networks televising a Patriots' home game are contractually obligated to show an actual image of Foxboro. A view from a blimp does not count. These images- Faneuil Hall, Fenway Park, panoramic skyline of the city, Old North Church, Cheers- will no longer be allowed to be shown during broadcasts.
• The NFL Hall of Fame is hereby allowed to stop the practice of placing 300-pound men in yellow sports jackets.
• As NFL Commissioner, I will also become National Fantasy Football Tsar. I will centralize all fantasy football operations. ESPN.com, CBS.sportsline.com, Yahoo.com, CNNSI.com and the numerous other fantasy football sites will base their scoring systems on my recommendations.
• Any defensive player who touches, glances at or speaks disparagingly about Tom Brady will receive a four game suspension.
I would very much like to discuss my other remarkable qualities and skills with you and I am sure that you would like to meet me in person. My calendar is very full- I'm an in-demand type of guy- but I can probably make time to meet you sometime next week.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Jamie Chisholm
Enclosure