Cougar Hunting 101: "Stand Back"
If you’re not familiar with the term by now, “cougars” (insert growl) are generally considered single or divorced (or married) 35-55 year old women “on the prowl” at local bars “preying” on younger males. First off I like cougars. Always have. I respect their plight, and as a hardened gambler of many years, can relate to their bitterness. But that’s not the point of the article. The point is just to provide a few stupid tips to our younger, weaponless Stoolies as they head out into the bar room jungle and have to confront these women for the very first time. (Beware: these tips are for the bar room only. Once a cougar has you in her mitts, the rest is up to you.)
Tip #1 – “You don’t hunt for cougars. Cougars (insert growl) hunt for you.” In my opinion, this is essential to the whole principal of what a cougar is, and stands for. Hitting on THEM defeats the whole purpose of The Chase, which cougars clearly desire. Cleary. Just sort of stand in the vicinity and more than likely one will “separate from the den” and approach you. Once she does, then you go into your normal, meaningless chit-chat: “Blah, blah, what? Blah, blah, huh? Yeah. Me, too. Huh?” You know how it goes. But I would advise against pursuing a “coug”. Let the hunters do the hunting.
Tip #2 – “A Cougar’s Dollar”. Let’s say you’re sitting in the back of the bar, its dark, you don’t SEE any cougars, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there. I’ve identified the following songs, and when heard back-to-back on the jukebox, will inform you that a cougar’s dollar was used to play them. “Cougar’s Dollar” tracks include: “Stand Back” by Stevie Nicks. “Seventeen”, also by Stevie Nicks. John COUGAR Mellencamp’s “Jack and Diane”, Skynard’s “Sweet Home Alabama”, Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain”, Janis Joplin’s “Me and Bobby McGee”, The Eagles’ “Witchy Woman”, Foghat’s “Slow Ride”, and anything at all by Heart. (“Barracuda”, “Magic Man”, etc.) Again, by themselves does not necessarily suggest a cougar’s in the house – oh my god, oh my god - a dude or a 25 year old girl might play ONE of them, but back-to-back indicates “A Cougar’s Dollar” was used to cue those songs.
Tip #3 – “Cougars are good at Buck Hunter”. Actually, they’re damn good at most bar room games – pool, pinball, Ms. Pac-Man (not regular). Bubble hockey – eh, not so much. So I wouldn’t recommend betting any amount of money against a cougar in any of the aforementioned games. Remember, these women have been at it for probably twice as long as you – they’ll hustle your ass in the blink of an eye and wouldn’t think twice about doing it. If Barstool Sports ever had a bar room Olympics, I’d take a cougar on my team any day. When is that again?
Tip #4 – “Cougars can f’n drink.” Let’s face it; most girls in their 20’s are out-cold after 6 Margarita’s, 9 shots of SoCo and a $5 pitcher of Yuengling. Not a coug. She may even out drink YOU - you have to be careful of this! This is one of their major tactics in both seducing their prey and outmaneuvering their lighter-weighted, albeit younger, female competition. Cougars are experienced at a lot of things, or so I’m told, and hardcore boozing is one of them.
Tip #5 – “Don’t try and outsmart a cougar”. Cougars don’t like men, they like boys. In other words – intelligent conversation is almost a detriment. If I were you, I’d act as stupid as possible. If you’re already stupid, just be yourself. Meatheads, this is your chance to shine. Telling a cougar you just had your dog “noodled” instead of “neutered” (true story, I overheard a Meathead say this last week) very well might work -- whereas with a younger chick, it most likely will not (it didn’t). These broads are just looking to take advantage of you for the night, no need to impress them with Nietzche, Freud, or Yankee Magic Number calculations…
Tip #6 – “Cougars really don’t like dancing.” They like clapping though. But not really into traditional, modern dancing, like you’d see in an Usher video. Actually, there’s a fairly good chance your cougar is into foreign dancing like Salsa dancing and shit like that. So I would advise against “grinding” cougars on the dance floor, if at all possible. I don’t think they’re into that. Drinking beers, pounding multiple shots is more their speed. Again, clapping is fine. Cougars love clapping to the beat of songs, and even singing them out loud. Just not into the bumping and grinding you’d find upstairs at Sissy K’s…
Well there you have it – hopefully these 6 tips will help you in your quest to find the cougar of your dreams. And please don’t blame me if anything goes wrong. Happy Hunting! (Insert growl.)